Family disappointment

I'm Fine Being The Disappointment Of The Family

It is hard when you grow up not meeting the expectations that were set for you even before birth.

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Growing up I always felt like the black sheep of the family. No matter how much I tried to make my parents happy it just seemed like everything always backfired on me. I remember moments in my childhood when I wanted to go on vacations with my family members but for some reason, it was always hard for me to go because on a BS excuse or whatever.

I remember moments in my childhood where I was bashed a lot over a lot of things including my performance in school, or whatever someone can think of that I had done wrong over a span of several months. All of this did nothing but make me very angry and depressed. This made things worse but hey, how can a child with no emotional support at the time handle a family that seemed like they were always against her.

The thought of not being good enough had always been in my mind for years. It was like a thought that was living rent-free in my head, but also a thought I could not evict. Every mistake I made, big or small seemed to always go unnoticed by people around me. People who were supposed to have my back, and guide me. Instead of being lifted up with some encouraging words and advice I felt as if I was repeatedly being kicked.

Experiencing all this may seem like it would break me, but nope. Instead, it made me a stronger and wiser person. I remember laying in bed and suddenly being hit with this satisfaction that "I was honestly okay with not being who people expected me to be." I was fine with the fact that no matter what I do I would never be enough for my own mother. Many kids who grew up trying their hardest to make their family happy may never settle with this mindset and I honestly do not blame them.

It is hard to learn how to please yourself when you grew up thinking about others, but at the end of the day, it is a challenge that only a few can accept. Something I had realized was that no matter how much good you do in this world or how much you are good to the people around you it will never be enough. It will never be enough not because you are the problem but because the people you are "not enough" for are not even satisfied with themselves and their own lives.

The hardest pill to swallow in all this is the fact that this can also apply to your own family. If there is anything you should never be fooled over it is the fact that just because you may have family members who work successful careers and seem to be having a good life, does not mean that those family members are really happy. If you have a family member who constantly criticizes you it is only because they are lacking something in their own lives that they wish they had that you have.

If there is anything someone who feels like they are not enough should always know, it is that you matter and you are worthy of yourself. It can be hard at times but if people want to talk about you let them talk because at the end of the day they won't have your back like you have your own.

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To The Parent Who Chose Addiction

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

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When I was younger I resented you, I hated every ounce of you, and I used to question why God would give me a parent like you. Not now. Now I see the beauty and the blessings behind having an addict for a parent. If you're reading this, it isn't meant to hurt you, but rather to thank you.

Thank you for choosing your addiction over me.

Throughout my life, you have always chosen the addiction over my programs, my swim meets or even a simple movie night. You joke about it now or act as if I never questioned if you would wake up the next morning from your pill and alcohol-induced sleep, but I thank you for this. I thank you because I gained a relationship with God. The amount of time I spent praying for you strengthened our relationship in ways I could never explain.

SEE ALSO: They're Not Junkies, You're Just Uneducated

Thank you for giving me a stronger bond with our family.

The amount of hurt and disappointment our family has gone through has brought us closer together. I have a relationship with Nanny and Pop that would never be as strong as it is today if you had been in the picture from day one. That in itself is a blessing.

Thank you for showing me how to love.

From your absence, I have learned how to love unconditionally. I want you to know that even though you weren't here, I love you most of all. No matter the amount of heartbreak, tears, and pain I've felt, you will always be my greatest love.

Thank you for making me strong.

Thank you for leaving and for showing me how to be independent. From you, I have learned that I do not need anyone else to prove to me that I am worthy of being loved. From you, I have learned that life is always hard, but you shouldn't give into the things that make you feel good for a short while, but should search for the real happiness in life.

Most of all, thank you for showing me how to turn my hurt into motivation.

I have learned that the cycle of addiction is not something that will continue into my life. You have hurt me more than anyone, but through that hurt, I have pushed myself to become the best version of myself.

Thank you for choosing the addiction over me because you've made me stronger, wiser, and loving than I ever could've been before.

Cover Image Credit: http://crashingintolove.tumblr.com/post/62246881826/pieffysessanta-tumblr-com

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22 Times Mom And Dad Were Right, Even If I Hate To Admit Being Wrong

You have always been there for me, no matter what, and I appreciate it with my whole heart.

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I have been blessed with two amazing parents. Since the day I was born, they were always there to support me in the big ways and the small ways — from always cheering me on at my volleyball games to sending me care packages at school to calling me for encouragement before an interview to sending me daily "good morning, have a good day" messages.

The lessons that they have taught me in my 22 years on this beautiful earth have not gone unnoticed, even though I may not have always listened to them.

1. When they told me that I will never disappoint them, as long as I am trying my best.

2. When they told me that I deserve to be treated with respect.

3. When they told me that I would survive heartbreak.

4. When they told me that some friends are not life-long friends. 

5. When they told me to bring a jacket whenever I go out.

6. When they told me that growing up is not all fun and games and to enjoy the present moment.

7. When they told me that some people in life are just, well, mean and bitter. 

8. When they told me that it is okay to take time for myself and to put myself first sometimes.

9. When they told me that people need to earn my trust. 

10. When they told me that God has a plan, even though it may not be the same as my plan.

11. When they told me to treat others the way I want to be treated, even if they treated me poorly.

12. When they told me to always send a thank you note, email, text message, or phone call.

13. When they told me that honesty is the best policy and that karma will bite me in the butt.

14. When they told me to be humble, but to be proud of my successes. 

15. When they told me to love my body and my brain just the way they are.

16. When they told me to find my passion and to follow it with all of my heart.

17. When they told me to think before I speak so that I do not say anything that I will regret.

18. When they told me I would survive, even when I thought something was the end of the world.

19. When they told me to learn from my failures instead of ignoring them. 

20. When they told me to stand by my beliefs, even if that meant standing alone.

21. When they told me that small gestures go a long way. 

22. When they told me that they will always love me, even when I am being stubborn or mean or disrespectful or annoying. 

Thank you, Mommy and Daddy. I love you so much.

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