For most people, summer is the season for friends and spending time out in the sun. But for me, it's full of a whole lot of... nothing. At the beginning of the summer break, I am optimistic. I take my antidepressant nearly every day and try to find something productive to do, whether it'd be painting, drawing, cleaning my room, or writing my Odyssey article. As the weeks go by, this slowly changes. I stay in bed for hours after I wake up. I forget to take my medication. And at the end of the day, I often find myself doing nothing but watching Netflix all day.
I don't know when my depression will get better, and I don't know how bad it'll get. Sometimes in my friends' group chat, I'll start typing out a message but figure that I would annoy them, so I'll erase my message and not say anything. I feel like if I spent too much time with someone, or text or message them a lot, they'll get tired of me and leave. Sometimes, I even feel like they're just pretending that they like me. Through years of therapy, I learned that this is probably wrong. So I keep telling myself 'You are loved' 'You are not a waste of space' 'You are wanted' over and over and over again. But for some reason, I can't get rid of the thoughts telling me the opposite.
What most people don't understand about depression is that you don't really feel sad, but just numb. The days blur together and I don't remember much. It's like having your camera pulled up on your phone but didn't hit the record button. I feel like that's what a lot of people don't understand about depression. A lot of the time, you aren't feeling sad or angry. You feel nothing. You don't feel like your friends and family love you.
Often times when my depression hits, my good old friend anxiety comes around also. Like if I hear bad news, or if I see something triggering, I feel my stomach drop and I'm nauseous. There isn't enough air. I feel heavy and lightweight at the same time. My heart and head race at a million miles per hour. And I can't breathe.
Of course, I experience these sudden drops of depression the rest of the year, too. But when I'm at school, I have so many resources to help me through the days. I have a therapist I talk to that my school provides. I have a doctor that checks up on me to make sure my prescription is doing its job. I have a roommate who is caring and supportive and have stayed up with me for hours into the night listening to me complain. I have a daily routine, which helps me get through the days. The school schedules fun activities throughout the school year, encouraging me to get out of my dorm. But during summer and Christmas break, all of this goes away. And I'm terrified that in 2 years when I graduate, what will happen?
I often feel very frustrated with myself, and I feel that others are, too. I feel frustrated that when my illnesses get bad again, I feel like my friends are purposefully leaving me out. I feel frustrated that they feel like have to be careful what they say around me because I might snap. I'm frustrated that I often jump to conclusions. I'm frustrated that I am so forgetful. I'm frustrated that I have no motivation. I'm frustrated that my ghosts won't leave me alone. I can't seem to let go of the past. I can't officially get rid of my illnesses. It might go away for a month or two, but it always comes back. I'm frustrated that it is all just one big cycle.
Long story short, I can't wait for school to start again.
