Welcome hombres and nasty women to the all-inclusive Inauguration Night Survival guide! Here you will find a variety of necessities to get you through a rocky evening, including: snacks, adult beverages, and even that one sad song you know you're going to need. We all know it's been a tough election, but what will be even more tough is sitting through the inauguration of the world's most pretentious Cheeto (Who knew that was even possible?). However, this guide will help you to take a tough night and turn it into a semi-almost-sorta-probably not though- bearable night! And who doesn't want that?! So, amigos and pigs, grab your snacks, grab your drinks and get ready to not remember this night!
In terms of snacks...
1. Did someone say tacos???
My first recommendation to you would be to call out delivery order from Trump Towers. Trust me, it'll be worth it when you end up with the BEST Mexican food ever! Because where else would you be able to find a taco as authentic and tasty? Beats me. And who wouldn't want to be #twinning with the POTUS when they upload a picture of themselves and their taco bowl to Twitter?!
2. Steak...I think?
Picture a steak--a beautiful cut of meat, cooked just right so when you cut into it the blood and juices flow out, providing you with a tender, delicious meal. Now scratch that image, because that is NOT what we are having tonight. Inauguration Night is a night to celebrate the man lucky enough to have cheated the system to make presidency; thus the night should be all about him. Our good pal Trump is a HUGE fan of steaks, shocker. But, if we are going to truly snack in solidarity with our POTUS we need to cook our steaks to the fullest potential. Trump will only eat his steak if it is cooked well over what would be considered "well-done." Maybe he just doesn't want to eat raw meat and put his safety at risk? We should follow suit and feel #blessed to have a POTUS that cares so deeply about the degree at which his meat is cooked.
In terms of drinks...
Our newest prez Donald may not drink...but that doesn't mean you can't! In fact, the drinks are arguably the most important part of inauguration night. They are the one piece of the puzzle that will help you forget all of the pain and suffering that's to come in the next four years...even if it's just for a few hours. I have concocted the perfect list of beverages to fill your glasses with in the hopes of making the night just a tiny bit tolerable.
If you picture this night being rough you may want to skip the fancy cocktails and just go straight to the goods. Everclear. Personally, I recommend 190-proof for such an occasion. No chase. No mix. Not only will it knock you to your feet, but there's a chance it could knock you out for the next four years...which may not be the worst thing...
2. Refer back to #1.
Really. Scroll back up. I'm telling you from experience, Everclear is the only thing that will make an unbearable night tolerable, so fill your glass, turn on your TV and keep the bottles nearby.
In terms of music...
After all of that Everclear you're going to need something to drown out the sound of your thoughts about our impending doom...and the sound of the actual inauguration ceremony. I know what song I'll be crying to on January 20th.
1. R.E.M. - Everybody Hurts
Need I say more? Everybody hurts...everybody cries...sometimes everything is wrong....sounds pretty fitting to me.
Well, there you have it folks. Everything you're going to need to survive January 20th...and quite possibly the next four years. I can only hope that I did my part in making your Inauguration Day a little more tolerable.
...On that note, I'll be curled up on the couch eating my taco bowl, listening to R.E.M. with a glass of liquid joy, crying about our future. Happy Inauguration Day, AmIRight!?