10 Things You Learn From Going Back To A Toxic Relationship

10 Things You Learn From Going Back To A Toxic Relationship

Change doesn't just magically happen overnight.

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Trust me, I know the feeling when you start talking to an ex-significant other again and it *feels* like the magic is still there. So you give it another try and you realize that absolutely nothing has changed and you need to get out as fast as possible.

1. Actions speak louder than words.

Someone can say the right things all that they want, but at the end of the day it's how they treat you and what they do to show you they mean their words that matters. I know how hard it is to look past what they text you, but all in all you need to remember that if they truly cared they would treat you better.

2. Maybe not everyone deserves a second chance.

Sure, some people are capable of change. However, unfortunately, many people are going to tell you what you want to hear and then they won't make the changes. Be careful when deciding who to let back in your life and who to stay away from; some people are truly incapable of changing.

3. If they were going to treat you right, they would have done so the first time.

As hard as it is to hear this, it's true. Someone is going to treat you right from the start if they want to be with you. They'll show you that they want to be with you, and they would try their hardest not to lose you.

4. If you have to repeatedly ask for someone to make time for you, they're not the one.

If someone wants to see you then they're going to make time for you. End of story. If you have to ask someone over and over what they're doing and if they have time for you, then they are not good for you at all. This goes back to the fact that actions speak louder than words. Someone can tell you how much they want to see you, but if they don't end up seeing you it doesn't really mean anything.

5. The actions that ruined the relationship in the first place are still going to be there.

As much as you can say that you're starting with a clean slate, the past is always going to be there in the back of your mind. If they cheated on you in the past, you're always going to worry that they're cheating on you again. It's unavoidable.

6. You'll fall back into old habits quickly.

Although the first few days or even weeks may feel great, it's the 'honeymoon' phase. You're getting used to each other again and trying extra hard to make the other person happy. However, one small slip up and you're in an argument. One argument turns into a week long fight which leaves both people unhappy.

7. It's going to be twice as hard to walk away.

Of course you walked away the first time and you instantly felt better, but somehow you let this person back into your life again. This time, you wanted it to work twice as much as you did the first time because you've already felt the pain of the loss once before. So in turn, it's going to be even harder to walk away this time.

8. Your friends are going to question your decisions.

Your friends were there for you the first time and they're still here for you now, so they watched you suffer through the breakup the first time and now they're wondering what in the world you were thinking. Although they'll support you, you'll know that they don't agree with you going back to a toxic relationship because no one wants their friends to be in an unhappy situation.

9. There's a lot that's happened that you don't know about.

No matter how much time has passed, you've missed a portion of each other's lives. You're going to be missing pieces of their life which won't make you feel too great. Some stuff will remain a secret and other stuff you won't like. At the end of the day, it's still a toxic situation.

10. It wasn't worth it.

A toxic relationship is always going to be a toxic relationship. The flaws and problems are always going to be there whether they're present or in the back of your mind. It's the unfortunate truth, but it's just a bunch of heartbreak for nothing.

Focus on building healthy relationships with new people. It's unlikely that a former toxic relationship is going to be able to make such a drastic change into a healthy relationship. It's too much of a strain on your emotions to put yourself through that for a second or maybe even a third time. It's time to move on and be happy.

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Flowers Don't Make Up For Everything

You should have a warning sign on your back.

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I still remember standing there in my blue and silver sparkly dress.

People asked me where you went; I said you needed to leave early. I truly believed that you needed to.

A boy came up to me and asked me to dance, so I said yes, seeing no harm in it.

Before I knew it, he began to grab my butt and grind on me in the middle of the dance floor. I did not know what to do; I froze until the music ended and then left homecoming, alone and ashamed and guilty.

It turns out that, while I was being violated at the homecoming dance you were apparently my date for, you were off partying with your friends and the girl who you claimed you no longer had feelings for you.

How did I end up being the one apologizing?

It took me years to realize the mind games and the emotional abuse that you put me through.

Years to see that I did not deserve any of it.

Years to realize that it is okay to believe in myself.

Years to understand that I am worthy of love.

