Creating a fantasy football team is like having a child. During the heat of summer you sweat over the minuscule details of every football player, their injury history, their supporting cast, their off-field issues amongst hundreds of other things. Your brain makes hundreds of calculations about the players before you make a small mental note that if this specific rookie wide-receiver is available in the 7th round of the draft--you WILL take him. You go through this process so many times that by the end of it all, you have a nice lineup in your head of a team that will beat all of your peers'. You spent $20 buying into this league, a first place finish will land you $220, and a second place finish will only get your money back. Let's be real, you probably have one arch rival in your league who you'd like to beat at all costs. Let's call him David. Now you're ready. Anything less than perfection is failure; If you aren't first, you're last. You post up a picture of Vince Lombardi above your desk where you'll write your destiny.
"The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack of will." - Vince Lombardi
The Draft
There's pizza on the table, but you don't eat carbs on gameday. You opt for a protein shake instead, as you double, triple, quadruple check your internet connectivity. Without this foundation, all of your research will be useless since there's a 30 second clock, a failure in connectivity is simply unacceptable. With less than 5 minutes to go before the live draft begins, you start making small talk with your friends. Beers are out, the pizza is almost done. Hell, you pitched in for it, you might take a small slice. The commissioner of the league shows up just before the draft begins and wishes you all good luck before half-assedly stating that there will be no screen cheating whatsoever. You all get into a circle as the clock hits 0:00. It's gametime.
The Results
That SOB David. He rigged the system so he got seeded one spot above you in order to snag that sleeper in the 7th round. Whatever. Your lineup probably looks something like this. You really wanted Todd Gurley.
QB: Philip Rivers
RB1: DeMarco Murray
RB2: Joique Bell
WR1: Andre Johnson
WR2: DeSean Jackson
FLEX: Darren Sproles
K: Steven Hauschka
Defense: Texans
The Season: After a series of highly calculated moves, you end up benching Philip Rivers in favor of Kirk Cousins, someone you picked up during Week 2 because there's probably no chance that RG3 really plays the whole season. This move gets you through a solid six weeks of the season before Cousins reaches his max potential as a professional football player, and you have to go back to your original quarterback. Good thing the Chargers are locked in an intense divisional battle, forcing Rivers to play some of the best football of his life. He gets you over 2700 yards in the final 8 games of the season. Andre Johnson tears his ACL in week 5 and you're forced to bring up Martavis Bryant from your bench. It's at this point that you realize your top two WRs are one-shot wonder deep threats. That asswipe David has Calvin Johnson and you're stuck with Martavis and DeSean.
Around week 8, you begin to realize that the Texans defense, despite Jadaveon Clowney, JJ Watt and Vince Wilfork, is not all that good. In fact, it sits right in the middle of the league with the Bengals and the Giants. You make an executive decision: you sign the Tampa Bay defense and play them against the high-octane Philadelphia Eagles hoping for a gamble win. You are wrong. They get roasted for 52 points, and give up over 500 yards on offense including 150 on the ground.
Around week 14 you begin to realize you are nothing but a puppet in the giant capitalistic empire that is the National Football League. You realize that Roger Goodell has more control over your happiness than you do. But you want to beat Dave so badly that you play along with this twisted, evil obsession that is fantasy football. You start praying for members of your own home-team to get injured so that you can have your victory. That spawn-of-satan David. You realize what your life has come to, and vow to never play fantasy football again. But $220 is a lot of money. You could buy so much with that kind of cash.
It's the final week of the season, after injuries, drug suspensions, assault cases and numerous fines, your lineup appears quite different from what it was when you drafted. You realize, that the only players you have left from your original starting lineup are Philip Rivers, Steven Hauschka and Joique Bell. But somehow, by some grace of God, you are 2nd in the league and you're playing David for that top spot in Week 17.
The Season Finale: The rest of the league at this point, has put down their laptops and gathered at your place to watch all the games on the final Sunday of the regular season. You and David sit on opposite couches as the clock strikes 1:00 and kickoffs ensue all around the league. The day goes on, leads exchange back and forth. Finally, the final three games: Chargers vs. Broncos, Rams vs. 49ers and Cardinals vs. Seahawks. You have Philip Rivers, he has Peyton Manning. How will it end?
February 2016: Ahh, thank god Peyton Manning always chokes against the Chargers. You've won your league, and with all the cash flow coming your direction. You spend the money on something you've always wanted: a new textbook. Not used, not loose-leaf. Money well spent. Hours upon hours upon hours of work--but as your boy Lombardi said...
"Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection we can catch excellence."
And you sure were excellent.
