[doubt: as defined by Merriam-Webster online: to be uncertain about (something) : to believe that (something) may not be true or is unlikely; have no confidence in (someone or something)]
The times I have doubted any aspect in my life are embarrassingly too numerous to count; I have been in the position that I have doubted literally anything and I think that bares talking about. To doubt something is natural, it's a way of life and living. I decided to include both definitions that Merriam-Webster provides because both of them pertain to the purpose behind this article.
I guess I could start this off with an example to make my thoughts clearer: early this year, when I was still in high school, I was sitting on my bed at home and thinking. I had already heard back from all the colleges I applied to and, as all my friends and people that I knew were going on college tours and deciding where they wanted to go, I was just letting my mind wander. I remember one particular day I was having a real tough time getting through the day, just a mess in my mind, feeling emotionless and incapable of anything. Though this was a normal occurrence earlier in my high school years, senior year proved to be a happier time and I had bad days like this. Yet, this particular day was really important to me and I still think of it for a specific reason. I sat on my bed, reflecting on my life up to that point, thinking of the happy times and bad times, what I was good at, what I could improve in.
There was a particular thought that I kept coming back to. It was regarding school, that I never took it seriously because I wasn't interested as I was when I was younger. Going to school wasn't exciting or interesting anymore; it was a chore that I had to do five times a week for a few hours in order to get a piece of a paper as a reward. I realized that school wasn't a strength for me because there was no subject I genuinely enjoyed. It was at that point that I experienced wave after wave of doubts: that high school was a waste, I should drop out, I shouldn't go to college, etc. Just wave after wave of "shouldn't"s, "couldn't"s and "wouldn't"s. I wasn't applying for college in the area that I wanted, I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life and I felt disconnected from everything.
But over time, things got better. Granted, I still doubt the direction I'm going in my life and I really don't know where I'm headed: I'm taking anything the world throws at me day by day. There are tough days, but I have so many amazing people behind me that I really feel like I can do anything.
The moral of this story: doubting is natural. No one knows what's going to happen in the future and the most we can do is take it little steps at a time. The future is uncertain, we can only hope for the best. This Christmas season, I'm just thankful that I have my family and friends, that I've been blessed with the life I'm living now.
I hope you all a very happy winter holidays and that you've spent the time with the people you care about most.
Be safe and stay happy
XX
