I did not want to write about this, at all. But, I really felt like God wanted me to write about anxiety. Maybe because at this point in life, this is the worst my anxiety has ever been. Maybe because I actually told my mom about how bad it was. Maybe because I was admitting I couldn't do this on my own anymore. Who knows? I sure don't. I hope that this can help at least one person because that is my best guess as to why God put this on my heart.

I started having panic attacks in 7th grade. I was a dancer in my school's musical, a dancing jitterbug in "Wizard of Oz". I was so excited. As rehearsals went on, I started to feel like an outcast because just about every other dancer was very popular, and I was very not. It eventually turned into these girls completely excluding me and could sometimes be quite mean. I would go on stage and then all of the sudden couldn't breathe. My chest was so tight. I would try to push past it, but dancing for a seven-minute musical number while not breathing is pretty hard. I first told my mom because I didn't want to get kicked out.

She asked when I felt like I couldn't breathe. I told her it was just when I was dancing, and so we thought it was just me getting nervous about dancing on stage. Then, they started to happen off stage and became more frequent. My mom and the musical director had a meeting one day, but I didn't know about what. I now know they were talking about my anxiety. After this meeting, I was just told to get off stage and breathe whenever I felt like I couldn't breathe, then the musical ended and so did the panic attacks.

Looking back now, I know for sure that I was suffering from anxiety. I didn't know what it was though, so I never really knew how to manage it. In 8th grade, I went through a really hard time and felt like a complete mess, because I was just having panic attacks left and right. I never knew what they were, so I never knew what to do. Then, in 9th grade, I met a girl at youth group that told her testimony about her depression and anxiety. She described exactly how I felt. I went up to her afterword and we talked for hours, and I finally had a name for what I was experiencing. I was having a panic attack, because of anxiety. It was so scary but also so relieving that I finally had a name for this feeling.

Once I knew what it was, I thought I could conquer it on my own. I Googled, "How to deal with anxiety", read the self-help methods and was ready to conquer it. I would text the girl that helped me figure out what I was experiencing on the super terrible days, but I did my best to keep everything I was feeling to myself. I didn't want to burden others with my problems. I still feel this way most days, if we're being honest. I know this is the worst mindset I could have. Keeping things to myself made everything 10 times worse. My brain would just get more and more worked up about whatever I was anxious about. Being the stubborn human being that I am, I never changed my ways until this past Tuesday when I finally texted my mom. That was just the tip of the iceberg. There are many more changes that I need to make.

I just find it so hard to tell others about my problems, because I don't want to burden them with my feelings and struggles. I know that the people closest to me are there for me and that I am not burdening them, but I still feel like I am just going to bother them. But, whenever I can, I want to help my friends with all their problems. I set a double standard for myself. I know that there are so many people just like me. I want to tell all of us that we are wrong. We are not burdens. People are not going to be mad when we ask for help. We are not weak when we ask for help. We are not weak when we admit defeat. We are not weak.

This is much easier said than done. As I'm sitting here writing this, I know that for me to do what I'm recommending will be so hard. I will fail over and over. I know that if my friends read this I am going to be embarrassed because I am admitting a very personal flaw that I need help with. But God is still pressing heavy on my heart that this is for a reason- whatever that reason may be.

The verse that I always think of when I am struggling with my anxiety is 1 John 4:18 (ESV):

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear."

God loves me. He really, truly does. Even when I feel like nobody does. Even when I feel like I don't deserve love. No matter how I feel- no matter what I do- God loves me. When you change "me" to "you" in those past couple of sentences, it is still true. God loves you. He really, truly does. Even when you feel like nobody does. Even when you feel like you don't deserve love. No matter how you feel -- no matter what you do -- God loves you. With this love, we don't need fear because we have an almighty God that can do anything. Now, I'm not telling you that your fear and anxiety shouldn't exist, I'm encouraging you to give your fear and anxiety over to God and watch what he does with it. That's what I'm about to do, I'm finally giving God control over this, and I cannot wait to see how this ends.