Today’s divorce rate is alarming. Marriage seems to be as disposable as Kleenex tissues. Most people would have a hard time naming a long-term relationship they admire and part of me is completely terrified of the idea of spending my life with just one person; especially if there is a real chance that it will not work out. The idea of falling in love with the wrong person, believing they are the right person, starting a family, and then dealing with the impact of being completely wrong about everything absolutely terrifies me. I’ve watched relatives, friends' parents, my parent’s friends, and even celebrities put in that exact position and I’ve seen the fall-out it causes.
But when I turn the other way, I look at one of, if not the most, successful love stories I have had the pleasure of witnessing -- my grandparents.
One St. Patrick's Day, a blind date was arranged for my (now) grandparents and their two friends at the Yale Club in New York City. There was a snowstorm the night before, but they went anyway. They wound up at a different place because the Yale Club was closed. While the two couples were on the date, my grandma actually paid more attention to the other guy than my grandpa. Not a great start! Fortunately, this did not discourage him and he called her afterwards, wanting to take her to dinner at an upscale restaurant. The restaurant had a fire and it was closed (clearly, they had quite a rocky beginning when it came to dates).
Somehow, they began dating. Soon another obstacle came along. My grandpa was called by the army for the draft and required to train to become a soldier. They saw each other every so often, but wrote to each other all the time. They argued and laughed over letters, but got to know each other over their correspondence. After two years, my grandpa proposed, but Grandma said, "Let's wait" the first time. Eventually, she said "yes!"
My grandparents have been married for 58 years now. Yes -- you read that correctly. For 58 years, they have been devoted to each other, loving each other, taking care of one other, and fighting for each other. They’ve weathered bad times and celebrated the good. Through it all, they have been partners and best friends.
I touched on it a bit before, but like so many, I have been tempted to give up on the idea of love. I’ve had my fair share of failed relationships. Someone lied. Someone cheated. Someone didn't fall in love with me or I didn't fall in love with them. Maybe I just couldn't see myself with them. It seemed like one wrong thing happened after another and I believed it was easier to just shut down and pretend like real love didn't exist -- ever.
Spoiler alert: It exists, people! My grandparents are proof of it; true, unconditional, real, everlasting love.
Just like most things in this world, their marriage is not perfect, but they do each put in ample effort. My grandfather is one of the most, if not the most, generous people I know. He would do anything for my grandmother, without second thought.
To my grandfather, "She was a very attractive woman, inside and out. We had common interests. She was intelligent. She loved music. It was just clear to me." He added that “We are all capable of loving someone. I think that there are far more distractions and temptations nowadays."
His greatest piece of advice was, "Never go to sleep at night mad at each other. Try to reach a peaceful conclusion in an argument. There will be differences, but your love should carry you through. You have to give 100 percent of yourself."
My grandma is one of the most understanding and loving people that I know. She always knows what to say to make me feel better or help me find clarity in tough situations.
She swears that the reason she fell in love with Grandpa is because, "He was very sensitive and had a terrific sense of humor that complimented mine." Laughter has been part of the glue that has held them together.
"Communication and commitment are essential,” she says. "There are times when we think it's not going to go so well, but you made that commitment. Take responsibility for it and for yourself."
When asked to reflect upon what is so different between her generation and mine, she replied, "Sexual experience. People have sex, not because they are in love, but because of social pressure and to experiment. That's not to say that this generation is immoral, but that they are living in a generation where the media is telling you, 'It's OK.'"
So, why is this kind of love so hard to find nowadays? What have we lost touch with?
Maybe because, as my grandmother touched on, society and the media have twisted and distorted the true meaning of loving someone. We have gotten caught up in looking for a feeling, an excitement, a pounding heart -- that it overtakes our clarity.
Or maybe, it's just because we are settling. Settling for what’s considered to be “good enough” in our own personal dictionary, compared to what’s actually best for us.
I am not sure anybody gives much thought anymore to what love is supposed to be, how we are supposed to handle it, and what it means to truly stand by and fight for the person we love. Instead, we have been so consumed by the media and societal approvals that tell us that if the thrill is gone, giving up and moving on by being with someone else is “OK.” We have accepted what society has defined as “good enough” rather than waiting to find someone we know is best for us long-term. If someone asked me what I admired about the last few people I’ve date, I’d have a hard time telling them. Like other people I know, I have settled for someone I think is best for me -- in that moment in time.
We have instant access to news from across the world. We have apps that allow us to buy things on the spot and pay bills with the tap of a finger. We have cars that park themselves. Direct TV provides 300 or more options. We can have our groceries delivered to our door. We live in a time of ultimate convenience and instantaneous happiness. Work at a relationship? Take time to find the right person? It all seems like a lot of effort.
Since when is effort a bad thing though? We have turned effort into a chore. Love has become hard labor for some of us and that's not it's intention. So, when do we take a step back and look at the bigger picture? When do we take a step back and realize that we shouldn't be settling for "good enough" or for something that takes the least amount of effort possible?
