10 Things You Learn From Going Back To A Toxic Relationship

10 Things You Learn From Going Back To A Toxic Relationship

Change doesn't just magically happen overnight.

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Trust me, I know the feeling when you start talking to an ex-significant other again and it *feels* like the magic is still there. So you give it another try and you realize that absolutely nothing has changed and you need to get out as fast as possible.

1. Actions speak louder than words.

Someone can say the right things all that they want, but at the end of the day it's how they treat you and what they do to show you they mean their words that matters. I know how hard it is to look past what they text you, but all in all you need to remember that if they truly cared they would treat you better.

2. Maybe not everyone deserves a second chance.

Sure, some people are capable of change. However, unfortunately, many people are going to tell you what you want to hear and then they won't make the changes. Be careful when deciding who to let back in your life and who to stay away from; some people are truly incapable of changing.

3. If they were going to treat you right, they would have done so the first time.

As hard as it is to hear this, it's true. Someone is going to treat you right from the start if they want to be with you. They'll show you that they want to be with you, and they would try their hardest not to lose you.

4. If you have to repeatedly ask for someone to make time for you, they're not the one.

If someone wants to see you then they're going to make time for you. End of story. If you have to ask someone over and over what they're doing and if they have time for you, then they are not good for you at all. This goes back to the fact that actions speak louder than words. Someone can tell you how much they want to see you, but if they don't end up seeing you it doesn't really mean anything.

5. The actions that ruined the relationship in the first place are still going to be there.

As much as you can say that you're starting with a clean slate, the past is always going to be there in the back of your mind. If they cheated on you in the past, you're always going to worry that they're cheating on you again. It's unavoidable.

6. You'll fall back into old habits quickly.

Although the first few days or even weeks may feel great, it's the 'honeymoon' phase. You're getting used to each other again and trying extra hard to make the other person happy. However, one small slip up and you're in an argument. One argument turns into a week long fight which leaves both people unhappy.

7. It's going to be twice as hard to walk away.

Of course you walked away the first time and you instantly felt better, but somehow you let this person back into your life again. This time, you wanted it to work twice as much as you did the first time because you've already felt the pain of the loss once before. So in turn, it's going to be even harder to walk away this time.

8. Your friends are going to question your decisions.

Your friends were there for you the first time and they're still here for you now, so they watched you suffer through the breakup the first time and now they're wondering what in the world you were thinking. Although they'll support you, you'll know that they don't agree with you going back to a toxic relationship because no one wants their friends to be in an unhappy situation.

9. There's a lot that's happened that you don't know about.

No matter how much time has passed, you've missed a portion of each other's lives. You're going to be missing pieces of their life which won't make you feel too great. Some stuff will remain a secret and other stuff you won't like. At the end of the day, it's still a toxic situation.

10. It wasn't worth it.

A toxic relationship is always going to be a toxic relationship. The flaws and problems are always going to be there whether they're present or in the back of your mind. It's the unfortunate truth, but it's just a bunch of heartbreak for nothing.

Focus on building healthy relationships with new people. It's unlikely that a former toxic relationship is going to be able to make such a drastic change into a healthy relationship. It's too much of a strain on your emotions to put yourself through that for a second or maybe even a third time. It's time to move on and be happy.

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Stop Saying 'Love Is Love' And Then Shame Me For Dating A Republican

"How can you date a Republican?!" Quite easily, actually.

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"And love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love is love." Other theater geeks like me probably also remember this quote from Lin-Manuel Miranda's Tony acceptance speech in 2016. Now, thanks to Lin-Manuel and his talent for catchy phrases, every time someone says "love is love," all I can think of is Lin-Manuel's emphatic cry for equality.

This cry is one that I support wholeheartedly. I think that you should be allowed to love whomever you choose and that you should do so without fear of hatred or scrutiny. If you are a guy who loves guys, great. If you are a girl who loves girls, great. If you are a girl who loves guys and girls, great. You are born a certain way with certain sexual preferences, and there is nothing wrong with that.

However, if you believe that people should be free to love anyone they choose, then, honey, you better start looking past gender.

Let me tell you a little story.

Recently, I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about my boyfriend of almost 11 months. Somehow (and I'm shocked that this hadn't come up before), my boyfriend's political preferences became the topic of conversation.

