We've all heard the phrase "everyone's fighting their own battles." We often assume that those demons are internal. If you can't see something, it's easier to brush off. But what happens when the battles are external?
What Do You Mean Internal/External?
By internal battles, I mean battles that do not appear outside, other than in the form of facial expressions or verbal encounters. External battles are battles that physically plague you, preventing you from performing at the same level as everyone else. I'll stop speaking in tongues now, and explain what I mean.
Every day of my life, I'm fighting an external battle. I have a physical disability that literally no one notices anymore, thanks to quite a few extensive surgeries. To keep it short and sweet, I'll summarize the events that caused me to be on the front lines of "Battle Z."
While I was being born, a complication arose. Due to that complication, I suffered an irreversible injury to my left shoulder and arm. I had to undergo the knife many times since then in order to repair and rehabilitate my arm back to functionality. It is still not at 100 percent, but I make it work.
It took me quite a while to be able to speak about this openly. Now that I finally am able to speak on the matter, I can enlighten those in a similar boat as me with a few tips. These tips won't work immediately but their level of relief-bringing qualities work like none other.
Accept the Battle to Conquer the War
I'm sure you've heard that "the first step is admitting you have a problem." For my situation, the first step is accepting. I used to look at my disadvantage as a disability. I never wanted to go to school because I'd have to face school bullies. "You'll never be able to be like them so why waste your time?" I ended up resenting myself from kindergarten up until high school for this reason. It took me a decade and a half to accept myself and realize that this is the hand that I was dealt (pun intended). There is literally nothing more I can do to change the situation, so why wallow in self pity and stunt my growth? It would be far more beneficial for me to place my time and energy into finding new ways to do things. Accepting my condition allowed me to live comfortably in my skin. My skin was where I used to feel like I did not belong. Oh, what a relief it is.
Once you've accepted this battle, you can advance and win the war.
Get Comfortable with Being Asked Questions
Each time I hear "what happened to your arm?" Or, "what's that on your neck?" And even, "Why do you have scars on your legs?" I cringe. The urge to crawl into a shell and cry immediately washes over me. In the past, nothing brought tears to my eyes quicker than those questions. With a knot in my throat, I'd answer "I was born like this." Or, "It's a scar, leave me alone." And, "I had surgery." Each question stacked on top of my heart and eventually formed my anxiety.
Now, every time I'm asked a question, I don't choke up instantly. If I do not feel comfortable answering, which is rarely the case, I simply say, “I don’t feel comfortable answering your question.” Also, I do not apologize. It is my right to decline to answer a question that forces me into an awkward and uncomfortable mental state. Apologizing implies that you have done something wrong, which you haven’t.
But if I am comfortable answering, I take a step back, breathe, smile, then answer. That’s really all there is to it. I don’t dwell it for hours anymore. I just move along and continue what I was doing prior.
Surprise Yourself
Can't hold a bottle of juice with your left hand to open it? Easy. Place the bottle in between your legs and open it with your right hand. Having trouble carrying your book? No problem. Use your left arm as a shelf and nestle the book against your abdomen. This is the way I used to/still do things to this day because my hand does not fully flex or extend.
Have you ever heard of The Little Engine That Could? You'd be amazed with what you're capable of once you accept that you're on a different playing field. After I had the surgery to extend my elbow and open up my hand, life became so much easier. It was also extremely challenging. It was as though I had to start from scratch, like when a baby learns how to walk for the first time. I had gotten so used to using body parts other than my hand to perform basic tasks. It felt foreign using two hands. I literally had to train myself to use both hands. And even though it wasn’t the same exact way that everyone else did it; I was able to complete whatever tasks I needed to. If I couldn’t, I’d ask for help.
Find a Reliable Support System
Even though I didn’t talk about my problems in regards to my condition, I knew I had a support system ready to catch me if I fell. I think that having a support system is important because it will take you longer to get up by yourself. If you have loved ones that are willing and ready to catch you and help you get back on your feet, you will make it. It doesn’t matter if you fall 600 times, with the proper support system you’ll be able to get up 601 times.
Your support system does not necessarily have to be your family members. It can be anyone who uplifts you and promotes positivity and improvement.
(To my support system, thank you. You know who you are.)
Express Yourself
When I discovered my passion for writing, I felt lighter. I felt as though stress was being purged from me and poured into my writing pieces. I was not aware at the time that writing would become my passage to a less stressful life.
Find an outlet for all of that pent up stress or anger that you feel. Take up new hobbies, such as dancing, singing, drawing, writing, filming, anything that makes you feel alive and well, so to speak. Once you discover talents that you never envisioned possessing, life can seem more vibrant than before.
Take it Easy
It's unbelievably easy to get in over yourself once you've fully accepted your condition. You'll start to do things like deny help.
"Do you need help carrying those bags?"
"No, I've got it. Thanks."
"Oh, I can grab that for you!"
"No, thank you. I can manage."
Eventually, you'll overwork yourself. I know I've let my pride get ahead of me and I've denied help. In the end, I only ended up hurting myself. It's okay to accept help, because we all need it sometimes. Don't let your pride get to you because even the strongest people need help sometimes. Taking it easy means that you have matured to some degree and have fully accepted the terms of your condition. This does not mean to be lazy and let everyone do the work for you! You've got to exercise what you have, or else you'll end up losing it. It's better to have something at 75% than to not have it at all.
If You Need Help, Seek It
I maintain that my mental recovery took longer than needed due to my lack of talking about it. I kept how I felt to myself and that was not the best decision to make health wise. I simply felt like I did not have the right to feel anything but blessed. I survived the injury didn't I? So why do I have to keep complaining? Wrong. It's okay to have feelings other than happiness. You're not a robot. You are inclined to possess other feelings. I waited 18 years to talk about my condition with a professional, and while I'm glad I finally did, I'm a bit regretful that I didn't do so sooner. It definitely sped up the recovery process.
Get Ready for The Pity Parties
These parties are not often hosted by you. A majority of the time, you are forced to attend these pity parties. I don’t say this to sound snobby, or ungrateful. I’m glad that you care about me enough to feel bad, but I don’t want you to feel bad, nor do I want you to treat me any different. I would prefer if you only offer to help me if you really would not mind, not because you are now aware of my situation and feel a sense of obligation. I am never going to be able to grow if I’m forever provided a silver spoon in mouth, and a crutch to rest on.
The Follow Up
To those reading this who will encounter this situation in the future, instead of apologizing for what happened to them, as it was not your fault, say something encouraging. I cannot count how many times I’ve heard, “Wow, I didn’t even notice that your arm was messed up!” Haha, thanks? Like, what am I supposed to say to that?
But all jokes aside, be mindful that just because you cannot see the external battle does not mean it is not being fought. A few examples are, “Wow, I didn’t know that. You’ve come a long way.” Or, “You’ve accomplished so much already, keep going!”
I understand that things can get awkward for the other party, especially if they’ve had no prior knowledge of the condition. What I’m saying is that both parties need to be aware and considerate.
My guidelines are not foolproof, as I sometimes find myself feeling inadequate and self-conscious. I’m still in the recovery process, and I am probably going to be in the process for the rest of my life. I’ve come so far already, and it can only go up from here. This article does not solely pertain to those fighting external battles. Anyone can take something from this article to improve upon themselves.
Now, go on ahead and continue fighting that battle until you’ve pulverized all possibility of it ever getting the slightest opportunity to defeat you. Remember who you are. Remember that you have a purpose. And most importantly, remember that you are not alone.
