It truly hit me for the first time yesterday that I am not a dancer anymore. Sitting at my sisters dress rehearsal, I fought to hold back tears as the graceful music played and the ballet dancers waltzed across the stage, so effortlessly and so happy. I knew that they were secretly dying inside of pain from standing in sous-sous too long or trying to get that perfect pirouette.

I know that because, for the last fifteen years, that was my life.

Due to a medical condition, I had to give up the love of my life: dance. There was something so redeeming about the sweat, tears, blood, and pain associated with such a vigorous sport. Working for six months all to perform a three-minute jazz number or lyrical production on stage is what I lived for. It was not about the trophies, it was all about making the audience smile and radiating off of their energy. The stage is where I belonged.

I have always been known as “Brooke: The Dancer," by everyone: my family, my doctors, and my friends. When that piece of my life was suddenly taken away from me, I felt like I lost my identity. Talking about dance was upsetting to me and every time I currently open my dance bag and take a look at my pointe shoes, I cry because there is nothing I want to do more than be in a ballet class doing painstaking tendus or back aching attitudes.

I do not have many regrets in life, but the one regret I seriously have is when I would rush a dance or combination. As my health spiraled out of control this year, I regret making dance a chore, because it was always associated with pain. I regret not pushing to do that triple pirouette. I regret not taking that hip-hop class on a whim and not pushing myself to do the things I never thought I could do.

Please, for me, if you are a dancer, never take anything for granted. Do a pas de deux, take a tap class, do a musical theater solo, live outside the box, make extra strong facial expressions in a jazz dance, and do not have any regrets. You never know when this life could be taken away from you.

To anyone who is in a recital this weekend (or any weekend for that matter), dance every dance like it is your last, I cannot thank my amazing dance teachers enough for pushing me out of the box and believing in me that I could perform a solo. I would give my right arm to be in your place and being able to perform on stage. You are given the amazing opportunity and gift to be able to express yourself through movement.

Instead, I will sit amongst the crowd, fighting to hold back tears as I watch all of my friends dance across the stage. A place where I never thought I would be, but would give up in a heartbeat. Please, never taken this incredible thing for granted, you never know when a dance might be your last.

I hope and pray every day that I will be able to grace the stage once again.