There are many stages of grief. Some like to believe it happens in succession like a parade and then you are done. That old myth of the "seven stages of grief" has frustrated and disappointed me year after year. If the stages were a reality, life for the grieving would be so much easier. My husband passed away seven years ago this week and the parade of emotions are surfacing and making my days and nights longer and my patience shorter. As well as the fear of bursting into tears for no reason. So how does a friend, family member, or co-worker help a grieving person?

Now I am not an expert on grief therapy, I cannot and will not measure my grief to anyone else. Everyone experiences loss at different pain levels. It should never be a pain or grief contest. If you ask me about my loss, I will tell you what I am willing to share. If you want to tell me about your loss I will listen. I will not judge, I will offer my deepest sympathy and tell you the steps I took to get beyond the first few years, but I will not expect you to follow in my shoes.

It took me over five years to realize I was stuck in a grief cycle that was making me unhealthy and scaring my family and friends. The feeling of grief becomes a comfort and it takes hold and keeps you there. It isn't something you can see or remove, it just happens. And many don't understand so they leave you alone to find your way out. Time is an enemy to the griever because it takes them further away from the last time their loved one was alive. Yet it is also a lifesaver because time eventually it makes you realize you have put your life on hold for a memory.

Most grievers want to be alone to deal with their emotions, which is perfectly acceptable if the time alone does not last days, months, or years. If you have someone in your life that is dealing with grief and you are concerned, try to give them their space but also make sure to keep in touch. Call often, send messages, send invitations for meals, movies, and even a day of shopping or just to sit in the park.

On the day of the anniversary acknowledge that day to the griever. Tell them you are thinking of them, send flowers or a card with a positive note in it. Don't shy away from them. They need to grieve. However, they also need to be pulled out of it and get back to living.

What is the time measurement for helping a person back to moving forward after a loss? I have no idea. It depends on the person and the life they shared together. I don't think it matters how they died only that they are gone. Let the griever talk about their life with their loved one. Share your memories of them, but most of all start making new memories so they can see that life is moving forward with them.

Most importantly help the griever understand that grief is a normal emotion and their life is important. Help the griever find ways to take care of them self. Offer avenues of support like a group or a therapist. Understand that there will be times when the griever will be unpredictable and make some poor choices. But most of all, don't wait for them to come to you. It won't happen, because the stigma of grief has always been the shroud of black and loneliness.