I debated writing this article for a week before diving in. I don't want to invalidate the body-shaming that curvy people experience, but after careful thought I felt that I needed to express my feelings and hopefully give voice to the thoughts of other women who experience similar self-hate.
I am 5' 8" and generally a size 6, although I can go from a 4 to an 8 because clothes are difficult. Logically I know I'm thin, and I am told by friends and strangers that I'm skinny, but this usually just makes me feel very uncomfortable. Most days I either feel too skinny or not skinny enough.
I'm not curvy with a tiny waist, but I'm not straight up and down either, and those are the only two body shapes that are widely recognized as attractive if you have a vagina. I know this is wrong, I know every body is beautiful, and when I'm looking at another person's body I almost always think it is beautiful, but when I look into the mirror I rarely like what I see.
I held a secret when I was younger. All through high school I felt ashamed of this secret. Now it almost feels silly that I was so ashamed, but I also feel sad about it. When I was younger, I felt the strongest need to be found attractive by everyone. Any gender, any sexuality--it didn't matter as long as they either wanted me or wanted to be me. And I hated myself.
Whenever I would talk to a person, that hunger would grip my stomach and convince my mind that the person didn't like me. I did anything I could to muffle that voice. I chose clothes for comfort over fashion, didn't wear makeup, didn't style my hair, whatever made me feel like I was taking focus away from my body. I'm not sure if it made a difference. Sometimes I felt good about myself--the voice was quiet and I hadn't thought much about my body--so I could dress nicely and not feel guilty.
I'm not even sure why it was guilt. I think I felt guilty for not being strong.
Now I don't feel that desire to be found attractive by everyone, but I still often hate my body. It's worse when I see or hear comparisons of one body type to another. Suddenly, when I haven't really been thinking about my body all day, I hear "real women have curves" and my anxiety amps up. I pick at everything I dislike about my body--small boobs, flat butt, waist size, etc.-- figuratively and literally.I cover my stomach with my arms, cross my legs, and try to make myself as small as possible.
I wish I weren't near people because I feel stupid that one comment could set me off, but I can't help feeling awful about my body. Nothing feels right, and my clothes are grabbing at my body and constraining my limbs and weighing heavy on my chest.
This anxiety is also present when the comparison is made with "skinny" women on the pedestal, which seems far more frequent. Magazines, websites, Instagram, Tumblr--the list goes on and on. I can't go into the discover tab of Instagram anymore because I see beautiful people and feel bad about myself. I unfollowed every account of a person to whom I consistently compared myself.
At this time I don't have the restraint to shut down the comparisons, so I try not to expose myself to anything that would induce such negative comparisons. I'm lazy, and I like sweets, so I have flabby bits on my body. One day I might get the motivation to exercise, but so far dance is the only exercise I enjoy, and my class schedule is booked with science courses. Although whenever I watch a movie where the characters run from something I consider exercising more. "Maze Runner"? More like "maybe later."
I still feel guilty for not being strong enough to love myself as I am now, even if I decide to get healthier in the future. But I'm improving my self-love every year, and I hope to have more loving days than hating days in the future.
For now, please try not to compare bodies. Appreciate each body for what it is and what it can do--especially your own. Healthy doesn't equal lean, and fat doesn't equal unhealthy. If you are kind to all bodies you won't accidentally trigger someone's anxiety. If you are kind to your body you will be fine.
