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God Takes Tim Tebow For Number 1 Draft Pick in Fantasy Football

Aug 30, 2015

University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign

God Takes Tim Tebow For Number 1 Draft Pick in Fantasy Football

"Tim Tebow Tebowing" by Ed Clemente Photography / Wiki Commons

With the upcoming NFL season approaching, God has shocked the fantasy football world by taking Tim Tebow with the number 1 draft pick.

Tebow, who has often been ridiculed for his very outspoken faith and for his throws being less of a spiral and more like a kamikaze duck, says that he is honored to play for his idol, and is determined to prove to God that he is in fact, left handed.

In what could be the greatest Father-son NFL duo since the Manning brothers and their dad did that one commercial to show that their helmets can indeed fit over their massive foreheads, God is confident that His number one pick will take Him to the promise land.

“I have all the confidence in the world in Timothy,” said God as He worked on his upcoming novel, The Book of Tebow. “Sure, I might have given him a faulty left arm when he was in the factory, but god damn me if he doesn’t have the most heart you’ve ever seen.”

However, with Tebow sitting fourth in the depth chart behind quarterbacks Sam Bradford, Mark “the butt fumble” Sanchez, Matt Barkley and an actual live eagle, Tebow will struggle to get playing time, let alone make the roster.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry too much about that,” said God, while calling Zeus to ask him to take care of a few things for Him.

God’s fantasy team, the Charles Darwinners, will take on Gandhi’s team, Too Sexy for My Shirt, in week 1 of the season. See league members and their teams below.

God: Charles Darwinners

Gandhi: Too Sexy for My Shirt

Satan: OJ is my boy

Abraham Lincoln: 4 Score and 7 beers ago

JFK: #f*ckdallas

Michael Jackson: Macaulay Culkin Fan Club

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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25 reasons your last semester in college is the best and worst time of your life

"The Office" understands the struggle of the first week back from winter break.

1. Waking up for your first 9:00 a.m. class of the semester.

2. When you remember you have to walk in the freezing cold to your classes.

3. Feeling overly confident in your academic abilities on the first day of classes.

4. Walking into your first class and seeing friends from your major.

5. That moment when you open the syllabus packet to see what possible pain lies ahead.

6. You resent the professors that keep you for the whole class time on the first day.

7. When professors tell you too much about their personal lives on the first day of class.

8. When your professor tries to explain the benchmark assignment to the class.

9. Finding out the final exam in a class will be comprehensive.

10. When you're done with classes for the day and you finally get to take a nap.

11. Finding out a required textbook is out of stock at the bookstore.

12. When you're broke after buying your textbooks for the semester.

13. When you realize that you really need to start getting PATH points...

14. Impatiently waiting for all of your classes to be up on Isidore.

14. The realization that this semester will be harder than you anticipated...

15. Getting overly excited for going out on the first weekend back from break.

Each Disney Princess has their own personality, and chances are you've got a friend in your group to match it.

Cinderella, “The Clean Freak”

Snow White, “The Friendly One”

Belle, “The Studious One”

Mulan, “The Fighter”

Pocahontas, “The Peace Keeper”

Sleeping Beauty, “The Sleepy One”

Rapunzel, “The Sheltered One”

Tiana, “The Independent One”

Ariel, “The One Who Is Shy Around Men”

Elsa, “The Mom”

Anna, “The Impulsive One”

Say yes to new adventures!

It's full of opportunities to learn more things.

It's one of the easiest times to make friends.

It helps you learn how to think critically.

You get to focus on what you want to study.

Class is minutes away from your dorm.

. . . and the library

You won't be judged for going to class in your PJ's

You will truly create yourself.

If you are an ISU student, you will come across most of these things during your time on campus.

1. The wait for Buffalo Wild Wings is always going to be long on Thursday nights.

2. Another inevitable wait — the line at The Pub II on Wednesdays.

3. Your feet will automatically stick to the floor at Chasers.

4. The only place busier than The Alamo II during finals week for book returns is Chipotle on Halloween.

5. The. Train. Never. Stops. Choo-chooing.

6. The wind tunnel never gets better, and you never get used to it.

7. Your friends are either from a suburb of Chicago or a small town in Illinois — there is rarely an in between.

8. You know and probably love a bearded man named Bill Shields.

9. The squirrels on the quad double as our second mascot and wannabe pets.

10. The only time you really find yourself at the library is for a group project or during finals preparation.

11. You can spot a freshman a mile away if they have on their Fear The Bird shirt along with a lanyard around their neck.

12. The Normal Police Department has collected $275 from you.

13. Last, but not least, is that you just don't know what you would've done if you went anywhere else.

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