I try to write inspiring articles on here. I try to write things that other people can relate to and understand. I try to motivate myself and others to be a better version of themselves. But this week, I’m just going to vent.

Depression sucks.

This past weekend I went on an incredible trip to Upstate New York. I was helping do photography work on a wilderness retreat full of New York City creatives and influencers. The people were rad, the food was rad, the views were rad.

The first few days of this trip were incredible. I was experiencing inspiration and invigorating conversation in a new way and feeling full of joy in the wilderness. But Saturday came and I started to go sour.

By Saturday evening I was done for. I tried to go to the social event that night but I couldn’t stop crying. I left the event and went to sit on the dock and try to reset, but I couldn’t get myself together. I did my breathing and meditation exercises like I’m supposed to. I kept telling myself, “Lizzie, literally nothing is wrong, why are you crying?” I still don’t know what I was upset about.

But naturally I made things up to be upset about. Like how much it sucks that I couldn’t be a ‘normal’ human and socialize like everyone else. And how I was in the middle of the woods with no one to hug. Eventually I gave up and went to bed before 10PM while everyone around me mingled and drank into the morning.

That sucks.

I woke up the next morning and watched the sunrise like I had the last two mornings, but I wasn’t impressed. I snapped a few pictures, but I didn’t care. I grabbed some breakfast and sat on the front porch, which had the most beautiful view, but I just cried. I still didn't know why I was crying. I was just sad, then I was disappointed in myself, and then I was simply irritated by the entire situation.

Depression sucks. And sometimes you can’t explain it. And most of the time nothing ever becomes clear about why you cry, or why you can’t cry. It sucks all of the time.

The worst part is when you start to avoid social situations like this one, where you don’t know anyone, and no one will give you a hug if you start crying for no reason. I get so nervous signing up for these sorts of events because of the fact that I may do exactly what I did this weekend.

Yes, I managed to hide it. Yes, maybe no one noticed. But it sucked. And I didn’t have the experience I could have had if my brain didn’t suck. I also didn’t make amazing new friendships and connections like everyone else there did.

So, I just wanted to complain about that today.