8 Insecurities That Make It Hard To Date in Today's Culture

8 Insecurities Most People Have When Trying To Date

Is trying to date in today's hook up culture even worth it?

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These days there are hookups, "things," and relationships, with the latter being the least sought after. Many of us have become so numb to actually feeling emotions that we tend to look for people who will fill our voids for short periods of time. You often hear, "I tried dating, but it didn't work out for me," "I don't want to get hurt again," or "I'm just looking for a good time." The problem with trying to date is that it's hard to find someone who you want to date, who actually wants to date you as well. When trying to date, I often experience a few of these 8 insecurities at one point or another.

1. The friend zone

The hard part about the friend zone is that you can see your friendship advancing to something more than friends, but he can't. You like him so much that you stay in the friend zone instead of leaving completely. This is a sucky position on your part, because you want to be there for him, but it hurts to hear about his new relationship or hookups with other girls. You want him to be happy no matter what, but the fact that he wouldn't be happy with you hurts.

2. Being used

Being used is one of the worst feelings because you know that his words and actions were just said and done to get what he wanted-- whether it be him needing a rebound, making his ex jealous, getting sex, or whatever else. Being used is like going on your favorite roller coaster at an amusement park right after you eat a shitload of food. You really want to go on the ride, but you know that you'll get sick if you do. After serious thought and consideration, you decide to get on the ride and hope you don't get sick. After all the highs and lows, you throw up. Throwing up in this metaphor is the same as being used. You know that the person isn't in the relationship for the right reasons, but you go with it anyways in hopes that it will work out.

3. Not being wanted

I never blame a relationship ending on me not being enough for the other person. I know that I am more than enough. The thing is, being enough for someone does not mean that you are who they want. Every time I try to date someone I'm scared that they will leave because they realize I'm not who they want. This has happened before so it's easy to constantly think this, but I remind myself that just because someone I want doesn't want me, that doesn't mean no one does.

4. Trust issues

My parents divorced so yeah, I have trust issues. I know how easy it is for someone to lose feelings overnight. I know that falling out of love happens. I would rather someone be completely honest with me about how they're feeling than hookuplie. In a good relationship, there is trust that goes both ways, and neither person should feel the need to lie to the other. The problem is that often people will hide or lie about what they're doing, because they assume their partner will get mad. Another problem is that when people lose feelings or interest, they start to distance themselves without giving an explanation. They insist that nothing is wrong, because they don't know how to end things without it being messy. Meanwhile, you're left sitting there not knowing where you stand, and once their true feelings are revealed you both end up being hurt anyways. The bottom line is: Tell people how you feel, when you're feeling it, and everything will be so much easier.

5. Don't want to settle

Don't settle for someone who's not what you want, just because you want someone. That is unfair to him and inefficient for you. I have had "things" with guys who didn't have the qualities I was looking for, but I wanted to be with someone at the time, and they were available so I tried to make it work. I ended up either hurting him because I didn't want a relationship, or I ended up being hurt because I picked someone who wasn't good for me. I have now learned to be patient in finding someone, and not giving in to any guy who hits me up just because I crave affection at the time.

6. Hook-up culture

It seems these days that most people are more interested in random hook ups than an actual relationship. While hooking up is perfectly okay (you do you boo), it's hard to distinguish possible partners from the ones who just want to hook up and the ones who don't. It seems as though not many people crave an emotional connection anymore, maybe it's because they're scared of being hurt so they just look for someone to fill their physical needs. The problem is that they choose a good time over a good thing, and are eventually left feeling empty. I'm scared that because of the normalization of hooking up, when I find someone I want to date they won't be able to be with only me.

7. Being "all in"

I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared of what happens after commitment. I'm so tired of being all in with someone, and then he ends up making me look stupid for doing so. I don't want to be cheated on because he didn't respect me enough to not hookup with someone else while we were dating. I'm aware of how possible it is that one day if I'm in a relationship, my significant other will wake up and no longer love the parts of me he used to. I'm still willing to take the chance, be all in, and know that things work out how they're supposed to.

8. Not truly knowing each other

Have you ever thought about how maybe no one you've ever been with has truly known you? Maybe they knew your favorite color, favorite food, or favorite song-- but they never found out why you are the way you are. They didn't know what crazy job you wanted as a kid, what you do to survive when you feel like your world is ending, what songs make you feel something, or what inspires you. I want to find someone who wants to get to know me as well as he knows himself. I don't want to spend months dating someone without us ever getting to know the most intricate parts of each other. For me, love is more than the material things and affection. For me, love is also having a person who knows me deep down to my soul.

I'm not giving up on dating because it hasn't worked out for me. I'm not giving in to the hook up culture to fill an emotional void. I am not settling for having a "thing" with someone who I know isn't going to last. I am going to live my best life, and if the right person comes along I will happily brave these insecurities.

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13 Movies Every Couple Needs To Watch Before They Get Married

Let's be honest, Rachel McAdams is in all the best love stories.

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These 13 movies are the foundation of any long-lasting relationship, and I'm not joking. Each movie will show you something new about your partner, and make you ask each other the hard questions. How many kids do you want and how are you going to raise them? What would happen if you got into a horrible accident? Some are less serious though, like what if you could time travel?

I promise that not every one of these movies is a Nicholas Sparks classic, and I also promise that not every movie has Rachel McAdams in it!

