She woke up in the morning and her first thought was fear. She was scared about who could be waiting outside of her door, if she could make it another day, and how she could possibly throw clothes on and brush her hair.

Something always pushed her to keep moving forward. But no one knew that inside, she was a ticking time bomb ready to blow up at even the slightest touch. To make sure no one knew, she made up excuses to be "busy" and threw on a mask every time she couldn't lie.

She was trying to find her "why".

The truth is, she was battling things she felt like she could never tell anyone. She was receiving constant messages that brought every bad memory up. She was spending days in a row, awake, because she was scared of the nightmares that filled her mind. She was scared of what they told her.

She felt like she could never tell anyone that she doesn't know who she is anymore. Her identity is mixed up of broken pieces so small that they have no hope to get put back together again. Her mind is lost and with it went her entire spirit.

For the last month, she's been questioning who she is and who she wants to be. She doesn't know who she loves or how to love. She has been heavily questioning her identity as it relates to who and how she loves, but doesn't know how to talk about it.

All of these things have been eating her alive.

To try and get through day by day, she's began making things up. When everyone asks how she is, she doesn't think about an answer anymore. Her response is an automatic "good, and you?" instead of what's really going on. She thinks pretending to be okay will save other people...she doesn't care what saves her or not. She knows she deserves pain and wants to save everyone else.

She is so stressed and disgruntled that the only thing helping her forget her problems is tearing her apart. She is dealing internally with her new ways to cope. She is living a double life--the girl she shows outside, and the demon she is inside.

In her mind she truly believes that everyone around her wants to see her fail. Because of this, she won't answer texts or calls for days. Instead, she'll sit alone in her room and let the thoughts inside her mind consume her. She deserves the pain she is going through.

Most nights are dark. She is living via a single checklist in her iPhone notes that outlines her choices she could make and most nights, she has to look at it and think long and hard about them. The evening always ends the same: cry into the pillow, pull the blanket up balled into a fist, and say the words "God, hear me."

She hopes that the adults and friends in her life can see the changes in her and can see them clear enough to reach out a helping hand without her having to be any louder. She hopes that those same people can force her to see what they see in her. She doesn't know anymore how they can help her, but she hopes they can.

She is fully aware that the only person who can save her is herself, but she is dealing with the fact that she is not ever going to be who she dreamed of being--the girl on all over her vision boards growing up. She will never be the top of any class, the star of any team, the girl of any person's dream. She will never be asked by another student for tutoring or to represent a group at a prestigious level.

The only life she lives now is within a single room. In theory she has enough friends and connections to fill more of her life, but in practice all of those friends and connections are just passing hello's on the way to class..nothing more.

She is lonely. She is broken. She is scared. She is insecure. She just wants someone to love her.

She has lost.

Sincerely,

Her