Welcome to the second saga of my booming love life. In my first article about "The Brother Kisser" I uncovered the truth of what really set the tone for my future bizzare attempts at love. After that first experience in the 7th grade, it was pretty obvious that I wasn't being picky enough with my selection of men. I needed to meet someone that meshed well with me; maybe someone who laughed at my jokes, might find me cute, or simply someone that didn't try to play some weird incestual game with me and his brother. Ya know? No funny business sort o' things.

Kaboom! Let me take you back again to the dreaded awkward days, round 2!

Imagine this, you're at a cool shindig, it's 7th grade and you've been introduced to a new boy. Now unlike the last boy, this boy was the life of the party sort of guy, he would walk through the halls and he was friends with everyone.He wore Pac Sun skater shirts, had a jew fro, and could make anyone laugh until they cried. He was about the loudest boy in your grade, but he was a part of the "cool cats" crowd in the gold hall. Unfortunately I was a part of the white hall, the nerds of the school. Anywho, this character would become my next stop on the train to finding love, "My Jewish Lover." Choo chooo.

After digging into the depths of my awkward vault of old pics I came across this gem.This picture depicts how rad this relationship was.

First of all, just look at this.This is just plain frightening, and that isn't referring to my sick edit job in order to blur out his face. I don't know which is worse, the fact that I have ass-chest syndrome, or the fact that we both had jewish afros? You can be the judge of that.

This relationship would last from 7th-9th grade, and to everyone we were essentially what the teenie boppers today would refer to as "goals".

This dude would be the first guy to tell me that he loved me. Again it's the 7th grade. "Hi, how are you" translated into "Let's be boyfriend and girlfriend". Nobody knew what their body parts were, let alone what the concept of love was. I can honestly say I think that I will spend my whole life discovering how to define it...and maybe I'll learn when it starts raining meatballs.

But, anyways here is how the magic happened:

Now mind you, this was back in the days before licenses were a thing yet; therefore, dating consisted of glorified play dates that your parents would drop you off for a couple of hours for. These were the dating days where talking on your home phone was still a thing. I would sit for hours with him on the phone talking about everything that we were doing. Most conversations were flames for example, "So umm what are you doing now?".."Uhh playing Halo."... "Uhh what are you doing?"... "Watching TV." "...Now I'm walking into the kitchen to grab a snack..." "...Oh my gosh I love Oreos too!" ... "You're right we have SO MUCH IN COMMON!"

WOW! Looking back on it, at least we had the communication aspect down. He literally would sing me to sleep with the song Colt 45 by Afroman. I strive to get that out of a relationship in my 20's, not this "Love you; goodnight, beautiful" cliche crap. I want someone to end a nightly conversation with "Said colt 45 and two zigzags baby that's all we need we can go to the park, after dark smoke that tumbleweed as the marijuana burn we can take our turn singin' them dirty rap songs stop and hit the bong like Cheech and Chong and sell tapes from here to Hong Kong." I was dating a jew fro'ed rapper,who knows maybe if he had pursued it enough he could have been the next Lil Dicky.

I remember when he asked me to be the big GF I went home that day and sat on the computer to scope out his Myspace to figure out who I was dating. I sat there fantasizing about being his number one friend. I just had to Kill Bill samurai chop the shit out of TOM, the creator of Myspace that was like the Kanye West of social media. He had to be friends with alll users on Myspace,because he was SO awesome, he should have been called Myspace Yeezy Tom. Now, could you imagine if today Evan Spiegel, co-founder of Snapchat were friends with everyone and started sending y'all weird toilet selfies all day? No.. NO! That's just wrong. Only your added friends can/should send you their impressive poops, not the creator of an app or website that forces you to accept them.

Within a week my mission was accomplished, I "Naruto Hummy Hummy HAWWed" Yeezy Tom out of the friend rankings, and I was top dog baby!

Those sort of things honestly mattered back in the day. People had the option of having a more exclusive list of 5 top friends or larger ones, but THE ORDER WAS KEY. It was insane, if you made someone's top friends list, you were elite, but if you and Suzy were in a dispute you bet your rump that Patricia was bumped up into your spot on Suzy's list knocking you down onto the "general friend list", with the peasants! *GASP* Passive aggressive behavior at its finest.

