I have started this article seven different times, all completely different, and none of them have seemed right to me. I think the problem I'm facing is that I can't seem to decide how I want to go about trying to tell someone to love another with mental disorders. How do you tell someone that even if you completely devote yourself to your spouse, show them in every single way any romance has ever described, they might not ever feel worthy enough of that love and devotion? It's not easy, right?
To be honest, I don't know what it's like trying to love someone with mental disorders. In fact, my fiance doesn't have any mental disorders at all. He's balanced and strong, and he doesn't hide from who he is. You may be asking yourself what makes me qualified to tell you how to love a spouse with a mental disorder. What makes me qualified to try to explain what it is that makes loving someone with any mental disorders so difficult? Well, I'm the one with the mental disorders.
A little over a year ago I was diagnosed with severe generalized anxiety disorder, severe panic disorder, and moderately severe depression. I was completely floored with that diagnosis because like many others, I'm sure, I kept asking myself how could I be depressed? How could I have depression? I have all of my ducks in a row. I have a job, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. I'm going to school for my dream job. I have an outstanding boyfriend who means the world to me. So how could I be depressed?
First things first; being depressed and having depression are two completely different things. One is short-term, one is long-term. One is a mood, the other is a disorder. Get the picture? Good.
Anyway, loving someone that has a mental disorder can be rough. I don't think I could sugarcoat it if I tried. Like any other love, it can be extremely worth it if you stick through the hard times. I've heard so many comments as a person with mental disorders. Giving you some insight on how to respond to such comments might help you if your loved one suffers from one.
"She is always so hard on herself..." -- well of course she is. She's got depression. There is a song by Evanescence called "Good Enough", and the first time I heard it I bawled because at that point in time I had no clue if I'd ever be "good enough" to be loved as deeply as the song described. In all honesty, there are still some days that I feel like that, but luckily those days are few and far between. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Being a perfectionist is often something that goes hand-in-hand with being depressive. No, that doesn't mean your house is going to be spotless. In fact, sometimes it might be the exact opposite because she might want to completely flip your house, but she doesn't know how to achieve it. It's that lack of knowledge that sends her into a spiral of self-doubt and anger. When this happens, when you want to yell and scream because your house isn't "company ready", hold her instead. Give her a hug. Help her. Don't get an attitude with her because all you're going to do is make the situation worse. You will be adding fuel to her already burning fire of self-inflicted misery. I'm not saying baby her, because that's the last thing an adult needs in today's society. I'm saying be respectful of the fact that there are other factors at play.
"Is there anything I can do to make it go away?" -- the only way you can actually make a mental illness go away is by ridding yourself of that person, so unless you're looking to start fresh with someone new I'd get saddled up. The mental disorder is not the person. The person is not the mental disorder. Loving her and all of her flaws means understanding that her mental disorder might never completely go away, and being completely okay with that. It might actually teach you things in your relationship that you wouldn't have ever known. I think my fiance has become increasingly patient with me over the years because he takes my diagnosis into account.
"She is always so (insert negative adjective here)" -- This is a big one. If your loved one has a mental disorder, please do not be judgmental and do not blame. These both lead to hardships in relationships that you may not come out of without some cuts and bruises. Your loved one doesn't need you to beat her up. She does enough of it herself. Instead, choose words of understanding. Be empathetic towards her. The same goes with my first point. She needs you to understand that sometimes her mental health takes a toll on her.
"She's on medication, so she's fine" -- Wrong. Completely wrong. Medications don't fix the disorder. They nay help decrease the number of times your loved one has an anxiety attack, but they aren't going to keep her from ever having an attack. And when your loved one thinks she has finally found a medication that helps her stay "tuned" who is to say that her brain chemistry doesn't change? It can, and does, happen, and when it does it's back to the doctor for a change in dosage or even a whole new medication. What's even worse is when you're changing your medication that particular one might not even work for you, so you're in limbo until you've been on the medication for a few weeks. Brains are weird. Medication doesn't mean she's 100% all the time; 24/7, 52 weeks, 12 months, 365 days of the year. It means that she might have be about 80%, 16/5, 45 weeks, 300 days of the year. Those 300 days are better than you would have had had she not gotten her butt diagnosed and properly taken care of.
"I don't see why she can't just snap herself out of it" -- Okay, this one really hurts. Like I said before, it's not a mood. It's a disorder. It's a disease. It's an illness. You don't go up to a person with Alzheimer's and tell them to "snap out of it", do you? That's just plain rude. I'm sure if you go up to someone with Alzheimer's, that is at least "there" somewhat, and you asked them if they would get rid of their disorder if they could most, if not all, would say hell yes! That's the same thing with mental disorders. If I could be 100% mentally healthy I would be in a heartbeat. I spend money I don't have on doctors visits and medication that an otherwise healthy 23-year-old shouldn't have to. I have gone to my primary care physician more times in the last 2 years than I had since my freshman year of high school. Do you think I'd want to spend that money if I didn't have to? I don't think so!
Having a mental disorder does not make you crazy. It doesn't make you any less human than a mentally healthy person. It does help you sympathize better with others who struggle to live on a daily basis, though, and that's one thing I wouldn't change at all. There are so many other things I have heard, some not nearly as "pleasant" as the ones described above. I'll save those for a rainier day. In the meantime, read what I've written, and if you find yourself loving someone who is battling one of these invisible disorders I hope this article helps you.
For more information about mental illnesses and how you can help someone battling them please visit any of the following websites:
• http://www.nimh.nih.gov/index.shtml
• http://www.nami.org/
• https://www.mentalhealth.gov
• http://strengthofus.org/
