We've all been there. It's around 2 a.m., and you are in a bar that is starting to die down after a successful night of drinking and an unsuccessful night of hitting on the opposite sex. As you sit at the bar with whatever overpriced drink you have in your hands, you've started to have drunk thoughts that seem like fantastic ideas at the time, but in actuality they are horrible ideas.
Drunk Thought No. 1—"You know who I haven't heard from in awhile? My ex."
You know why you haven't heard from them in awhile? Because they are your ex! Best case scenario, you text them something along the lines of "I miss yuuu," and because they are a normal person, they are sleeping at 2 a.m., so they don't respond. Then, in the morning, they see that you sent the message at an ungodly hour and had a spelling error. They chalk it up to the fact that you were plastered and go on with life without bringing it up.
Worst case scenario, you send them a three-page-long book full of typos about how much you miss them, about how much you wish they were there with you, about how much you miss their family and how amazing they looked when you took them to senior prom in high school. After not getting a response to those texts (because nobody knows how to respond to that), you call them four or five times, leave a voice mai and then pass out.
Drunk Thought No. 2—"I've always wanted to get in a fight."
When doing anything for the first time, it's probably not the best idea to be intoxicated. Sure you might not be able to feel your face right now, but you know who will feel the pain of that nasty right hook you just took from your school's starting linebacker because he was "looking at you funny"? Future you. Even if you manage to land a punch or two, you are gonna swing and miss at least once and probably hurt your hand on the bar or cut it on a bottle. Your hangover will be bad enough without the broken hand and lacerations.
Drunk Thought No. 3—"I bet I could climb up to the roof of this building."
No dude, you are right, because you downed that fifth of cheap liquor, you are now the world's greatest free-runner and capable of climbing anything like Spider-Man. Never mind the fact that sober you is afraid of heights. Drunk you has the guts and the depth perception to free climb a four-story building without falling just so you can pee off the roof. Because YOLO, am I right?!
Drunk Thought No. 4—"I know I've been really close friends with [close friend of the opposite sex], but I honestly think if we hooked up tonight, it wouldn't be weird tomorrow."
Yes. It would be weird. It would definitely be weird. If you start seeing your friends as potential hookups, find a bed pronto because you are entering dangerous territory.
Drunk Thought No. 5—"Hello, Pizza Hut? Yeah, I'd like one order of everything."
You've already spent money on cover, buying some girl drinks and then buying your own drinks. And you've been drinking nothing but alcohol for a solid three hours now, so how bout we make your stomach hate you a little more? A large pizza, a side of pasta, some Cinna Stix and a two-liter bottle of soda ought to do the trick. If you manage to keep that down, you now have high blood pressure and diabetes.
So, when it's early in the morning, and you start to feel these thoughts creeping into your head, remember to get your drunk self home and into bed, before your do something stupid.
