After the events of last week, I mustered up the courage to tell a special someone that I was not interested in them. That ended my spicy romance, where literally nothing happened before it began. And, although rejecting someone's affections is always hard, it was really nice that the guy was understanding and reasonable. After I did break things off with him, I was relieved, and it was actually a really good talk. I'm glad that this experience happened, and I'm glad that I met him.
But, there was an uneasy feeling that was left lingering in me.
It was not regret, but a mix of a bit of sadness.
Although it's for the better and I know that it was the best decision to not get into a relationship, it's hard to get over the fact that something feels better than nothing. And, floating along in the middle of things is the doubt you will find someone who is "your" perfect fit. At this point in time, I'm utterly lost about what I want in a relationship. After meeting a lot of people, I want to try to find the perfect fit for me... still aware that even the best relationships still require work, of course.
Finding someone who is perfect is hard when I myself do not have a perfect ideal version of perfect. Do I want a funny guy? Do I want a responsible guy? Do I want this? Do I want that? I have no idea. And, the more people that I meet that fit my requirements, I realize I don't like them. I'm not sure if it's just that particular person or the mold that person fits.
And, although unrealistic, romantic movies show the protagonist finding love in the most unexpected ways. Yet, when they find the right person, it seems that the world screams in their face that it's something right and worth fighting for. As I watch romance movies now, I get angry when the characters are like when you know you know. But how do you know, you know? Nothing to me has felt that "right" enough to feel like the universe is leading me to my "soulmate."
Again, this is potentially because I haven't found the critically acclaimed "the one." And, at times, I am sad about this fact.
Ultimately, I do miss the feeling of having at least someone or something. It's less scary and reassuring. And, I liked being swept away by someone's interest even if I was more flattered than interested. It feels nice to be pursued even though it was just surface level interest from another party. And, pushing this slight loneliness to the side does no one good because it's good to confront these issues head-on but set aside time to grieve. The relationship has ended but it doesn't mean it doesn't have any bearing to your life. Allow yourself to grieve because it did mean something to you, although you might think the contrary.