Anyways, back on topic.. I scoped out his Myspace; it honestly says a lot about a person just by their profile.I first listened to his music playlist , a mixture of Breaking Benjamin and the band Hollywood Undead. I was disturbed right off the bat and was terrified of the kid. I was busy being a typical middle school girl who listened to Kelly Clarkson, not songs about "Charlie Sheen's weenie that he likes to show", but honestly anything could have been better than the brother kisser, so things were looking up for me.

So,here is the first time someone threw the L word at me, straight up to my face:

We had been dating a couple of weeks and his dad dropped him off at my house to hang out, to participate in one of these "play dates." In my backyard we had a pool, a treehouse, and a pathway that led down to a small pond. On the shore we had a small area of land where we could fish and where we kept our paddle and row boat docked. We headed down to the pond and took off on the paddle boat. We laughed the whole time making our way around the algae filled pond getting to know each other. Then, here is where things took a turn.This pond was home to many animals, it housed snapping turtles (that could snap your balls off), beavers, fishies, snails, and alllll the geese. So, we paddle out to the middle of the pond and sat there for a while just talking about life when all of a sudden one of these animals popped its head out of the water and started swimming towards us at a rapid pace. It was a beaver headed STRAIGHT TOWARDS US. Our school mascot come to life to gobble us whole! We paddled to shore violently fast; with each pedal stroke, I was horrified and then of course it began to rain. Basically, this was the 2008 independent film that Nicholas Sparks totally ripped off: "The Jewish Notebook." We ran up the path to get back up to my backyard and the rain subsided as if it were almost magic. We decided to watch the sun set from the treehouse. We made our way the treehouse where there was a perfect spot in which the sunset peaked through two trees in the distance. This set the mood. Oooo baby.

We stood in the treehouse, and at this point I was in total shock that he hadn't asked me to kiss his brother yet. Honestly, good thing he didn't have a brother. We both looked at the sunset hands intertwined together then he turned to me and he said it: "I love you, Jacky." I paused. I might as well have puked. In that moment I felt my heart fall out of my butt. I thought, what in living Jesus is LOVE? I rolled with this love thing and responded with a "Good, booyah!" and then we got freaky. Kidding...I looked at his Jewish curls that fell perfectly against his freckled face, I was big cheesin' (still with my sick set of purple grills), and I told him that I loved him too...and then we played a bit of tonsil hockey. We might as well have had our mouths wide open; it was the worst thing ever. I guess you have to start somewhere, and at the time I thought that it was awesome...for a first make-out, not too shabby. I remember it vaguely, but what I do remember is that I kept opening my eyes to peek at the process. How creepy of me! Imagine if he were to open up his a for a peak and he comes to the realization that he is kissing crazy eyes. I was probably crazy eyes for the majority of that relationship to be honest; I was in shock the whole time that anyone was attracted enough to kiss my nerdy self... and I had no clue what I was doing for two years. In my head I remember thinking, "Okay it's like tying a cherry stem they say right?..do some weird swirlies to the left to the right and UP and down and this thing," ... I was probably more better off as his tooth brush than a girlfriend.

We spent a good two years hanging out experiencing butterflies for the first time. So, why am I not still with him do you ask? Well where there are beginnings, there are ends. Ideally, a 7th grade relationship isn't too promising to endure all the awkward phases from age thirteen throughout high school. If that were the case, that wouldn't have given me any room to have any more ridiculous stories of failing at love.

Well I'm about to get deep for a hot second so if your heart strings don't want to be tugged at, it's about to get real...

This relationship fell through the cracks when I found out my dad had been cheating on my mom. Now, I took this very hard because my dad was my best friend. After a long day at work I would always sit with him, because I didn't want him to feel alone.I remember the night very vividly when turds hit the propeller of my family jet. I crept down the stairs to eavesdrop on my parents conversation. I knew that things had been off for the past couple weeks, but I felt still totally in the dark about what was happening.Then I witnessed it, my mother looked at my dad and asked "Is there another woman?" and he responded "Wait until commercial break." (for the answer to that life changing question) My mom sat there melting into the furniture almost lifeless, she looked like an empty corpse sitting on that couch awaiting that answer, until he replied:"Yes." He had been getting a little more than a haircut when he went to his hair dresser, if you know what I mean.YIKES.

