I Couldn't Be Your Dirty Little Secret
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I Couldn't Be Your Dirty Little Secret

The Ghost of (Toxic) Relationships Past

I Couldn't Be Your Dirty Little Secret
The Hindustan TV

There I was sitting on your counter at midnight in your shirt while you made me food. The naïve sophomore in high school, inevitably hanging out with a senior guy. After meeting you on New Year’s Eve, I never thought I’d be in this moment.

From going to the movies, consistently hanging out, eventually meeting your sister and parents, and everything in between; our “relationship” seemed like pixie dust, unicorns and fairies... Right

Think again. Looking back, we were the definition of a toxic relationship. I use the word “relationship” lightly because there was never actually anything between us; other than me being your dirty little secret. You’d drive me to school on those frigid mornings when we’d have two-hour delays, waking up especially early to drive out of your way to my house, but as soon as we entered those halls; it was like I was non-existent. Poof; there goes the girl that you helped straighten her hair just 30 minutes’ prior. If I could insert a picture of us here, I would, but you refused over the course of six months to take a single picture with me.

Even though you put me through hell and back, there were days where I was extremely content. The nights that turned into mornings, with you holding my hair and rubbing my back as I faced the circumstances of drinking a little too much, you always took care of me, our long drives with you driving and making me listen to music I've never heard of or just sitting on your couch watching TV for hours. In those six months, our relationship was a rollercoaster, to say the least. You managed to win me over but break my heart far too many times. Thankfully, whether you realize it or not, you taught me so much not just about myself but what I deserve from someone.

I forgave you for everything you ever put me through. From not even acknowledging my existence around your friends, to deciding you wanted to try again with your ex and leaving me in the dust, to just making me feel worthless. In the end, though, you taught me to never let someone walk all over me again. You were the first and only time I’ll ever let someone treat me as poorly as you did.

I have so much to offer. With you, every time I tried to have something more (this scenario is exactly why you DTR, ladies & gents), you’d push me even farther away. Now, I know giving someone my whole heart and giving a relationship my all isn’t something that should be taken for granted. I don’t feel sorry for myself anymore, I feel sorry for you. I could’ve given you the world, my world to be exact, but you decided my world wasn’t good enough. I deserved every ounce of love that I poured into you, in return.

"You're the best thing I never had."

At the end of the day, I don’t hold anything over you. I still care about you dearly. I’m not here to paint you as a bad person because you and I both know you aren’t. I have no regrets. In fact, I’m grateful for all the moments we shared. The bad days made me stronger and taught me so much and I look fondly back on the good days. Maybe you realized you’re ready, but sadly I was ready from the start and now, I found someone who treats me like the queen I am.

My advice for someone that’s currently in the shoes I used to walk in, take a step back and realize that you’re worth so much more than the way you’re being treated. You deserve someone who returns all the love and affection you put into them, with no limitations.

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This article has not been reviewed by Odyssey HQ and solely reflects the ideas and opinions of the creator.

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