Depression comes in waves. It's a constant battle of high-tides and low-tides and some days are better than others. Lately, my mind is rattled and filled with tsunamis.
I was diagnosed with depression when I was fifteen years old, but it has been a constant in my life ever since I could remember. I always say that my anxiety drives my depression, but right now my depression is on autopilot. It's taken hold of my life and everything is being affected. My attitude, work, school, and my relationships are all being affected by my depression. No matter where I go, there is a dark cloud over me, being a constant reminder that my depression is following.
Depression affects everyone, even those who you least expect. Some of the most dedicated and involved people deal with anxiety and depression. You see, I am one of the most involved people I know in college. I have two jobs, am in many groups and clubs, and all the while keeping up with my grades. Some of your student leaders and those you aspire to be like can be fighting a battle you're not aware of.
While depression is on autopilot lately, I have since taken the wheel and am using it to drive me. Depression is becoming a motivator, no longer something that is holding me back. It's easy to fall into a routine of not wanting to do anything. Depression leads people to skip class, stop doing assignments, and have a carefree mindset about college. College is a place where you have a lot of freedom, but it's also an opportunity for depression to take away that freedom. Many fall victim to their depression and "1 out of every 4 college students suffers from some form of mental illness, including depression." Your best friends, student leaders, and your peers can be suffering a battle you may not be aware of.
Some days, I feel an immense sadness. I can be surrounded by those I love and those who support me, but something in me will remain sad. Other days, I become angry. This part of my depression is new. Depression is always evolving as you're evolving. I become angry at those who try to talk to me and push away those who want to help me. I become angry at my depression. On really tough days, I feel nothing and I become tired. Depression is exhausting. It expends all your energy to be happy and you're left with nothing. Getting out of bed becomes difficult because the day before you needed to be happy for work or for a meeting. Life just expects you to be happy.
Depression can make you feel like you're drowning and that there is no end in sight. It's a bitch. Some days you'll think that you're recuperating and that everything is turning around, then it sneaks back up on you.
But with depression are days of immense happiness. It may sneak up on you, but it can be your biggest motivator. Sometimes it's hard not to let yourself fall victim to it. But the thing about depression is that there is a silver lining. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Years ago, I didn't even see myself surviving to the next day. I wanted to be a wallflower and not take up too much space. But now, I'm writing about my depression. I'm happy with where I am. Tomorrow I may not be, next week I may not be, but that's why it is so important to focus on that happiness that you feel. They may be few and far between, but that's what makes them so special. With the dark clouds and tsunamis, there will always be that light at the end of the tunnel.
