As a Christian college student living with depression and anxiety, I am too often told that I must not have strong enough faith. I am often told that if I truly wanted to be cured from my depression, I would pray it away or attend chapel more often. I am often told that I might just be sinning too much. I am even told to "snap out of it."
Depression is not an act of sin, nor can it be fixed by the church or by my measly attempts at being happy.
Depression is a disease—a disease that we so often sweep under the rug for its lack of physical visibility. We cannot always see the hurt, the pain, the feelings of utter isolation and so we act as if it does not exist. This is not healthy, nor is it the correct way of seeing depression. When we do see the depression, especially in Christians, we directly relate the feelings to sin. We think, “You must be depressed because you are having premarital sex, or you are gossiping, or lying or cheating.”
Yes, sin can enhance our feelings of depression. We can begin to feel consumed by the flames of our sin that we become desolate and begin to feel helpless. But sin is not the cause—it’s merely a correlation. Depression can be related to sin, but sin is not the cause of depression.
According to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 13 percent of college students have been or will be diagnosed with a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety. Yet, so many of us are unaware of what depression truly is and the effects it can have on us. We are told that as children of God, we are to be joyful and happy—without feelings of hopelessness or even thoughts of suicide. We are told that if we stop sinning (which is impossible), then we will stop being depressed. So, if I am supposed to feel so great by separating myself from sin, why do I feel as if the world is crashing down around me no matter how hard I try to?
The issue is that I cannot fix my disease. The people around me cannot fix my disease. The church cannot even fix my disease. It is time for us to stop seeing people who are diagnosed with depression as being less deserving of the grace of God, as if they were given this illness because of their sins. It is time for us to see these people as victims of a terrible ailment. We are not all sick with a cough or a hospital stay, but some of us are hurting from heavy emotions and terrible thoughts of our last days flashing before our eyes. We are hurting.
As a Christian suffering from depression, I have struggled with the idea of my disease being caused by my sin. I think back to biblical characters such as King David and how he was riddled with depression and the Lord brought him out of it. David was depressed because of his intense feelings of guilt. I’m depressed because of being severely abused as a child, heartbroken as a young adult and many other reasons that I do not even understand yet.
My depression is not my sin. Your depression is not your sin. Our illness, whether brought on by our environment, our biology, or a mixture of both is exactly that—our illness. It is something we battle each and every day and it is time to stop feeling guilty due to our being dealt these cards. I truly believe that my having depression has been a beautiful blessing. I have been able to come closer to Christ through my pain and use my story to bring others to Him as well.
There are times when I can't help but be angry with God. Times when I cry out to Him, "Are you even listening to me?!" while I'm crying myself to sleep. Times when I continue to think about not living.
So, I have to ask myself, maybe I am supposed to have this illness? If God isn't healing me, maybe there is something else that I am supposed to get out of this.
Do I know that for sure? No. Do I still trust God? Most definitely. Do I still believe that the Holy Spirit could heal me? Absolutely. Am I supposed to be healed right now? Maybe not.
My life has been full of ups and downs, good and bad, difficult and more difficult. Still, all of those obstacles and struggles have been parts of my story, parts of my journey along His path. As I look back, depression has not defined me, but it has formed me into someone who is more aware of others. It has allowed me to empathize with those who are struggling to live another day. It has allowed me to gain a passion to help those who have been diagnosed with a mental illness. Depression has made me look at the world a little different, with a broad perspective—an ability to appreciate each good day that I have. Having depression has proven to me that my sin did not cause me to feel this way.
In John chapter 9, when the disciples asked Jesus what sins the blind committed that he be blind, Jesus responded with, “It was not that this man sinned, or his parents, but that the works of God might be displayed in him.” Sometimes our weaknesses, our battles, our true struggles are ways to showcase Christ, sometimes through healing and sometimes by patiently waiting.
My challenge to you is to talk about depression. Learn what it is and why so many of us suffer beneath its grasp. When we step back and understand that depression is not a sin, we can begin to see how we can use it to glorify God’s kingdom.
