When you meet me, you quickly find out I have a sarcastic, snarky, loud, and very obnoxious personality. I'm obsessed with cheesy pickup lines and would do anything to see the people around me laugh, even if it means saying the stupidest jokes that probably belong in the abyss in my mind. To be honest, I am overly loud and I forget to keep my loud personality in check sometimes. My confidence is ridiculously high, which is my favorite thing about myself. On the "good days", I am completely in love with myself. When people meet me, they only meet half of me. I have a bully who lives inside of me and no one quite believes me when I tell them that I fall victim to mental illness. I refuse to let my depression define me, and that makes it harder for people to understand my mental illness.
"How could someone who's as driven and confident as you struggle with depression?"
"You are amazing, how can you say you hate yourself?"
"It will get better!"
Even my closest friends don't respond to my "bad days" and weeks the way I wish they would. I wish people understood that happy, successful people struggle. It is extremely discouraging to hear my friends tell me ,"It will be okay.." or "that's just sad that you hate yourself." It is hard for people to understand that when my "voice" is active, my personality is distorted and no matter how hard i try, I can't just act normally.
I am an optimistic, happy woman who struggles with a very vicious cycle of severe depression. Words can not explain how frustrating to feel so attacked by my own self, how hard it is to not believe I deserve to be successful, or how heartbreaking it is to tear myself apart when I look in the mirror. It's so hard to one day be so in love with myself and the next to feel lost and sad. Every day is a constant battle of doing everything I can think of to be happy. Every day is a fight to be myself. It's even worse knowing the depression is coming and there is nothing you can do to stop it. It's like seeing a tsunami coming, but you're confident that you can swim. However, the tsunami is stronger than you and hits you harder than you expected.
On good days, I am fully aware of my strengths, dreams, and responsibilities. I can write this and know I am an amazing woman who is destined for great things. I think that's why it's so hard for people to help me when I am being bullied by myself. Nothing that anyone says, no matter how true, holds no value to me. My mind literally blocks out everything good to make me feel stuck and discouraged. Honestly, the hardest part is feeling so helpless when I KNOW I am better than what my voice is telling me. My therapist asked me this week, "Would you talk to your friends the way you talk to yourself? Why or why not?" That really made me think of why I hold myself to a different standard than the people around me. I have to remind myself that I am worthy of love, especially from myself. I have to be my best friend, my number one fan, and my caregiver before I am those things for anyone else.
When someone is struggling with depression, I guarantee telling them "it will be okay" is just going to frustrate them more than they already are. More times than not, they know they are going to be okay but they're not at the moment. When an optimistic person is struggling, tell them that you love them. If they are confiding in you, don't be cliche (even if that is what seems easiest). Tell that person that they are wonderful and that tomorrow is a new day. Encourage that person to get some sleep, and remind them (in a patient, loving way) to take care of themselves. Ask them how they are feeling. If a person with depression is being mean or pushing you away, do not lose your temper with them. Let them work out their thoughts. Remind them that they are there and give them space. I can not explain how important it is to be patient with someone with depression.
Loving someone with depression is a constant struggle, however, show them that you care by doing research, or be knowledgeable about the effects of depression. Let them know how important their life is. For me, I am not suicidal but I really need to be reminded that my life is important.
Depression is not the end of the world, it's more annoying for me than anything. My goal is to raise awareness and to learn how to cope with my mind. I want to be friends with my voice, meaning I want my heart and head to agree on how freaking fabulous I am.
YOU ARE FABULOUS.
YOU ARE GREAT.
YOU ARE LOVED.
YOU ARE NEEDED.
Love yourself, depression and all.
