These days there are hookups, "things," and relationships, with the latter being the least sought after. Many of us have become so numb to actually feeling emotions that we tend to look for people who will fill our voids for short periods of time. You often hear, "I tried dating, but it didn't work out for me," "I don't want to get hurt again," or "I'm just looking for a good time." The problem with trying to date is that it's hard to find someone who you want to date, who actually wants to date you as well. When trying to date, I often experience a few of these 8 insecurities at one point or another.
The hard part about the friend zone is that you can see your friendship advancing to something more than friends, but he can't. You like him so much that you stay in the friend zone instead of leaving completely. This is a sucky position on your part, because you want to be there for him, but it hurts to hear about his new relationship or hookups with other girls. You want him to be happy no matter what, but the fact that he wouldn't be happy with you hurts.
2. Being used
Being used is one of the worst feelings because you know that his words and actions were just said and done to get what he wanted-- whether it be him needing a rebound, making his ex jealous, getting sex, or whatever else. Being used is like going on your favorite roller coaster at an amusement park right after you eat a shitload of food. You really want to go on the ride, but you know that you'll get sick if you do. After serious thought and consideration, you decide to get on the ride and hope you don't get sick. After all the highs and lows, you throw up. Throwing up in this metaphor is the same as being used. You know that the person isn't in the relationship for the right reasons, but you go with it anyways in hopes that it will work out.
3. Not being wanted
I never blame a relationship ending on me not being enough for the other person. I know that I am more than enough. The thing is, being enough for someone does not mean that you are who they want. Every time I try to date someone I'm scared that they will leave because they realize I'm not who they want. This has happened before so it's easy to constantly think this, but I remind myself that just because someone I want doesn't want me, that doesn't mean no one does.
4. Trust issues
My parents divorced so yeah, I have trust issues. I know how easy it is for someone to lose feelings overnight. I know that falling out of love happens. I would rather someone be completely honest with me about how they're feeling than hookuplie. In a good relationship, there is trust that goes both ways, and neither person should feel the need to lie to the other. The problem is that often people will hide or lie about what they're doing, because they assume their partner will get mad. Another problem is that when people lose feelings or interest, they start to distance themselves without giving an explanation. They insist that nothing is wrong, because they don't know how to end things without it being messy. Meanwhile, you're left sitting there not knowing where you stand, and once their true feelings are revealed you both end up being hurt anyways. The bottom line is: Tell people how you feel, when you're feeling it, and everything will be so much easier.
5. Don't want to settle
Don't settle for someone who's not what you want, just because you want someone. That is unfair to him and inefficient for you. I have had "things" with guys who didn't have the qualities I was looking for, but I wanted to be with someone at the time, and they were available so I tried to make it work. I ended up either hurting him because I didn't want a relationship, or I ended up being hurt because I picked someone who wasn't good for me. I have now learned to be patient in finding someone, and not giving in to any guy who hits me up just because I crave affection at the time.
6. Hook-up culture
It seems these days that most people are more interested in random hook ups than an actual relationship. While hooking up is perfectly okay (you do you boo), it's hard to distinguish possible partners from the ones who just want to hook up and the ones who don't. It seems as though not many people crave an emotional connection anymore, maybe it's because they're scared of being hurt so they just look for someone to fill their physical needs. The problem is that they choose a good time over a good thing, and are eventually left feeling empty. I'm scared that because of the normalization of hooking up, when I find someone I want to date they won't be able to be with only me.
7. Being "all in"
I'm not scared of commitment. I'm scared of what happens after commitment. I'm so tired of being all in with someone, and then he ends up making me look stupid for doing so. I don't want to be cheated on because he didn't respect me enough to not hookup with someone else while we were dating. I'm aware of how possible it is that one day if I'm in a relationship, my significant other will wake up and no longer love the parts of me he used to. I'm still willing to take the chance, be all in, and know that things work out how they're supposed to.
8. Not truly knowing each other
Have you ever thought about how maybe no one you've ever been with has truly known you? Maybe they knew your favorite color, favorite food, or favorite song-- but they never found out why you are the way you are. They didn't know what crazy job you wanted as a kid, what you do to survive when you feel like your world is ending, what songs make you feel something, or what inspires you. I want to find someone who wants to get to know me as well as he knows himself. I don't want to spend months dating someone without us ever getting to know the most intricate parts of each other. For me, love is more than the material things and affection. For me, love is also having a person who knows me deep down to my soul.
I'm not giving up on dating because it hasn't worked out for me. I'm not giving in to the hook up culture to fill an emotional void. I am not settling for having a "thing" with someone who I know isn't going to last. I am going to live my best life, and if the right person comes along I will happily brave these insecurities.