Football's return has been long anticipated by many of your fellow Americans. Every year around this time, people gather around on the weekends to watch as their favorite team competes for a chance at the title of whatever division they are in whether it’s NCAA, high school or the NFL. However, what many people don’t seem to realize is that football has several things in common with one of humanity's top three favorite pastimes. No, it is not eating or drinking or our apparent insatiable appetite for bloodletting. No, I’m talking about sex, getting lucky, scoring, the birds and the bees...you get it. So without further ado, here are a few things football and sex have in common.
1. They are both games of inches.
Face it, some of the greatest plays in football are the ones where it’s 4th down and inches. Your team goes for it and makes their attempt to gain just a bit more to keep their drive going and score. Like football, sex is a game of inches. I know I have heard the phrase “it’s not the size it’s how you use it,” but from what I’ve been told, a big key to scoring depends on how many inches the guy has. So like football, if you’re short by an inch or two you’re probably not going to score.
2. It’s about going deep.
Everyone knows you gotta get the ball in the end zone if you want to score in a game of football. Sometimes that means you have to go and make the deep plays passing or running. Sex is exactly the same thing, except you gotta go deep the whole time and that goes for both sexes. If you are not going deep enough then chances are your partner or partners, if you are into that, are not having a good time.
3. Disappointment.
Remember during Super Bowl XLII when everyone was expecting the Patriots to go 19-0, though inwardly, a lot of us wanted the Giants to win? Yeah there were a lot of jaded Patriots fans that day, and they were disappointed that their team lost. Well like Patriots fans in 2007, there are a lot of people that have had unsatisfying sex, including me. Now you may be thinking "not me, my sex is amazing." Well I hate to break it to you, but one or every person you have done it with was probably kind enough not to say it to your face. This brings me to my next point!
4. Blowing it at the last minute.
We’ve all seen those games where your team is ahead and all they have to do is run the clock out. Then, whether it is because they let the second string defense play or their opponent plays their game right, they end up blowing it in the last few minutes or even seconds of the game, thus losing a win. Sex too has its form of blowing it at the last minute, except in some circumstances it can be good. For instance, going off too early, is definitely bad, but on the other hand, finishing after good length of time almost always leaves both parties satisfied. So that leaves us with my final similarity which is
5. They both have fantasy versions of it.
Love it or hate it, fantasy football exist and the advent of the internet has made this side show of the real thing more widespread. You create your team and you watch your fantasy achieve victory or utter failure depending on the breaks. So now, you are probably asking yourself, "wait, there are fantasy versions of sex?" Have you ever heard of porn? I mean come on, there is no way a plumber or that pizza delivery guy is ever going to look that doable. Just come to terms that you probably just watched the fantasy of or for some desperate housewife that somehow managed to land the gig of being on a porno’s storyboard. That’s right, you probably watched the steamy romance flick of a lady old enough to be your mother, so just let that sink in.
