"I never gave up. I just decided it was time to let go." This was the saying I told myself over and over again. I had to hang it on my wall, replay it in my head, and even say it out loud to myself at some points in time because both phrases meant the same thing to me- quitting. And I associated quitting with failure. It took me a long time to realize that the phrases were not interchangeable, and sometimes I still have to remind myself that I am not failing.
My breaking point was in my junior year of high school I went through a difficult situation that I worked so hard to make right. I put all of my effort and energy into trying to fix this situation, but despite my best efforts there came a point when I could do no more. The circumstance was out of my hands. I was left feeling like a quitter. I didn't want to give up. I didn't want to stop trying. But, I knew that I could not keep giving my everything to a situation I had no control over. It would only break me down further and disappoint me more. It was then that I realized that I was not giving up on this problem, but instead I was letting it go. It was time to give it up to the Lord.
It's not like I didn't still try my best or work hard. I put the outcome of the situation into God's hands instead of my own. I was not giving up on this task but I was letting go of the anxiety, fear, and pressure that it brought me. It was an extremely uplifting feeling when I finally let go.
However, since my junior year of high school I have struggled with many more situations where I have tried to reach a goal through my own efforts and once again been left feeling like a quitter. This is because I did not let go. Even when I realize letting go is best I still have a problem doing so. I ask myself why? I know that when I make the conscious decision to let go I feel so much better and often the circumstance ends in a more positive way. Yet, I still struggle.
Recently, I've realized that the answer to my struggles is that my phrase about giving up versus letting go is not only made for specific situations. It's a lifestyle. Letting go is a lifestyle you have to choose to live. You have to make a conscious decision everyday to give every moment up to God and realize that you are not quitting. Instead, you are giving yourself and the circumstance over to something so much bigger.
I'm still struggling everyday with this. I'm a perfectionist by nature and it's hard not to be disappointed when something doesn't go exactly as I've planned. But, taking the pressure off yourself can bring you so much joy. When you choose to let go of circumstances, both big and small, fear of failure loses its hold on you and is replaced by overwhelming peace about who you are and what you can accomplish.
