The story of our little town and the loss we have all felt, time and time again, is nothing new. Death is a part of life and we all know that our grandparents, our pets and our older relatives are going to pass away someday. I was not prepared or ready when I lost my friends. I wasn’t prepared for the finality of never seeing them again, without a chance to say goodbye. I don't understand losing someone who hasn't accepted their high school diploma yet or isn't old enough to legally have a beer. You’re not supposed to know how that feels and it’s not supposed to happen. But it did happen and now I know how it feels.

It’s as if God just dropped a bomb right on top of your town and nothing is the same anymore. Everything is covered in dust and you’re waiting to uncover the wounded and affected. Nothing looks or feels right and everything is just wrong and empty. For me, it was a huge chunk of my heart and soul that was ripped out in one second. Missing. Broken. Annihilated. At first, I was numb. I remember being in a daze of confusion and not knowing if anything was real. I kept telling myself, this is a dream, a nightmare, wake up. I couldn’t imagine a world without them and I didn’t want to. Everyone talked around me and I heard and felt nothing. I was a shell of who I used to be and that’s how it began to change me.

After the numbness is over, It feels like you swallowed hot coals and they’re stuck in your esophagus, burning, blazing and getting hotter by the minute. You can’t breathe, think straight or focus on anything but the pain. You wake up every single day facing the same truth that they're not going to answer your phone call or be there to hug that morning. That’s when the tears finally come and you’re wishing for that numbness to return. To find that state of unconsciousness where nothing seemed to be real, because this reality is far too real and far too much for you to handle.

You start to replay your memories: every conversation, laugh, hug, promise and I love you. Everything is gone and that can’t be real, can it? You ask for the answers to impossible questions and start to ask the “what ifs.” You begin to blame yourself for the hours, days and months you weren’t there for them and send yourself into crazy episodes. You go through this angry time in your life and you’re furious with the world, God and yourself. Anger made me colder, selfish and more aware that nothing lasts forever. I began making decisions and choices I never would have before, just to feel something and I began pushing people away. I lived in the silence of my own grief and let these little pieces of myself just evaporate inside me. In that silence, I understood the unimaginable ways someone can die and still be alive.

I went through a time of darkness that I can never get back. Then one day, I felt a little better than the day before and it continued. We all have our good days and our bad days, but my good days started outweighing the bad. I began to see purple flowers and smile instead of cry. I began to live my life as they would have wanted, instead of hiding because they were no longer there to share it with me. I latched onto my best friends a little tighter, because we don’t know how much time we have together. I began to appreciate this world a little more, knowing that I had two beautiful boy angels helping me out.

“The hardest part of saying goodbye is having to do it again every single day. Every day we face the same truth. But life is fleeting. That our time here is short. And to honor the fallen, we must live our own lives well.” - Lucas Scott narration, One Tree Hill.

It’s been seven and a half years since my first loss and I can say on some days, I still feel like I’m grieving. I still wake up realizing I’m never going to hear their voices again and I suddenly can’t breathe. I still sit at stop lights and cry, listening to their laugh as if they’re sitting next to me, singing along to the radio. I still sometimes avoid songs they loved, because they make me feel too much. I still hold onto their clothes and ask God why they were taken from me and from all of us. Losing a friend is unlike anything you could ever expect, because we truly believe we have our whole lives to say what we feel and do what we want to do. What happens when your whole life is only 18 years?

There will be a hole in my heart that will never be filled, mended or healed, because without them, parts of me are gone. I think that the important thing is to never let go of them or the memories, but to let go of the pain. I will probably hurt forever, but grieving pain can take over your whole life and make you into someone you don't like. I’ve let too many things in my life alter my smile, so I try to keep my promise that this won’t be one of them. I will smile because of who they were and the time we had together, although not nearly enough. Use it as a chance to do the things you want and say the things you feel, because we just never know when it's going to be our last chance to do so.

There’s nothing easy about losing someone and time does not heal the wounds. All we can hope for is a string of good days that outshine the bad.