Picture this: you’re at the grocery store and someone accidentally bumps their cart into you. What is the first thing you say? In a normal situation, the person controlling the cart would apologize, you’d say “it’s alright” or “no worries," and you would both be on your merry ways. However, in these situations, I find myself saying the same words every time; I’m sorry.
Why am I sorry? For standing in the wrong place at the wrong time? For being hit? There is no reason for me to be sorry, yet my brain is trained to automatically say “I’m sorry” every time something happens, even if it isn’t my fault.
“I’m sorry” is one of those phrases that has weight to it. It isn’t as arbitrary as saying “the sky is blue." “I’m sorry” is like “I love you;" they are both phrases with meaning below the surface. I have trained myself to use a weighted phrase in situations that don’t call for it.
It could be because I want to make sure I am using proper manners. But in many cases, proper manners don’t call for an “I’m sorry." Why do we interchange the phrases “excuse me” and “I’m sorry” so often? You’re sorry for needing to get past someone?
The dangerous thing about “I’m sorry” is that it has a negative impact when it is overused. This is seen in two ways. The first is that when you say “I’m sorry” over and over again, it starts to lose its meaning. Save your “I’m sorry” for when it really matters. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. Overusing “sorry” gives it less depth and less meaning.
The second way is perhaps the more dangerous of the two. When you say “I’m sorry” in situations when you don’t need to, you are putting yourself down. Apologizing for the things you do wrong builds you up. Apologizing when you have no need to can tear you down.
You cannot blame yourself for everything. People that over apologize, like me, tend to blame themselves for things that they shouldn’t. Manipulative people look for those who over-apologize and blame themselves for everything because they are easier targets. Of course, being manipulated by someone is not your fault. But there are things you can do, like being conscious of how often and when you apologize, that can help to protect you.
Apologizing when you need and when you mean it is a good and healthy thing. In life, we learn by making mistakes and reflecting on those mistakes as we apologize for those mistakes. When we overuse it, we make ourselves smaller. We turn the blame on ourselves and, over time, it can have a huge impact on you. You don’t always need to be sorry. You have just as much a right to be somewhere as someone else does, so why apologize?
I’m taking a personal pledge to monitor and reflect on when and why I say “I’m sorry” because I want to use my apologies to build myself up, not tear myself down. And I’m not sorry about that.