1. "The Time Traveler's Wife"

This movie is both heartbreaking and amazing.

2. "About Time"

Let's be honest, Rachel McAdams is in all the best love stories. It's on Netflix right now, so grab some snacks and turn it on!

3. "Like Crazy"

This infamous Tumblr gif came from "Like Crazy." It's about a couple who goes long distance and build their life together. I used to cry every time I watched it, and I'm no crier! It also has the (now famous) Felicity Jones in it.

4. "The Notebook"

Every girl wants this kind of love.

5. "The Last Song"

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth are literally married now so if that isn't good luck, I don't know what is.

6. "Safe Haven"

You guessed it! This is another Nicholas Sparks classic. This movie has a dark twist as well, which men will love.

7. "Inside Out"

You may be thinking that this one is a bit weird. Well, this movie will help both you and your partner understand each other's emotions better.

8. "The Choice"

This movie is great because the female lead is feisty and extremely intelligent, which usually doesn't happen in love stories. How do you keep the love alive with a woman who is hard to get, and even harder to keep entertained?

9. "The Longest Ride"

Originally I could not stand the main female lead (Britt Robertson) but now she is in one of my favorite shows (For The People), so I have no choice. This movie had me on the end of my seat, and as a rom-com it is a must.

10. "The Age Of Adaline"

I began loving the name 'Adaline' thanks to this movie. This unlikely love story and self love journey really gets me.

11. "The Vow"

Imagine falling in love with someone and building a life, but an accident forces you to start all over?

12. "Titanic"

If they don't have any sort of reaction to this movie, they are probably not the one for you.

13. "Yours, Mine, & Ours"

Yours, Mine, & Ours is a true classic. Are you Helen or Frank Beardsley? You should figure that out before you tie the knot!

You're welcome!

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Being A Military Wife Is Not The Same As Serving In Active Duty

It's about balance, and it's hard to find a happy medium between serving and supporting your spouse.

yahairas
yahairas
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I enlisted into the United States Air Force as a fresh-faced 18-year-old. I had just graduated high school and never experienced life on my own, away from what I knew and my loved ones and friends. The military was my first legitimate job. Thankfully, I knew independence since I had parents that ensured I knew how to handle myself. That does not mean I joined knowing everything there was to know. Far from it, actually, but that's OK.

My first and only duty station was Malmstrom Air Force Base. Before you think that Malmstrom is some exotic and foreign land, it's definitely not. My first base was in Montana. A very cold and unpredictable climate where you could experience beautiful summer sunshine one day and the next, find yourself running back up to your room to escape from the unexpected blizzard.

I was stationed in Montana as a security forces member (military police) for six very long years. During this time, I met some wonderful people as well as some people I know I would not mind never seeing again. I did a lot of my growing up at this location.

There were hard lessons that needed to be learned and experiences that I had to have in order to know what and what not to do in the future. Security forces is not the easiest or best job in the military. There are more challenges as a security forces member than most careers in the Air Force. There is the very likely chance of deployment into hostile locations where the member will face life and death challenges and have to make quick and ugly decisions and the schedule and duties are not ideal.

However, the good often outweighs the bad. The rewards for surpassing these challenges that seemed insurmountable at the time are some of the best in the world. I can say that the life lessons during my time in the service, no matter how uncomfortable it was at the time, is an experience of a lifetime. These challenges are unknown to the military spouse.

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Not long after separating from the military, I got married. We met while I was still in the military. My husband is still active duty in the Air Force, turning me into a military wife and dependent. It was a different role to take, knowing how many people in the military viewed military spouses. I found myself in a different bracket or tier than a lot of people. I was a military wife that was prior military. I understand the challenges my husband still undergoes in his enlistment because I knew the military life at one point. I did not have to be introduced into the military and the way it works blindly.

Throughout my enlistment, there were stories and jokes regarding military spouses, with emphasis on the military wife. Even now that I am no longer in the service, I still see memes on social media where military wives serve as a running joke. The jokes involving weight, attractiveness, infidelity or wives wearing the rank of their military spouse while attempting to utilize what power that rank may hold. Due to the stories I heard while I was in, I had a pre-conceived idea of what to expect as a military spouse. Some of the stories and jokes came from a center of truth. However, the stigma for a military wife would follow any and all military wives no matter the validity or lack thereof.

Photo of Yahaira Seawright at her Airman Leadership school graduation Yahaira Seawright

When I became a military wife, I wanted to make sure I did not fall under that stereotype. Becoming the dependent gave me something else to consider. It gave me the unheard side of those military spouses. There are so many challenges that we also face while being married to the military.

For example, we pick up and go at a moment's notice and often leave our careers behind if our spouses get moved. This makes it really hard to make friends and connections with other people. Plus, there's the reality that our spouses could lose their lives serving for our country.

A lot of the time, we become a single parent when our spouses are deployed. If we do go with, finding employment is really competitive and hard to do at all. It's hard on both of us because neither party will ever truly understand why things are done a certain way. Some things just aren't fair and that's a hard reality to deal with.

So, yes, the service of the military member is the military member's service, not ours. That fact does not mean we do not have our own sacrifices we made when we decided to marry into the military family.

The experience of the military member and the military spouse are two different sides, but they're both equally important.

yahairas
yahairas

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