On August 13, 2016, my life completely changed. It was on that day that I experienced a panic attack for the first time. Little did I know that the week leading up to that day was preparing me for what was to come. I spent that week visiting the doctors, trying to figure out what was wrong with me. I went for x-rays for my chest, had blood work done and even did tests on my heart. After going through all of that, everything came back fine. The tests may have said I was alright, but on the inside, that's the last thing I was feeling.

I can remember the day it happened as if it was yesterday. Because for the first time in my life, I didn't feel like I had control over my body. Everything just started to change and the last thing I felt like was myself. While some people may experience only a few minor signs and symptoms of a panic attack, that wasn't the case for me. I felt them all. The overwhelming fear, heart racing a million miles a minute, dizziness, feeling unsteady and like I was going to pass out, shaking hands, tightness in my throat, shortness of breath, chest pain, weak knees so bad I couldn't hold myself up, pins and needles so bad my entire body felt numb and tingling. I was detached from reality and I lost total control of my body and myself that the only thing I could do was cry. Mind you, this happened when I was at work. Imagine trying to work and not knowing what's going on with you and having this happen in front of everyone. I was on display for everyone; I felt exposed and vulnerable. By some miracle, I was able to get through it and I went back to work. But little did I know the battle had just begun. Because the next day at work it happened again. I didn't know what was wrong with me, I had never felt more scared before in my entire life than during those 2 days. This time I let it get the best of me and instead of trying to power through it, I lost and ended up going home early because I couldn't make it through.

It took me a while to fully recover and feel like myself again. Because dealing with anxiety for the first time was new to me it took me so long to get used to it. I spent the first few days in bed because I still felt pins and needles and had weak knees. It was so bad that I couldn't walk downstairs without feeling like I was going to pass out. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified; I thought I would never feel completely like myself ever again. I was afraid to go anywhere besides my house because I thought I would have another panic attack so I stayed inside my house for an entire week. Never leaving, just staying in my room because at that time it was the only place I felt safe. All I wanted to do was get better and get back to the person I was before who didn't have to deal with this. I wanted to be able to go out and not have to worry if something bad was going to happen again. All I kept thinking about was if I would be able to move back on campus without letting this happen. It was my last year, the last thing I wanted to worry about was having a panic attack in class and not be able to make it through college and end up dropping out. Or what if I was in my dorm room and it happened? How would I get through it? Who would be there for me to help me through it or would I have to do it myself? These were the ongoing thoughts going through my mind as I watched the days leading up to move in day dwindle down until the day finally came.

Even though it's only been less than 5 months since my last panic attack, I'm still trying to recover and take each day at a time. I know there are people who have dealt with anxiety much longer than I have and I don't want to compare myself to anyone because I know we all struggle differently with it. But through this tough journey, it has opened my eyes and taught me some valuable lessons along the way.

I used to think I couldn't win and I wanted to give up because I wasn't strong enough to face my anxiety. When it first happened, instead of accepting what was going on, I let it take over me. I had so many thoughts running through my mind. Why did this have to happen to me? What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why? I was selfish and confused and I still am now. But I came to realize that I wasn't given this out of punishment, but because life saw that I was strong enough to face this. I may not be religious, but I truly do believe that God does give it's toughest battles to it's strongest people. So if you feel weak and not important just know that you are in fact strong because you've already won the war by defeating the enemy that is anxiety.

When I first discovered I had anxiety I was too afraid to talk about it with anyone, mainly because of the stigma anxiety carries. With the way society is, unless you can see the problem you're facing on the outside, then it's not an issue. Believe me, if I could show you what was going on inside of me I would. But I don't need your validation on whether or not my anxiety is a "real" problem. There are still days where I just don't think I can make it and I let my anxiety get the best of me. But I've learned to control those days so they don't turn into weeks and months of feeling that way.

So many people can tell you that you'll be okay, but it's only you who can do it because we all have our ways of dealing with anxiety. You can't just hand me a pamphlet on how to deal with anxiety; it's not something that can be cured by reading some step-by-step process. I don't want to have to rely on taking medication because all that's good for is numbing the pain, it doesn't eliminate it altogether.

I'm not gonna lie, dealing with anxiety is not easy. Every day is hard and you can have a lot of good days and bad days. It's not like you can just snap your fingers and the anxiety goes away. If it was that easy, then no one would have to deal with this and everyone would be fine. But that's not how life works. Life isn't going to drop you in a corn maze with a map on how to get out. No, you're going to have to find your own way out. And there's going to be setbacks and you're going to get lost and want to quit. But trust me, you will get through it and find your way out. Because if life handed you over everything and made it all easy and perfect, then you not only wouldn't learn anything from your experiences, life wouldn't be worth living.

So go out and enjoy life because while you spend those days trapped inside with negative thoughts and having the urge to just want to give everything up, life is passing you by. Nothing stops for you, time doesn't stop for anyone. I'm done with watching the seconds, minutes and hours go by because of my anxiety controlling me. I'm sick of feeling dizzy and not being able to make it out of my house for fear that somethings going to happen. I'm sick of my hands constantly shaking because my mind keeps on telling me that I'm not alright. I'm sick of not being able to sleep at a normal time or get barely enough sleep at all because of the ongoing thoughts running through my head that I can never turn off no matter how hard I try. But mostly, I'm sick and tired of pretending like everything's fine when it's not. Because you know what, it's hard for me to cope with my anxiety sometimes and there are times where I would rather stay inside and not face the world. In the beginning, I mastered how to cover up my feelings. I got so good at faking a smile and saying "I'm fine" became second nature to me, almost to a point where I believed it. But the truth is, I felt anything but fine and the times where I smiled I was screaming on the inside and all I wanted to do was cry. So I learned not to repress my feelings, because I realized that keeping that inside only makes the anxiety worse.

If there's one thing I can tell you that I hope sticks with you as you deal with your anxiety it's this: please don't ever give up. Believe me, there have been plenty of times I wanted to just quit and throw in the towel; anything to not have to deal with this or feel this way anymore. But I realized that through the pain, frustration and tears, so many tears, I AM WORTH IT. I am worth living and I'm not going to let my anxiety live for me anymore. I know you're tired and have probably heard this many times and maybe I'm just another one of those voices to add to your collection of "positive thoughts that never work." But even if I am, I hope this one can somehow stick. I'm right there beside you and we will get through this together. I promise.

Please know that you are here and alive for a reason. Think about everything you have going for you and the people in your life who love and accept you for who you are. Just remind yourself to breathe and all of this will give you the strength to get out of bed, put clothes on, put shoes on, walk out your door and slam the door shut on your anxiety. You are not alone, always remember that.