Dear Boy I Loved,
It seems like yesterday I was laying in bed flipping through Tinder. I was in my last month of high school and I had a very different idea of what would be happening when I walked across the stage in a matter of weeks. I thought I would find a nice college boy and fall in love; I never imagined it would have been you. Then, your profile came across my screen and I immediately recognized the photos from years past, from when you were about to graduate from high school, and suddenly everything changed. A couple of weeks later, we met for coffee. I remember I was so nervous, but talking to you was never something I felt I had to try at; it always came easy, a little too easy...
That summer my life was changed. In a matter of time, I had fallen in love with you, head first in love with you, and let me tell you, I landed on my head. I gave you everything, and then one day you disappeared. You stopped replying to my texts, which led to me leaving a very angry voicemail. A month later, I was in the same boat as before your face was on my phone screen, I swiped right, and it was a match. And only a few short weeks after that, once again you disappeared, you never came to pick me up for our date. I started college with a broken heart, I had moved on, I was so happy. And then one sunny March day, you texted me, it was a long text about how much you missed me, how much it was a mistake. This was a message that I would receive for the next four years.
Looking back, I wonder why I didn't see the red flags. I wonder why I let you ghost me, not once, but multiple times. Out of the five years we were together, and ending it multiple times a year, only three times was it ever done by words. Yet, the words I read on a screen from you somehow replaced it all. I could write a book about all the awful things that happened when I was dating you, but it doesn't matter. Looking back, it is only a fraction of the issue. The real issue was that I loved you; I loved you so much I broke myself into pieces, I tried to make myself fit into a mold of your perfect girlfriend. I used to question if you cared about me, and even now sometimes I do. Although I truly believed you did, which breaks my heart. It breaks for you, that you told me that you should marry me, that you let me go, that you couldn't love me back in the ways that I needed, that it was never meant to be.
Looking back, I wonder why I never saw the red flags, the holes in stories, the lies. And I realize now I thought it was what I deserved. I thought it was okay for me to sacrifice my needs and wants for you. I did this because you are one of the few people I am truly myself with. You understand me like most people don't, but you also know very little about my life. I thought I knew you so well and for a long time, but it wasn't until the last month of our relationship I truly understood you, and that is when I decided it was time. It was time to move on. It was time because I deserved better. I wanted better.
There are only so many things you can sacrifice in a relationship, but changing who you are is not one of them. I believe in soulmates, I believe that love is a magical thing, and I believe that it should bring out the best in people, not the worst. I also believe that what you and I had was not the love I want for myself. So I had to say goodbye. I realized this when you explained that taking a girl on a date was like hosting, it was something you had to do. I realized that we had very different ideas of what romance looks like. I realized I don't want to get a knot in my throat when you remind me of the girls you have dated, the girls you have done drugs with because I won't ever be them. And I realized you aren't ever going to be the guy who texts me good morning, who puts me first, who brings me home flowers, who calls me, who wants nothing but me, and that is okay.
When I sent you the final text, I cried. I bawled my eyes out. I literally have never felt so sick to my stomach before in my life. I always hated the idea of not having you in my life. I always hated the idea of us being those people who miss each other for the rest of our lives. I hated the idea that I couldn't text you. Then once that went away, once I realized that I was okay with all of that, I knew that I made the right choice because I finally accepted that even though I might love you, I also deserve better. I wish you the best of luck. I hope you find the most amazing adventures, that you take care of yourself, and most importantly that you don't regret the past five years we have spent together because as rough as they were, I wouldn't change them for the world.
I might always love you, and I am finally okay with that.