I still remember being in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee with my family.

We were having a great first day there -- Ripley's Believe It Or Not, Dick's Last Resort, etc. etc. etc. etc.

And then you texted me that you would not talk to me the whole week.

No explanation, just radio silence.

I cried at more tour stops in Tennessee than probably anyone ever.

And then I came home and you convinced me that whatever it was that happened was partially my fault.

That you would give me, give us, another chance.

Oh, I am so grateful

You told me you wanted to marry me.

Why so you could continually drag my self-confidence down the drain for the rest of my life?

Flowers do not make up for everything.

Club volleyball tryouts.

You knew I had them; you knew I was so nervous.

Radio silence. All day. Your specialty.

Making sure the only thing I had on my mind was you.

You were obsessed with drama.

You thrived off of it.

I got my SAT score back and was thrilled.

The guidance counselor told me that I should send them to my dream school right then.

"Ahhh well [your score] isn't bad, obvi you have to bring it up to get into [ your dream school] and all them."

No thanks to your extreme support, I was accepted into the honors college at that school.

And I did not even go there because I got a full tuition scholarship to another university.

A full tuition scholarship.

I guess you were wrong when you said I was not good enough, not smart enough.

I feel bad for the other girls who have fallen under your spell.

You should have a warning sign on your back.

You went to a party at a friend's house.

And then you expected me to feel bad for you for sleeping in the same bed as a guy and two girls.

I did not feel bad.

I was sad. I was mad. I was hurt. I was jealous.

Why did I still stay?

You tried to cause me permanent damage.

Too bad I am stronger than you.

I only hope that you get better.

I only hope that you do not continue this pattern.

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How College Changed My Relationships

Living three and a half hours home isn't always easy, a lot has changed.

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At eighteen years old I was still young and naive about leaving home. Athens, Ohio was going to be this wonderful place where I always had a good time and I would be unstoppable. Literally, unstoppable. How could anyone tell me what to do in my own dorm? That was my space... DUH. I have family in both Pennsylvania and Michigan so going to school seemed like no big deal to me. My mom and dad always packed us in the car to see family, to me three and a half hours didn't seem too far. Along with changes within myself, many personal relationships changed as well over the course of this year.

Mom, my number one fan and my gossip buddy was hours away from me! Of course, we talk on the phone, shoot each other texts and silly screenshots, but it's not the same. It can be difficult to maintain that "close as can be" relationship over the phone. I wouldn't consider myself to have gotten homesick until very far into the semester. There is nothing like your mom taking care of you when you're sick! Our time apart has only made our time spent together more special, our laughs a little louder, and our hugs a little tighter.

Ryan, leaving your BEST FRIEND behind made making new friends a little awkward. I felt like I was cheating on our friendship, we literally have tattoos for each other and now we have to make new best friends?!?! Our contact with each other would decrease and pick back up when one of us had something juicy to talk about. She was busy with school and soccer, and I with school and friends here. At the end of the day, we always knew we had each other back through thick and thin, that's how best friends are. We could understand that every minute we had couldn't be spent on the phone finding out what was going on hours away. I have to tell you though, there are always a few tears saying see you soon when we head back to school.

Tyler, going into college in a relationship was definitely a difficult road ahead for the two of us, but we cared enough for each other to take on that road together. The first ten months of our relationship were spent within 20 minutes of each other and most of those ten months we were by each other's side. By no means was it easy to not see you every day when had the freedom to do so over summer. As the months passed, times got easier and harder and we are still figuring out how to make the distance work. It's a whole different level of effort with a significant other. I hope for better and easier times, only the happiest future.

God, coming to school I wanted to reconnect with God and become more spiritual. I had looked at some options on campus but didn't make the time needed for the one person I should have. I regret this decision the most, which I rarely regret in life. College feels like I'm moving 100 miles an hour and I can't catch a break. There is a heavyweight I cannot lift on my own and the only guidance I can ask for at this moment is yours. I know that my change in relationship with you is the answer.

At the end of the day, I'm thankful for all this year has brought me. With summer coming I hope to spend quality time with those I love and let them know how much I appreciate them.

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