The conversation went something like this:

"Wait, so is Tom a Democrat or Republican?"

"He's a Republican."

"WHAT?! Are you serious?"

"Yep."

"How can you date a Republican?"

After that, I basically went on a five-minute rant about how at the end of the day, his political preferences only make up a small fraction of who he is as a person and that I am not so shallow that I would be deterred by something this trivial.

At our cores, Tom and I value the exact same things: compassion, knowledge, kindness, dedication, honesty, respect, and above all else, love. Tom loves me unconditionally and I give him that same love in return; honestly, what else could I ask for?

Tom and I do get in some political arguments from time to time, but we also agree on those issues that are most important to me: female reproductive rights, marriage equality, and support for survivors of sexual assault. All of those things are non-negotiables for me, and Tom understands that and possesses his own list of non-negotiables.

Before you ask, yep, he voted for Trump. Did that take me back at first? Yes. Did I struggle to understand what would compel a person to vote for him? Absolutely. Did that thought kind of terrify me at first? Hell yes.

But you know what? After I just sat and listened to Tom's reasoning as to why he voted for him and watched him delve deep into Trump's policies, I could understand why some would vote for him. And to tell the truth, once I fell in love with Tom, none of that mattered anymore. And what is sad is that people so often fall so deep into their own echo chambers nowadays, that they wouldn't even give someone with different beliefs their ear. Well, I'm damn glad I did because Tom is the most amazing person I've ever met and I fall more in love with him every day.

So to tie this all together with a pretty little bow, if you're going to go around and preach that love is love and that everyone should be free to love whom they choose, then that shouldn't change for me. Maybe you're a Democrat that would never date a Republican or maybe you're a Republican who would never date a Democrat; that's your choice. But we don't get to choose who we fall in love with (much to the dismay of my liberal family and friends). Just keep an open mind and who knows? Maybe you could find some absolutely epic happiness.

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Stop Making Me Feel Sorry About My Relationship

How can anyone be bothered by someone else's happiness?

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The most difficult part of being in a relationship is finding people who are content with my relationship. Yes, I have no obligation to validate my relationship with anyone. But, after almost two years of being with my boyfriend, I've noticed some reactions others have to my relationship that just rub the wrong way.

Dating my best friend has been one of the coolest experiences I've had so far in life, but it's led to weird feelings in the process. The biggest one is being conscious of how my relationship affects other people.

I admit, sometimes relationships can be overbearing. Couples can seem annoying or it can feel suffocating being around them. On the other hand, how can anyone be bothered by someone else's happiness? My boyfriend and I are around each other a lot- we're comfortable like that. We enjoy doing activities together and share the same hobbies, so you're bound to see us together often.

That is to say, we're not trying to rub it in your face. We don't purposely meet up with each other scheming to make everyone feel bad that they're not in our relationship. Anyone who does is probably just a mean person you shouldn't be friends with. In reality, we're just a couple who enjoys being around each other, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Nowadays, I feel there's an unspoken discomfort with seeing young couples. It's weird to see two people under the age of thirty seem serious about their relationship. I had my own fears about that when I first got with my boyfriend, but it's something I had to get over.

I learned a long time ago that I can't expect anyone to love me if I don't love myself and, over many conversations and a lot of pep talks with myself, I began to trust someone else to be in my life.

A lot of people go into relationships expecting it to fail. They expect there to be something wrong or a hidden secret they're bound to find months into a relationship instead of going into it hoping for the best. We were raised this way seeing the rates of divorce steadily rise over the years and watching cheating be more of a trend than a special case deal. While we need to recognize that those are two possibilities in a relationship, there can always be a happy ending instead of a bad one.

No, relationships are not perfect. What's great about relationships is having someone to hype you up when you don't see the best parts of yourself. When things get bad, it's nice to have someone to lean on who knows your good and bad parts. Relationships are not guaranteed, but when you get into one, just enjoy it. Support couples that you see and don't have ill feelings towards them if they're just enjoying their lives together.

Learn to thrive off each other's happiness. You don't gain anything from being mad at anyone's relationship, especially when their relationship doesn't affect you at the end of the day.

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