Do you ever wake up in the morning, go to the bathroom, and just look yourself in the mirror, standing there in absence? Of course, you might do this because you are still half-asleep, and you regret putting that 8-9 am class in your schedule. I, however, do it because there is a part of my brain that is wide awake in the morning that immediately makes me want to go back to bed and hide forever. It is that part of my thoughts that insults the ache on my face, my uneven brows, my wide-set nose, my small eyelashes, and my double chin. It tells me to look at myself fully and pinpoint all of the things I hate about myself. "You know you hate those chubby arms of yours." "What is up with that body ache on your chest and back?" "Look at those muffin top!" "Can your backside get any bigger?" "Thunder thighs are not attractive, my friend." I constantly hear this over and over in my head, and it makes me think about the times in my life where I was really insecure about my body and did not love myself.

I was bullied since I was in elementary school and learned that being the big girl as a kid was looked down upon. I would always wonder why everyone was thinner and more athletic than me, and why I was different. I went to a nutritionist who gave me a schedule on what foods to eat and how many times I should snack. I tried to do every sport I can possibly do that would help me exercise. Yet, I was still called "piggy", "fattie", "big blob", and worst of all, "ugly". The day I had to get eyeglasses, that was when the name-calling out worse, for instead of piggy, I became "four-eyed piggy". There would be days where I would hate coming to school because I knew that I would have to suffer people watching me and calling me names behind my back, though I would always hear what they were saying about me. I wanted to lose weight so bad so I didn't have to suffer the bullying anymore, and even though I had a few friends, I still felt like my friends felt pity for me.

Then I moved to Mississippi after Hurricane Katrina happened, and everything got worse after the storm.

I got to have a new start, a new name for myself in my new school. I was almost 11, and by that point, I was already having crushes and I was close to puberty. The names followed me, though, and haunted me. I learned the harsh way that guys did not appreciate bigger girls, and teenage girls are way more brutal than elementary girls. Middle school and high school brought on depression and self-loathe, wanting so hard to just hide away and become invisible. I went through heartbreak when a guy told me he wouldn't date me because I was fat and ugly and black. I heard a little kid laugh and said an earthquake is coming when I was running to my class one day. I also saw people I thought were my friends that same day look at me with sympathy when I told them, but a part of me knew they were thinking the same thing as that kid. I had guys taint with my emotions in high school, saying that they want to date me but then go to their friends and laugh when they saw me, pointing at me. Every day I wanted to cry and scream at the top of my lungs.

Those were the darkest days of my lives. I did not eat a lot, locked myself in my room, and did not go out. I counted my calories non-stop and measure myself on the scale constantly. I would look at girls and compare myself to their bodies. It got to the point where I did not even know how I was anymore because I was trying so hard to be someone else. Even when I went out to have fun, something inside of me would always make sure to remind me that I was not like the other girls, that I did not consider myself as pretty as them. The only time in my high school life where I, for once, thought I was beautiful was my junior year when I went to my prom. I wore a gorgeous black-slimming dress with a slit. I got my hair and nails done, and I felt like for once, I was beautiful. Yet, I was still not satisfied with myself and the way I looked compared to all of the other girls, and it made me realize that even I wasn't good enough for myself.

College was the point where I realized that I can not let my weight affect my life anymore. I wanted to have another new start and forget about my life back home. I wanted, for once, to enjoy my life and care less about what people thought of me. So I began to go working out and eating healthy, telling myself that I am not doing this because I want to be skinny and pretty. I was doing this for myself and to have a healthy lifestyle. I wanted to concentrate on the positive comments and not the negative insults, though that was more challenging than I thought. When I join a sorority, at first, it became a little hard not to compare myself to others, but my sorority sisters made me realize that I am worthy and that I am beautiful, even when I did not feel like I was. Even when I gained my weight back and the negative thoughts came back, I realized that I can't keep concentrating on my weight and focus more on my happiness and my well-being. I couldn't let myself get in the way of my own life and cause myself to hide away from having fun.

So, this is for the girls who do not think they are beautiful and think that if they just lose a few more pounds, they would be perfect. I am here to tell you that you are already perfect. Sometimes we cannot change who we are or our bodies. You were born a certain way so you can make the best of what you have. There are girls who would remain skinny even if they ate two hamburgers and fries, and then there are girls who would eat a small meal and still remain big. That shouldn't mean that either of them isn't as healthy and beautiful as everyone else. We are all beautiful, no matter what shape our bodies are, our facial structures or what size we can fit. We have featured on our bodies that make each and every since of us different, like my wide-set nose, my uneven eyebrows, small eyelashes, and double chin. So if you are struggling with body issues right now, take a deep breath, look yourself in that mirror in the morning, and say to yourself, I am beautiful and perfect the way I am. If you take it slow day by day, before you know it, like me, you would start to learn how to love yourself because everything about you, from your body to your voice, makes you, well, you, and that is a beautiful thing when you realize it.