I have wanted to be a parent since the moment I realized that I could be, so it came as no surprise when I was told that I should read Danny Silk’s book, "Loving Our Kids on Purpose."
This book that has radically changed not only how I view the role of a parent but my roles in any healthy relationship. The premise of the book is to teach parents how to eliminate fear and punishment in the home by promoting a heart-to-heart relationship with their children by teaching them how to manage their freedoms. Teachings and guidelines in the book are introduced from a Biblical perspective and give parents the tools to foster healthy relationships with their children by modeling God’s relationship with His children.
The book addresses the biggest plight facing the relationships we have with our children: Fear. In the Bible, it says in 1 John 4:8 that love drives out fear, and there is no fear in love. The author states that through this belief, we should not use fear to push our children toward the goal of obedience and compliance. He cautions us to avoid punishment and value a connection with our kids above obedience. Silk states, “When their goal is to avoid punishment, then they have no goal of protecting your heart.”
Silk makes the point that “...to cast our anxiety (fear) in our children, we must first cast it out in ourselves.” As parents, we must allow our children to practice messing up when they are in the safety net of our home. When we create a safe place for them to fail while learning about life, they learn without fear and trust us as their parents to take care of them in the process.
When we realize that we truly can’t control our children, or anyone else for that matter, we stop giving our self-control away to our emotions. Angry, fearful reactions to people’s mistakes reveal that somewhere in our minds we believe that not only can people be controlled, but that they need to be controlled so that they won’t make mistakes that cause us to feel out of control. We think, “I must control them so I can have some control over the quality of my own life.”
Silk’s point of view throughout the book is one that encourages Christians to examine the relationship God has with His children so that we may replicate it with our own. In the Bible, when the Pharisees asked Jesus what the greatest commandment was, He startled them with His response, “Love God, love your neighbor and love yourself” (Luke 10:27). The Pharisees had hoped that He was going to say, “Obey this commandment,” because they placed priority on obedience and compliance to “the rules.” In one fell swoop, Jesus promoted relationship above the rules.
I hope to one day embody gentleness and self-control when I parent my children so that they have a safe and loving environment to grow and learn in. Many of the truths that Silk shared in his book can be applied not only to my future relationships as a parent but my relationships now with friends and family. Setting boundaries and communicating respect while holding fast to self-control and gentleness are things I will strive for in all of my relationships. Without the revelation of some of these simple truths, I wouldn’t have realized that I was neglecting them. I am so thankful for this book, and it has my highest recommendations.
