Let's be real for a minute. All athletes do dumb things, and everybody loves to make fun of them for it. You ever noticed how tennis players have greater success when they emphasize that grunt on impact? What about basketball players and their obnoxious sleeves for their "shooting arm." Okay sir, I'm highly impressed by your manicured habits. I just have to take a moment and pick on the players who perform the most beautiful sport, and that's soccer. Suit up, footballers. You're in for a laugh.
1. Run semicircles around the goal.
Have you ever noticed when players get so much momentum built up, they have to run a fancy little semicircle around the goal to cool off? Not like you could just stop, turn and go like the rest of us. No, you have to make a show of it.
2. Cry for a foul.
OK, this is really just the men. Abby Wambach once took staples to the face during a game, and still played. But then, there are the guys who get touched and dive, cannon ball style.
3. Throw tantrums when they don't get their way.
Seriously guys, just leave the poor ref alone. This isn't football, and you don't get a replay.
4. Turn every other sport into soccer.
Volleyball? Hammer the poor delicate ball with arms and hands. Basketball? Forcibly push ball to ground (with hands!) and into basket. Baseball? A decent way to ruin a new size 5.
5. Wear pink headbands and fight over numbers.
"Honey, why not just pick a simple number, like 29?"
"But mom, Alex Morgan is number 13." Which reminds me, how's your supply of pink headbands doing?
6. Refuse to wear shin guards for all of five minutes.
Yeah, that mother trucker hurt, didn't it? Should've listened to the captain!
7. Try to knock out the goalie.
8. Stuntin'.
Injury in 3, 2, 1.
9. Use a Spanish or British accent to narrate your FIFA games.
10. Carry your soccer bag well past its wear.
Because the prestige is too much to throw away.
11. Try to juggle an apple instead of eating it.
12. Foul someone immediately after they just schooled you and got possession.
"Ain't nobody" makes a fool of a footballer, except said footballer.
13. Celebrate goals like they just got cured of cancer.
Do you have any idea how many "Ronaldo explosion" GIFs Google can find? I do.
14. Guess what position someone plays by the shape of their legs.
"Dang girl, are you a center mid? Cuz you've been running through my mind all day!"
15. Fake literally everything embarrassing.
16. Wear pre-rap as a hair restraint.
Sorry if I got too "cheeky" with ya, mate. Next time you might want to suck it up and laugh, like the 10 year old that helped me pick out these GIFs. Shout out to Jack Attack, my main man.
