How to Pretend You Know Football

How to Pretend You Know Football

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Remember that time when you were watching the game and shouted “Hole in one!” or said “Wait, I don’t see LeBron James down there” or asked “If it’s called football…why do they play with their hands?”

If you have a shameful memory like that, help is on the way.

Not every American is a football genius, but you don’t have to be obsessed with the game to support your team. Not many can resist the pumped up atmosphere filled with boys, girls, and booze, so why not, right? By all means go to the game and cheer your heart out.

But in order to avoid confused looks and ashamed friends/family, you have to cheer the right way. If you know nothing about football - first of all, God help you. Second of all, here’s how to not sound completely incompetent when watching the game.

“Wait…who’s playing?”

I know it’s shocking, but take look at the scoreboard! This lovely monster of a sign is there for your convenience. It will tell you which two teams are playing. It will most likely give the abbreviation of the team and their team logos next to it. If you can’t distinguish who your home team is on the scoreboard, you should seriously reconsider your life choices, but I digress.

Do yourself and your reputation a favor and never ask anyone around you who is playing; smartphones were invented for a reason, use them. You can type in the abbreviation and you’ll find your answer within seconds. Also, common sense is key. GB does not stand for gigabyte, its Green Bay - just like CHI is not referring to your hair straightener, its Chicago. 

Think people, think! College team abbreviations are very straightforward, for example, IOWA is The University of Iowa, and NDAME is Notre Dame.

“Which one’s the quarterback?...What’s a quarterback?”

To put it simply, there is an offense and a defense on the field. The offense has the ball and is trying to score against the defense, who are trying to defend. The quarterback is the most important offensive player. In social media terms, he is the guy who gets most of the screen time and who’s most likely on all the food/credit card commercials, okay? The quarterback receives the ball after “hut hut hike!” and either runs with the ball or passes it to another teammate to try and score a touchdown.

Learn his name, and you can cheer him on along with everyone else. You don’t want to mistake your quarterback for another player on a different football team or, dare I say it, a different sports team. LeBron James plays basketball, people, not football.

“LET’S GO (insert team name here)!” 

The ultimate way to express your enthusiasm for your team without naming statistics or players is to cheer! Get into it! Show you care! Nobody will put you down for supporting your boys. When everyone else around you is doing a specific motion or chant in response to a play, listen/look once and imitate. You don’t even have to know what it means, save that for Google later.

You will stick out and look ridiculous if you’re the only one in your section not standing up for the kickoff or not participating in Panchero’s Burrito Lift. Your opinion on burritos is irrelevant at this point, put your hands up and lift. Participating in these chants and game rituals makes you look like a local fan who knows what’s up.

“Where’s the basket?”

My poor child, separate your sports please. There is no type of basket, box, or bucket, in football that you put the ball in. Let’s get that straight right now. Instead, there is an "end zone" where all the offensive players are trying to run to with the ball. These zones are the rectangular zones located at each end of the field where those pitchfork looking structures ("the goalposts") are. They usually are colored differently than the rest of the field and have a team name across them as well.

Once an offensive player runs into this zone with the ball, they have just scored a touchdown. This is where you yell “Touchdown!” and yell your heart out. Clap your hands, high five your neighbor, do a victory dance! Make sure it was your team that just scored though, not your opponent, that would be awkward.   

Knowing these basic facts can help you pull off a football-knowing façade any game day of the year. When it all comes down to it, as long as you love your team then you’re already on the right track to knowing football. Go, fight, win!

Aw, you just learned that? Well there ya go, keep it up.

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7 Lies From F*ckboys That We've All Fallen For At Least Once

They might've had you goin' for a hot second, but you know better now.
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There’s no use in even frontin’; we’ve all been there. You know he’s a f*ckboy from the beginning, but you’re interested in pursuing him anyway. Ain't no thang; I fully support you.

You tell yourself you won’t fall for his games or lies because you’ve been through it all so many times before. Yet, time and time again, you find yourself slippin’ for a hot second, wanting to give him the benefit of the doubt until he inevitably disappoints you. Here are the top seven lies you’ve heard from f*ckboys that get you heated every time.

1. You’re the only girl I’m talking to/sleeping with


HAHAHA. OK, first, I don't actually care what (or who) you're doing in your spare time because you're definitely not the only guy I'm seeing either. I'm just asking so I know you're clean, OK? I don't need more stress in my life.

2. I know how to treat girls right

Isn't it super ironic how the WORST f*ckboys are the ones to toss this line?

3. I’ll text you

This statement is so unbelievable that on the off chance that they do actually text you, you basically fall out of your chair in shock.

4. I’m gonna give it to you good

I cry/cringe/die of laughter every time I hear this one because it's always the mediocre ones that throw this line. None of my most memorable hookups have ever said this because their actions clearly speak for them. Mediocre boys, TAKE NOTE.

5. Damn, I wanted to see you though

Well, you were supposed to, but then you clearly had other plans in mind. So the desire wasn’t all that intense, obviously.

6. Yeah, she and I broke up

CLASSIC LIE. CLASSIC. Sure, I believed it the first couple of times, but don’t even try that sh*t with me after I see she’s still blowin’ up your line.

7. *No response for hours after making plans* Damn, sorry I fell asleep


Honestly, how many times are you gonna throw that line when you’re literally viewable on Snap Map. BOY, I see you at someone else’s house. Stop frontin’, there’s no point.


Again, don't ask me why we put up with this sh*t because the mystery remains. I guess in our own sick, twisted ways, we crave the dramatics and thrills that come from their f*ckery. Whatever the reason, though, at least we've got some ~fun~ stories to tell.

Cover Image Credit: YouTube | I'm Shmacked

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The 2018 LSU Football Season Changed My Life

I've loved LSU football my whole life, but my first year as an LSU Tiger watching the games live has changed my life. There is nothing like singing Callin' Baton Rouge with 102,320 of your closest friends as kick-off time grows closer. My first season in Tiger Stadium has changed my life and I couldn't be happier.

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Louisiana sports fans are a whole different breed of people. For LSU fans the saying "Live Purple Love Gold" goes way beyond sports. It is who we are and it is a major part of our lives. From infants to the elderly, the devotion to the Tigers is deeply rooted across the Sportsman's Paradise and across the nation. We are used to losing some and winning some — and we are definitely used to losing games we should have won and used to winning games we should have lost. That's something that makes our fans true blue. We love the team when they're down- and we love them when they're up.

This 2018 season has drug us through a whole range of emotions. We defeated the odds and beat Miami in the first week of the season. Two weeks later I sat and watched as we defeated Auburn by 1 point in a last-second field goal by none other than Cole Tracy. The 21-22 miracle was an answer to our prayers, as my friends and I literally knelt on the floor holding hands and prayed for the kick to be good. At that moment our season changed for the better.

Our happiness was further elevated two weeks later by defeating Ole Miss in Tiger Stadium — where the chance of rain is NEVER (even though we were soaked to the core by the end of the game). At the end of the night I had to throw away my favorite pair of white pants from the dirt and rain - but watching LSU beat another SEC team in Tiger Stadium for the first time live was worth every second.

Hoping our luck would stick and we would win, my friends and I trekked halfway across the country from Baton Rouge, Louisiana to Gainesville, Florida to watch LSU take on their next opponent. Smuggling six (yes six) people across state lines in a four-person car is something I will never forget as long as I live. The drive there was only supposed to be eight hours, we made it in 14. The Tigers lost in the Swamp, but making a pit stop to play in the waves on the way home made up for it for sure. Our spirits were a little crushed, but as always we knew our Tigers would come back from it.

Our sadness quickly changed to elation again the next week as the Tigers beat the #2 team in the country at the time- the Georgia Bulldogs. I had never seen Tiger Stadium so full of life or heard it so loud. Storming the field after the victory was a moment that students and fans alike will never forget. If you could see us all carrying "souvenirs" out of the stadium for us to remember the game forever you'd understand how happy we were. I have scars on the back of my ankles from where I cut myself on the fence as I jumped over in my heels. As a girl who grew up in metro Atlanta and seeing all of her UGA fan friends so confused and upset - it was one of the best moments of my life.

The next week provided us a win over Mississippi State (once again in the pouring rain) and then a bye week to prepare for what every LSU fan dreads — Alabama. With #FreeDevinWhite all over campus and College GameDay setting up in the Quad, the anxious and ominous feeling surrounding Baton Rouge is a feeling I will never forget. Watching the purple and gold busloads of fans pour in town amazed me. Dedication to our team, knowing the outcome is uncertain, to say the least, is something LSU fans do best.

Our staggering loss against Alabama hurt our souls, but we never let it keep us down. After our weekend of mourning it was time to get back on with life. A win on the road against Arkansas and an absolute shutout against Rice all led us to the last game of the year- Texas A&M.;

Students at home for Thanksgiving, like me, all huddled around our TVs as we watched the 7 overtime game. 72-74. A game we should have won three times over. My heart hurt for all of the football players and fans in College Station that day. Our team deserved every point they got — and the ones they were cheated of. Those who were able to go to the game said they wouldn't change their decision, as this is a new LSU classic game.

Coming to LSU from out of state and being 500 miles from home I was terrified and scared for what was to come. I loved LSU and I loved football so I knew when the season started I'd be okay. Throughout this season I have made so many memories that I will carry for a lifetime. I will tell my children and grandchildren about the stories and adventures LSU football gave me this year. I have made friends that I would not trade for the world, who through thick and thin sat beside me on game day and every other day I needed them.

There isn't a second I would change or do over. I'd do it again and again if I could.

So win or lose on January 1 against UCF, it's still forever LSU.

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