All throughout elementary school, as early as I can remember, kids gave me a hard time. It was about the way I acted, the way I dressed, the things I did, and even my body. Those 5 years were some of the hardest for me, and I feel it is an underlying reason for my social anxiety. I fear judgment and ridicule, the same things I faced so often from ages 7-to-11. I was bullied about things during a time when children are easily molded and influenced by their environments. Now, as an adult, I can see how it’s shaped me.
When you’re 9, it’s very easy to shame your own body just because one kid compared the amount of hair on your arms to that of a man. When you’re 10 and a girl grimaces at the hair on your legs, you learn very quickly how to ask mom for shaving advice. At age 11, when a friend draws you from the side and adds a big ol’ tummy, you become self-conscious for the rest of your life. These are just a few examples of the way kids made fun of my body as a child. When you’re young, you’re impressionable, and as you grow up and towards your teen years, you worry so much about what other kids think of you. When you learn that kids think natural part of your body disgust them, you can be torn down very quickly. And that’s only one way they’ll do it.
When exactly I started to dislike myself, I’m unsure. All I know is that by age 11, I wanted to change everything about myself. I hated the way I acted, the way I looked, and just about everything. When kids don’t want you for kickball at recess, and girls tell you your outfits look stupid, and boys like to make fun of the art work you’re so proud of, you feel like something is horribly wrong with you. You feel like you don’t belong. In elementary school, the classes are small and friend groups are tightknit. For the most part, everyone is pals, and not feeling included in that group of pals is upsetting.
In middle school, I learned very quickly that popularity isn’t as big of a thing as TV shows make it seem, and the older you get, the less important it is. I made friends from many different groups and classes, and getting into high school I felt perfectly OK only sticking to a couple close friends. I got used to my quirks, and even though social anxiety brings me down some days, I’ve gotten used to the characteristics that make me who I am. Even if I dwell on someone’s comment about my outfit or a behavior of mine, I have come to accept that it is their own opinion, and the one that matters the most is my own. This is one of the greatest mindsets I have taken on.
So far as my body goes, I struggled for a long time to accept it, from my stomach to my thighs, even the shape of my face sometimes. I didn’t wear shorts for years (even during the Texas summers) all because I hated my thighs. I didn’t want to put myself in anything that hugged the tiny pudge of my abdomen I focused on so much. Now I rock crop tops like no other. While I do wear some higher waisted pants and skirts, I have learned to love my body for what it is. Do I still have bad body-confidence days? Heck yeah, we all do sometimes. Those days are rare, though. While I sometimes cover up my stomach, and some days wish it was a little more flat, I love my body. I love the curves I have. I love my waist, and my hips, and the way my booty looks in a good pair of jeans. I’ve come to love so much of myself.
Bullying isn’t something to be taken lightly. The way I was made fun of and excluded isn’t what is always shown on TV. I wasn’t called names or shoved around, so it was hard to see the way kids treated me as bullying until I got older. Though I spent a lot of time hating myself because of my classmates’ words, I have vowed to spend more time loving myself. Everything about me is unique, and even if someone else has a problem with it, I won’t. Even though it was one of the most negative influences on me, I have turned it into one of the most positive. I’m amazing, and no one can tell me otherwise.
To learn more about bullying, its effects, and how to spot it, visit stopbullying.gov
