Over the weekend I had the privilege to attend MBLGTACC (Midwest Bisexual Lesbian Gay Transgender Ally College Conference) in Chicago. Before the weekend started, I was highly considering suicide for multiple reasons. I am no writing this pity, I am writing this in hopes that it will help other people who are struggling. Or help people who have friends or family struggling. By the time the weekend ended, though, I had completely changed my mind about wanting to end my life.
On the drive there, which was about three hours, I spent a lot of my time thinking about why I was feeling the way I was feeling. The only answer I have is the lack of parental support in my life currently and also the inconsistency of men, whether that be guy friends or boyfriends. It seems like they are never consistent, and that has really been getting to me. I continued to sit there and think about those reasons, debating whether those were really "good" reasons to kill myself. I didn't really have a good answer to that.
As my group entered Chicago Friday afternoon, I realized during a traffic jam that I should make some goals for myself. Maybe those things would keep me going. I made the goal to visit all 50 states and do one cool thing while I'm there. This is a long term goal, this is something that I personally can't complete within a year or two, so I am making it a life goal of mine in hopes that it will keep me going.
After my group got settles into our hotel, we headed to Navy Pier where the conference was being held. It was pretty cool because, on the way there, I ran into a friend that I made at MBLGTACC last year. It was nice to see him, especially because he has this radiating positivity that just makes you feel good about yourself and the things around you. When my group got there I was amazed at all of the beauty around me. Sometimes it really takes your breath away when you walk into a room full of beautiful gay people.
During this conference, there are tons of workshops to attend, but there was one that impacted me a lot more than the others, it was called "Grassroots Mental Health". In this workshop, the two speakers talked about how sometimes you just need someone to sit in silence with you so you know they are there for you. Sometimes comforting someone doesn't need to involve talking to them. Towards the end of the workshop, the speakers took questions and listened to comments. One person's comment really stuck out to me. It was something like "when someone has a broken leg, we want to carry them. I think a lot of us have broken legs, so if we try to carry the other person we're not going to get very far."
This was an eye opener because I always love "broken" people. That is something I will never regret, but it is something that takes a massive toll on me. That is why I am not even open to dating right now because I know that because of the person I am I will try to find someone to help. This really put some things into perspective for me. I think the conference as a whole just really made me feel less alone.
Another member and I in PRIDE even made some plans for next academic year and that really made me feel good because it's another goal that will keep me around. It was very little things this weekend that gave me hope. I might be a mess, but I am working my way through it despite the lack of support I have from family. This conference really helped me, I am so happy that I went with such a great group. I am also so thankful that I got to spend time with the friend I made last year, even though we don't see each other often it is nice to know that there is someone miles and miles away that also cares. It kind of makes you see how many people you actually touch and connect with in your life. That's why I decided against suicide, I know I have impacted a lot of people, and I want to impact much more
