I’ve struggled with confidence for as long as I can remember.
I just never wanted to seem overly sure of myself, which can sometimes come across as bragging. To prevent this from happening, I decided to focus on being humble, and I’ve been downplaying compliments and doubting myself ever since. While I am relieved that I never was one to point out to others how great I was at memorizing multiplication tables or landing a perfect pirouette, I do think I could have learned something from the kids with confidence: they always believed in themselves, which is something I could never seem to do.
Lately, I have been very aware of the very small amount of faith I have in my abilities. I am currently a junior on the Pre-Med track. Time is moving very quickly; soon I will be signing up for an MCAT prep course and choosing a testing date. I have only a handful of prerequisite courses to complete. I’ve bought the complete set of practice books, and I even lugged some across the Atlantic Ocean to review during my semester abroad. I should be proud of how far I’ve come. I’ve worked so hard. I survived Organic Chemistry and Physics, for starters. I’ve possessed the willpower to down nights out with friends for extra review sessions for difficult exams. I’ve sought out hospital volunteering projects and research internships for the experience. I know some many people who have given up on their goals of attending medical school, while I am still in the game.
Yet, here I am, feeling my heart beat a little bit faster as I discuss the topic of medical school. I never had a doubt in my mind that I would finish high school. While I wasn’t sure where I would be attending college, I knew that my diligence in high school would lead me to a campus somewhere. Medical school, though, is a whole different ballgame. It seems that every presentation I go to is scarier than the next. The numbers of applicants vs. the size of the admitted class is frightening. I’m not quite sure if I can do it.
Still, I know that going to medical school is something I have to pursue. No other career field interests me as much. I find so much joy in taking care others. While shadowing doctors this summer, I noticed just how perfectly content I felt. Everyone says that when you find your perfect college, you just know. When you’ve tried on your future wedding dress, you can feel it. I’ve finally admitted to myself that I have to try to continue on this pre-med route, or else I will always feel like the student who is unsure if he should transfer, or the bride staring at herself in the mirror, trying to hide her regret that she didn’t buy the gown with the beautiful embroidery.
I’ve been trying to boost my confidence for the past few weeks. Unfortunately, I can’t just flip a switch and change who I am, but I am trying to slowly but surely find the strength to believe in myself. Here is what I’ve been working on:
Sorry not sorry.
I. Apologize. All. The. Time. If I can’t hear someone because they are speaking too softly in a loud room? “Sorry, I can’t seem to hear anyone today!” If someone disagrees with my perfectly valid point of view? “Oh, you’re probably right. Sorry for bringing that up!” If I’m unintentionally blocking an aisle in Carrefour while trying to find the expiration date of the frozen mini quiches? “Oh, je suis desolée” (which, you guessed it, translates to I’m sorry!)
I do this CONSTANTLY! I think I’m just trying to avoid confrontations, but IT NEEDS TO STOP. If I’ve hurt someone’s feelings, I don’t mind owning up to what I’ve done. However, I have really been making an effort to stop apologizing unnecessarily. (I am trying to figure out how I can condition myself to stop, like how Sheldon tried to condition Penny in The Big Bang Theory with chocolate.)
I am human. I make mistakes. Sometimes, I may have the wrong information. Or sometimes, I may not agree with what someone else is saying. That doesn’t mean I need to write a sincere apology letter.
Remember
Ever since I was a little girl, I have been told by my friends and family that I have a great memory. Yet, for some reason, I can never seem to remember all of the times I have succeeded in the past. I may have gotten scholarships, found summer jobs, and effectively communicated with someone in a language other than English, but as soon as I am faced with my next challenge, all of these examples drift away.
The fact is, I have overcome obstacles in the past that at the time seemed like the most difficult problem in the world. As I’ve gotten older, the things I’ve had to face have been more complicated, but that doesn’t mean I am ill-equipped to face what the world throws at me. I just need to “Think, think think” like Jimmy Neutron, and I’ll be reminded of what I’ve done in the past.
“If I can do this…
I can do anything.” I’ve started thinking this mantra to myself whenever I am feeling doubtful. And you know what, it works! It’s very simple, but sometimes it is just enough inspiration to give me a boost of confidence.
No one likes to be around a person who is very extremely smug, but at the same time, it can be exhausting to be around someone who always needs reassurance that they are capable in their abilities. Through these three small steps, I’ve started to notice small changes in my mindset. I’m sure there are better tips out there, and I would love to hear how others convince themselves that they are in fact capable of success. Until then, I will keep on doing what I’m doing. No apologies allowed.
