I came into college with a dream. I had a dream that I was going to have the perfect college experience, find great friends, and live the life that I had always imagined for myself. That dream just didn't come true.

I remember my graduation day as I walked across the stage, shook hands, and figuratively walked away from the life I had been living and towards the life I dreamed for myself. On that day, I cried and cried and no one knew why. I was crying because I was walking into a situation I didn't know of.

Brianna Gavin

I can still feel the loneliness I felt when I first moved into college and realized I was never going to have the life I wanted for myself. Nights spent alone with no calls or texts were a perfect opportunity for me to delve deeper into unpacking the emotional trauma I'd endured the 18 years before.

I was left alone with my thoughts for the first time.

Brianna Gavin

Even as the school year went on, I remember lying to friends and telling them I wasn't in my room so that I could sit alone and cry. I remember one of my friends having to call me and come into the communal bathroom to find me crying terribly in the shower.

The first time I cut and dyed my hair while in college was scary. Afterwards it wasn't bad and I was fine with it, but it was so much more to me than a hair change. It was the official ending of the life I had known before; it was a goodbye to who I was. It was also around this time when the start of one of my many destructive behaviors came to light.

Brianna Gavin

I came in almost two full years ago with the hope that I was going to become a better person, but the truth is that I have ruined it. With the multitude of opportunities that I've been given, I've squandered them. Every interview I messed up, test I failed, friendship I blew up, and relationship I purposely killed all add up to ruin my chances of achieving my dream.

At the beginning of this school year, I sat at my desk on August 21, 2018 and wrote down wishes for myself that I was to open at the end of this school year. I decided to open it and I can still feel the sharp pain in my chest as I read the list of things I failed to do again this year.

A few of these wishes are, "Don't involve yourself in negative relationships," "Learn to love yourself", and "Repair past pain." I can't sit here and say that any of those things happened for me. In fact, I feel even further away from making them a reality.

This all comes together because I am now halfway done with college and I am still without direction. Spending too much time on losing battles is only a waste of time in the end...I am not who I want to be. I am pouring from an empty cup into others that only continue asking for more without giving any back.

I am supposed to be a role model; a big sister, a friend, a mental health advocate. But the only advice I have to give is to do everything to not be like me. And maybe that in itself is my purpose. Maybe it's all been about me making mistakes and ruining things so that others can see what not to do?

I'm not sure. But all I do know is that I am a different person than who I was moving boxes into a small Founders dorm room on August 9, 2017. I am a different person than who I was coming into sophomore year with nothing but fun and friends on my mind.

All I can hope for now is that I've done something worthy for someone else to make a change.