They say your defining moment happens around the age of 25. Mine happened when I was 17.
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was November of my senior year and my grandfather had just passed away the day before. I was sitting in my grandparents' house in the living room talking to family when my phone rang. I got up and left the room to take the call. I walked on the back porch and I saw that my ex-boyfriend was calling. I nervously answered the phone saying, “Hey". Damn, it was good to hear his voice. He told me he had heard about the death of my grandfather and how sorry he was for my loss. We made small talk for about two minutes, I asked him about Clemson and he asked me about school. Then the silence came. He stuttered and said, “I can't come to the funeral because of classes but I'll be back next weekend. Maybe we can go do something to take your mind off it." I told him how I thought that would be nice and thanked him for calling. We both hung up.
The internet describes a defining moment as: “An event, action, or decision that results in a significant change for a person." My defining moment was made up of both a decision and an event. Rewind to two years ago. We were blissfully in love. I had never met anyone like him. Things weren't always easy between us but they were effortless. The thought of losing him was one I couldn't fathom. It was my first serious relationship and despite the fact we were long distance by 5 hours, we loved each other and that was all that mattered. It was the type of love you see in movies. We spent every second of the day talking, all the time together possible, and we couldn't ever stand to be mad at one another. He was what I dreamed of and he loved me with everything he had. He would have given me the world if he could. We were young and in love. Fast forward to the following summer. I went to the beach with my family for a week, like we do every year. It was one week apart, which was nothing compared to the months we would spend apart while he was up at school. After a sunny day on the beach, I went to a house party with one of my good friends. I met a boy. And that's when everything changed. A few weeks later, I broke up with my boyfriend. Not because I didn't love him, but because I was so occupied with what was in front of me at the time. I let the distance and the fear of goodbyes get to me, and I used them as an excuse. In the beginning, we stayed in touch. But as time went on, we talked less and less and before you knew it we were strangers. I went on to date the boy from the beach my whole senior year. Yet again, another long distance relationship. But I fell quickly for him, he was different than the first. It was a different kind of love. A slower, mysterious type of love. When they say you never have the same love twice, its true.
Go back to my senior year. Here was my ex-boyfriend, who's heart I broke, calling me offering his condolences when he had every right to hate me. Meanwhile, I was having to beg my current boyfriend to even come down for the funeral. This is the defining moment. I gave up someone who talked about marrying me one day and would tell me he loved me everyday for someone who had to be talked into coming to my grandfather's funeral. He ended up coming to the funeral after a lot of begging. A few months later, he broke up with me. My world was crashed and my heart was shattered. I gave him everything I had because that was the type of love I was used to giving. It worked for the last one. But this time, I was the one left in the dust. I had never felt that type of pain before, the one where your heart actually physically hurts. I laid in bed for a week in a half and cried everyday for a month. I now know what it felt like to have your heart broken. Another defining moment. Realizing that a year ago someone who I loved was feeling the exact same way. And I was the one that made them feel that way. All for what? For me to end up feel the same way over someone who didn't love me half as much as the first one did?
One of my biggest regrets in life is ending things with the once love of my life for someone who to this day I still pine over. So lesson learned: Don't take what you have for granted, because what you might think is better, is actually just more convenient. What's in front of you will also end up behind you. Granted, I look back and there are so many good memories with both of them, but I would do anything to take away the hurt on both ends. So two and a half years later, it's been a long journey and I still don't know a lot of things and there are many uncertainties but one thing I do know is that you should treasure those you love. One day, just one day, you might ends up as strangers. So to the past one, I am sorry. I now know the hurt you felt and the hopelessness you experienced. So to the next one, I promise to cherish you. I will not confuse convenience for improvements. I will remember who loves me and who has stood by me.
