When I turned three, I told my mom I wanted to dance, to be like the pretty dancers in the movies I watched. It must have been one of the Gene Kelly musicals (I loved watching him). From ballroom to ballet I saw it all in the movies, but I told my mom I wanted to do ballet.
I was so excited for the classes, the leotards, the makeup and everything! I have Rheumatoid Arthritis so for me this was going to be an adventure in which I got to control my body. To me, the pain didn't matter because I saw how pretty I looked in the mirror and the feeling of control and beauty was greater than the amount of pain I may or may not have been in.
My arthritis made things sort of difficult as I got older. I wanted to be part of the company or move up the levels I felt that I should because of how hard I worked. Every little girl wants to be like the girls in pointe shoes, no matter how much they hurt somehow we still think it is worth it. I was told a lot that they were afraid of advancing me to pointe because of my arthritis, which made me a bit discouraged. I felt like I was being held back by my body.
I took classes all through elementary school and stopped once I hit 6th or 7th grade due to extracurricular conflicts. I still made sure to practice and keep up the technique I had worked so hard to understand. I didn't get to take more classes until college (which is really depressing) but I had a fantastic instructor. She pushed me and understood that I could do more than what other people thought. It took two teachers to really get to know me and spend time with me to realize that I was capable of so much more than others thought. My disability isn't a setback; in reality, my joints let me know when it is time to take a break before I can hurt myself, unlike other dancers who sometimes take it too far.
A few weeks ago, I signed up for another dance class and it was with one of the instructors that knew me very well. It was an easier level than what I had taken before so I asked her if there was a way to make things harder for me - that's when I got the best present anyone could give...she said I could get pointe shoes. I have an immense love for ballet and the feeling you get when you're on stage. It is an escape from all of the anxiety and everyday stress of chronic illness. There's something about being a dancer that makes you feel invincible. People don't see your illness, they see a beautiful person prancing across a floor.
Having someone believe in me like that made me feel like I was on top of the world. It is worth all the pain and sweat because someone saw the person, not the illness, and I couldn't thank her enough. Dance has been an escape, a dream, and a workout for me. It has kept me strong and confident through the years. Though it has been painful at times, it is totally worth it.
