Throughout my life, there have been tones of abandonment and betrayal in many experiences. Anyone who has experienced the emotions that come with these know that your heart does not bounce back like rubber too easily. Generally, you may dabble in hatred, fear, anger, mistrust and regret before moving on to love and forgiveness. So what does this process look like and how long should it take?
Well the good, and bad, news is that both of the answers to those questions vary from person to person and situation to situation. For me, I first realized that I needed to forgive myself because, after I was betrayed, I did not blame anyone more than I blamed myself. My self-forgiving process has looked a lot like this:
Fear.
You never expect it until suddenly it is there staring you in the face, then you do not know what to do. You have rehearsed your lines, felt every emotion on the scale, held your breath til you are blue in the face and walked on eggshells until every little noise made your heart stop. Then suddenly it stops you dead in your tracks. You thought you were prepared or you thought you had more time.
Anxiety.
It creeps in, like a deadly virus. It starts with just one cell and then reproduces and replicates until your whole body is infected and there is no cure. The symptoms? Increased heart rate. Increased worry. Increased shame. Decreased self-esteem. Decreased peace. Tremors. The inability to explain how you feel. The tendency to just start crying or to throw up from the surge racing through your veins, pumping your heart faster and faster and faster, feeling it in your stomach, in your neck, in your head, in your hands, until you feel you may explode into a million tiny pieces and no one will be there to pick you up.
Depression.
Here is where you fall. Anxiety has built this tall tower you frantically scaled all the way to the top, breathless you realize there is nothing more up there for you than to just jump.
Falling down, a slow process where you cannot even tell how long this will last or if it ever will or why you jumped in the first place. Tears are flowing but no one seems to be around to even see them or notice you. You feel alone in this freefall. You feel weightless, almost lifeless. What is the use anyway? It does not feel like living, so why live? You do not know if this will ever cease anyway, so you may as well force it to. After all, it is better to know than to be constantly awaiting the unknown.
Control.
You. Have. To. Get. This. Right.
You will be a disappointment if you cannot make this work. It is your life, do something. Why has it fallen to shambles? Because you did not have control, it got all screwed up and now you have to figure it out. Come on. What are you waiting for? Let's go. Have you figured it out yet? What is the solution? Do you want to fail? Do you want to succeed? You have to make the choice. Your life is this way because you allowed it to get to this place. You are in charge, aren't you?
Doubt.
You can't do this. Why did you even try in the first place? You had a bad feeling about it, you should have known better. We all knew you could not get this to work. You are wasting your time.
Don't bother. No really, don't. We don't care anyway.
Letting Go.
I release all condemnations. I release all insecurities, all impossible standards, all excuses. I leave behind the bad and treasure the good. I value myself, mistakes and all... because it all makes me who I am. I am free of
fear. anxiety. depression. control. doubt.
I am letting go.
