men·talill·ness (NOUN) any psychiatric disorder that causes untypical behavior

I’m going to be completely honest. Mental Illness sucks the life out of you. Depending on what disorder you have, it just blows. I will be sharing my struggles, my advice, tips, awesome quotes, and greatest accomplishments. I struggle with bipolar disorder, depression, and anxiety. It has been hard keeping relationships with love interests, family, and friends. I can tell you that the only one that loves me unconditionally is my dog, Wesley, who is the most loving dog ever. I found out that I have bipolar disorder since May. It was quite a shock but also a relief. I take medication for it and go to counseling which has been helpful. Here's an introduction of my battle, I have been untreated since I was the age of 12. None of my family, not even my parents took a notice of my behavior since two - three years ago when I wanted to hurt myself. I knew I had depression and anxiety. But doesn't everyone?

I thought going to my family doctor would cure everything. I was basically trying new medicines every week - thinking it could solve this "problem" I have. It didn't, it made things worse. I was living with my older brother for about six to seven years in our family home. Family is divorced. My father is remarried. My mother has a partner of nine years. I was working two jobs to help pay for my half of the house and groceries. I liked being on my own but sometimes It got too much because of feeling like I wasn't being heard or appreciated. My room was my safe haven. It has been for all my life. My parents used to fight a lot and so my room was a way for me to get a way from the noise. Sadly, to this day, it's still my safe haven. I have a collection of movies, like to take pictures, and music that keeps me sane from the problems I have inside my head. I have and always will have a big problem communicating my problems to anyone because I feel like they don't understand what I go through on a daily basis. What seems so easy to everyone else by getting up and starting your day, it seems like a big accomplishment to us.

Relationships are very hard for me because of watching the marriage between my parents crumble every day since I can remember. I try to stem away from their mistakes but I keep going back to the pattern. I love too hard. I strive for validation. I want to make that person happy. And I do it by trying to be some one I'm not. I get hurt because their reason is my anxiety or my bipolar. I feel like I get put on a higher ground whenever I meet someone because they think of me as this awesome person when I'm just me. I love superheroes, I like to watch movies, take pictures, visit museums, listen to music, go to the beach, and be me. I tell people I have bipolar disorder and they ask me the normal questions which I answer. Then I get, "I'll handle it, no worries." I'm sorry to say, you fucking can't. No one can fucking handle someone with a fucking mental illness unless you are God. Which you clearly aren't. I'm sorry to put the lord's name in vain. But it's true. You have to be patient, understanding, strong, and loving to really fully commit to this person who is struggling every day.

Bullying -- Oh, god. Where do I begin? Bullying is not something I like to hear about happen to you, nor me. I had or have a bully for about a year now. Let me put it this way, she is one of those people who preach to you about mental illness but will call you a lunatic. She is dating my ex boyfriend off and on of two years. After they got together, he told her lies about me. Making himself look like he didn't do anything wrong but I was the wrongdoer. I was at the most darkest place when I was in the second year of our relationship. I was unhappy and felt very depressed. He wasn't making it easier for me to get over things. I was very resentful and very lonely. The distance between us wasn't making it great either. We loved each other. We wanted to make it work. We tried so hard. I give him props for trying. But he was very emotionally abusive. And I was a love sick girl wanting him. As for the person he is with, she is nothing more theninsecure. In my opinion anyway. I have been called a lunatic, emailed profusely, Facebook messaged, and Instagram messaged by this person. I guess to prove a point? There is no point because I don't care anymore. The ex-boyfriend and I are done. Not even wanting to talk to each other. But this person messaged me a few months back, I quotes star wars - knowing that it would go over her head. I took a picture of it and emailed it to my ex boyfriend. Ge didn't even see it til a month ago. And this person went nuts. Don't email me and expect me to hide it.

This is why I'm not friends or associate myself with too many females. Not too fond of them. I pick and choose my friends that are girls -- it helps.

Anyway, I have learned that when you are in that type of situation - walk away. Or tell them to simply leave you alone. You aren't wanting to fight with them, just wanting peace. It's hard not wanting to fight because you are feeling attacked. As for my warriors -- look at it this way. They aren't in the higher intelligence group that we belong in so don't even pay attention to it. We are better then this. They want attention and they think that we want their boyfriend / girlfriend back. It's not the case. We just don't want to be bothered cause we got so much other shit going on, haha. Love ourselves and just move on. I know we will be hung up on it. But shit happens.

Family. Family is what I most personally struggle with. I love my family with every ounce of my being. But some times I find it hard to bond with them. My family is very goal, artsy, and musically oriented. And myself, I am very kept to myself. I suffer from social anxiety, and working in retail doesn't make it easier. Going to family functions or even going out with friends is a massive anxiety attack. I hate it. But it is what is. My cousin has a mental illness - well many. But he is the most kind, gentle, heart warming, loving, sweet person. He is taking medication as well. And he understands too.

My advice for my first entry -- If you have a calendar -- on your phone, hanging calendar, or even a pocket calendar. Write Good if you have a good day or Bad if you have a bad day. Then total up the "Good" and the "Bad". It will help you to see if you need to work on anything that makes your days worse. My aunt taught me this. And it has helped.

Also, if you are into anything like I am. Journal, take pictures, play pokemon go, watch movies, go for a swim, or cook one of your favorite dishes. Maybe just dance!

We can't have this take over our lives, we are human. We are here on this earth to do something amazing. Let's kick ass and repeat.

I really do hope that everyone suffering from mental health can relate and to grow with me while I'm on my journey to get healthy.

-- Gracie