Ah, the memories and traditions that came about. The chaos of being in two places at once, the aroma of delicious food in the oven, the craft of spiced coffee, the screams of “BONK,” and a mysterious little snowman always peering from behind.
A now empty chair makes it no secret that life has changed.
Meanwhile, the rest of the world goes along on its way. Losing someone is hard enough as it is without the daunting reminder of the holidays. Instead of embracing this time, you may find yourself looking for the nearest escape route. Last year was my first holiday season without Kevin, an emotionally trying time to say the least. I tried my best to avoid it all together via my go-to escape, traveling.
Many will be facing their first holiday season without their loved ones this year. With another season quickly approaching, and no plans to escape, I’ve found myself expecting the worst. Wondering how I’ll get through it without falling apart or ruining the good time being had by those around me. A few things to keep in mind for those who are:
The anticipation can be worse than the holiday itself. The holidays are generally a time of memories and high expectations. Just thinking about it creates an overwhelming sense of panic within me. It is difficult to feel the joyful spirit when you’re constantly aware of your loved one’s absence. With reminders visible everywhere you look, it is impossible to avoid the impact of the holiday season.
Give yourself the liberty of taking one year at a time. Acknowledge that things have changed and the holidays will never be the same again. Some may find comfort in past traditions, some may choose to avoid them and do something new. It’s okay to do things differently. Anyone grieving should feel they have the freedom to celebrate the holidays in any way they choose.
Plan ahead. Planning is having something to look forward to approaching the holidays rather than the build up of the dreaded pain it could bring. Only you know what is best for you. Even if you have chosen to opt out of the holidays, make other plans for yourself. Treat yourself to something you enjoy doing.
Allow yourself to feel. You are human and capable of all sorts of emotions. Try to stay in tune with your own highest truth without judging yourself and others. It's sad to think about what you've lost, what can never be again. It's especially hard to experience this during what’s supposed to be, a happy time of the year. Experiencing nostalgic moments is a part of life after loss. You may feel peaceful one moment and upset the next. Whatever your emotions, embrace them.
Allow yourself the right to grieve. Our culture has this unrealistic expectation of death. There is this unfair pressure to ‘get on’ with life. The truth is, there is no rulebook to grief. I believe it’s important to allow each person to grieve in their own way, on their own time. It is normal to want to opt out of holiday events and gatherings that emphasize togetherness. Some people prefer to temper their pain through the distraction of people while others want to withdraw from the world.
Honor your loved one. Honoring your loved one during the holidays helps to keep them in our hearts. When I went traveling, I had a picture of Kevin with me everywhere I went. Reminisce memories, share stories, and talk about your loved one with those who were also close with them. Light a candle in their memory. Plan a visit to their resting place.
If you are grieving, try to find ways to accept the support and care of those who love you.
If you are spending your holiday season with someone who is grieving, consider what they need, not what you would do in the situation. Let them decide whether they want to cling to or reject traditions.
For those gathered around an empty chair, just know there’s another chair at Heaven’s table and an angel watching over yours.