My mom ran past me on the staircase and burst into the kitchen bawling her eyes out with my siblings frantically hugging her asking what was wrong. I sat there on the stairs frozen, in that moment I knew my life would change. I was in shock honestly. My world turned upside down and I walked into the room where my dad still sat watching TV. I approached and asked him if he was okay, and he blankly looked through me as if I were transparent. I died a little inside. He then spoke up after a while of me pleading for him to tell me what was happening, and he gave me the typical "parent divorce speech"... "Your mother and I fell out of love, but it doesn't mean we don't love you" whole gambit. I sat there and listened to every word, without responding. The next morning he was gone. I texted my BF in distress and told him that my life was falling apart and he texted me saying that whatever would happen to our family that I would make it through it,that they could be just going through a rough patch, but the months following confirmed that it wasn't just a rough patch.

My mother was devastated and was a shell of a person.I didn't trust a soul, my whole idea of trust was blown to pieces. My dad, my role model, my best friend, threw us away, was living another life and didn't love us in my mind at the time. So, of course that affected my relationships with everyone,"DADDY PROBLEMS"...God bless, I didn't become a stripper, no worries.

What did happen was that I stopped believing that my BF actually loved me,and was under this impression that he could leave at any moment. I unintentially would create issues in the relationship.Shit started to violently hit the fan, but instead of the term shit hitting the fan I will use another anology from a story from this dating saga. QUICK SIDE STORY:

Early in my jewish love affair we went cosmic bowling with our crew, highlighters on deck. We all were tatted up like some weird neon prepubescent blobs of awkwardness. We barely had just been introduced to what sex was, and condoms were just these weird balloons that had an unknown link to sex. So, us being a bunch of geniuses thought that it'd be hilarious to conduct a condom prank at the bowling alley. We purchased a condom from the janky bathroom at this run down establishment and decided to place it around the top of the water fountain spout. Who needs a dinner and movie date when you can spend time pranking people at the local bowling alley with 50 cent rubbers? The crew set the trap then snuck around the corner to watch the prank fall into action.A middle aged women approached the fountain like a sad worm about to be cobbled up by it's prey. She didn't notice at first and went to take a sip,the condom started to fill up, then when she tried to take it off and the condom shot up and slapped this woman in the face. CONDOM SLAPPED!! One of the funniest things I've witnessed in my life.But, ONWARD to the main point of this short story...

In the same way that, that condom slapped that woman's innocent flesh, I was condom slapped by my parents divorce figuratively.

My relationship started to take a turn, him and I were both really flirty and jew-fro'ed. The only drama in the relationship was mainly over jealousy,because of course girls are allowed to flirt, but the second a guy does the world crumbles, a world war starts, hell freezes over, Kanye becomes selfless instead and selfish, and/or Donald Trump becomes president!... OH, too soon? You get it. Once my world was rocked by my dads love affair with the hooker hairdresser I didn't want to lose someone that I cared about ever again, so I chose the easy route and dumped my BF of two years over the phone.

While breaking up with him on the phone I remember saying the words and saying them so confidently that I almost didn't feel like myself, I blocked it all out. Emotionless, I couldn't believe what I was doing, because it wasn't what I wanted. In months following the breakup I would slide into the FB messenger and profess to him about how I still cared months afterwards until in the words of the song he posted on Myspace post break by Nelly "It was only just a dreaaaamm" confirmed that our relationship was 10 feet under. He soon after that ended up dating my best friend at the time, which was the best revenge ever on his part, and then I was distanced from the friend group.

I turned over a new leaf, I had no choice. I was now transformed into a new form of lover, kind of like the transition of Michael Jackson (may he rest in peace) from black to white. That was the end of the independent film The Jewish Notebook. (Rachel McAdams turned into the white Michael Jackson, a key part of the plot that I don't quite know why Nicholas Sparks had left out of the script)

I did the normal post breakup thing, and instead of giving myself time I rebounded hard in the paint onto my next stop on the train to seek love, a rebel band boy named Pedro. Stay tuned for Episode #3, Pedro at the Park: A tuba player that duran and duran away from a love triangle.