Worrying.
It's become an addiction I can't kick. Perhaps like alcoholism. Like pronography.
I don't want to do it anymore but I can't stop. I have nowhere to start because I just keep worrying about everything and I don't know how not to. I don't know how to quit. How do you stop drinking the fear when you you've already taken a sip before you even realize it?
I remember what it was like to be excited about the future. That's what makes it even harder. I remember when the future was this crazy awesome thing ahead of me but it wasn't here yet so it didn't bother me. The future I was thinking of then, well now it's here. And the future from now isn't as exciting because the worrying drains the fun out of it. What will be my first job? How much will I make? Will it be enough to pay off all of these stupid loans? How did I end up with this much debt again? I'm only 22. Will I pay it off in time to have kids at the right time? I mean I have a biological clock you know. Will I be prepared to have kids? What if I wait a little later? Will we be able to travel and enjoy our marriage out of school with no debt and no kids? Will that happen for us? Can I make it two more years like this? With no free time to myself? Hoping I'm going to pass so I didn't waste this $30,000? Yes you can, stupid girl. Get out of my head Satan.
The future used to be fun, but now it just kind of freaks me out to be honest. I want it to be exciting again. Because honestly, there is so much to be excited about. What specialty do I want to work in as a PA? The beauty of it is that I don't have to know right off the bat! I can work in different areas until I find my niche! That is such a blessing, because it means I don't have to be worried about that right now. Kids? I mean, I freaking love babies and I'm an optimist, so when that time comes around, it's going to be great. That time will get here when it gets here. Debt? Although it feel oppressive, it's a blessing. It means I got to go to college. It means I'm in professional school. It means I'm in the 1 percent of the population that gets to do this higher education thing. It feels like a mountain on my shoulders now, but people would die to be where I am, and people have died so that I can have this opportunity. My own Daddy fought for this country, for me, so that I could do this. I'm married to a man who committed to standing by me through everything life throws at us, and at the end of every day, he has a smile on his face because he gets to be with me. Not a lot of people are willing to make a commitment like marriage, but it's a blessing to me.
You know, I feel a lot better now.
I guess counting your blessings really does work.
Maybe I can kick this addiction.
You know, I'm certainly going to try. I don't want to look back when I'm 30 and be disappointed that I spent so much of this precious time worrying. I'm more afraid of regret.
So this is my pact to myself. I am going to be more grateful. I am going to see the good in life. I am going to sing loud in the car on my way to class instead of sit in silence thinking about everything that has to happen today. I am going to keep bright, fresh flowers in my vase constantly to remind me of how I want to be. I am going to write motivational tidbits on index cards and stick them all over my office. This is my one life, my one gift. I don't want to spend it worrying. My Savior didn't die so that I could live like this. Two thousand years ago, he knew he was dying for us sinners two thousand years in the future. He knew about us and his new life gift applies to us too. So I'm taking hold of that gift.
“Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus.” -Philippians 4:6,7That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? “And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?
“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.
“So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today. -Matthew 6: 25-34
