I don't even know where to begin. For six years I invested my time, energy, love and affection to you. The worst part about it is you never did the same, but I was too näive to see that. I'm sorry I was never good enough for you, and I'm sorry I couldn't be that girl that you would be proud to call your "girlfriend" and be so kind enough to post pictures of.
The first year
When we went out it was the happiest time of my life. I had butterflies in my stomach because you were the first guy ever to ask me out. We talked about the silliest things and just spent hours on the phone. Then something changed.
We broke up.
A couple of months later you got a new girlfriend.
You seemed happier with her. You even flaunted her. Something you never did for me.
From that moment on, you became the reason for my long going pain.
We became friends for a while, but we all know how that goes.
Being friends with you was extremely hard because I was bound to catch feelings for you, again.
And as always...
How dare you to take advantage of the fact that I still had feelings for? You knew that, and yet you still had several girlfriends after me. Seeing you with someone else hurt me more than you could ever imagine. It was the way you looked at her, commented on her pictures, held her hands. All of that was what I had to witness and more. My close friends would tell me "Virginia, you need to move on," but it just wasn't that easy. You meant so much to me, and I was always there for you when you needed me. So how dare you take me for granted?
But that was just the beginning of one vicious cycle.
I let you back into my life even after you walked out freely and didn't talk to me for months. It was hard when you left because you never gave me an explanation, so I just took it as-- I must have done something wrong. Then that is when I started analyzing the conversation and figuring out what went wrong and what we both said. And I still found nothing, except for a reason to blame myself for it. Every single time.
I can't even count how many nights I went to sleep crying about you and wishing that we could talk. I even lost count, and I'd rather not go back to them.
The second and third year
I started to get better. Became more social with my friends and setting goals for myself.
Then you came out of the random. Your name pops up on my phone. It's an incoming text saying "Hey" or an incoming call.
I start freaking out and asking myself "God what did I do to deserve this?"
We start talking again like nothing ever happened. Yes, I became vulnerable because I missed talking to you, but I still felt hurt.
Slowly you started to make up for it by the sweet talk, constant calling and texting, and my favorite: leading me on to like you AGAIN.
How could be such an idiot?
You were always such a master manipulator, so you always knew how to make me fall for you again.
So CONGRATULATIONS you succeed!
The fourth and fifth year
I fell for you again, and you walked out, once a-freaking-gan.
It wasn't until this time that I began to get the hang of how you did things (A bit late Virginia, don't you think?), and started to pick up on your patterns.
I kept trying to convince myself that I was better off without you and that you never loved me the way I loved you. Till this day I still don't understand why that is. I had to force myself that you would change, but you didn't.
How you had all of these girlfriends, and I only got to be yours for practically two minutes. What was so bad about me? Was it the way I looked? Was it my personality?
I don't understand why you had to walk in and out of my life for all these years just to make me fall for you. You could've saved me the agony of loving you for so long, and just walked away for good.
Six years. Six long, painful, miserable, astonishing years that I will never get back thanks to you.
How could I be so blind all these years? I let you hurt me, and I chose you instead of listening to my friends and family. And even myself for that matter.
I'm more to blame than you because I knew what was happening, but damn it, you meant so much to me that I didn't want to believe it. I was in denial for so long that I never saw reality.
The sixth (and final) year
A couple of months ago, we talked about us being together in a more serious and young adult manner, as opposed to our relationship in junior high.
I was unsure because you put me through a lot, and I did not want to put myself through more pain, especially the one I've been carrying from the past. And I let you know that you hurt me, and your response was "I didn't mean to, its just I had a lot of stuff going at the time." I shook it off, but I didn't ignore it nor forgot about it.
However, I finally agreed, but under the terms that we take things slow and see how things play out before we rush into anything.
We talked six days after that; then you stopped talking to me. You had "stuff going on," and I understood. I let you know that I was always here for you.
A couple of weeks later I texted you that I missed talking to you.
Your response was that I should "move on and talk to new people" so that I can get "new vibes in [my] life."
At that very moment, I felt like I could breathe. It was like I was kept underwater for so long that the words "move on" gave me oxygen again, better yet, it give me life. I felt relieved, but at the same time, I felt this strong tension in my chest. My body cried more than it ever did. I cried because I was hurt, but at the same time that you let me go. I was so scared to let you go, but when you did, it was like a confirmation. The confirmation I was unconsciously waiting for.
For years I was stuck between what I wanted and what I deeply felt, but you broke that chain.
The kiss we shared at your house is a memory I can never forget. I call it the "goodbye for real this time memory" because it was the last real time we had kissed before you hurt me for good this time.
I just kept asking myself...
How can you kiss me and ask me to spend time with you and then a few days later act like nothing happened? I thought what we felt was real, but I guess it wasn't. I was just a joke. Always have been for that matter.
I felt hurt for days on end, and till this day I still am. After you had sent me that text, I told you that I understand that you had stuff going on and that I will try to move on and get some "new vibes" in my life. I told you that I will always be here for you and that I will always love you and care about you.
You on the other hand just said that you "will always have [my] back" and that was the end of the conversation because I had no words for you.
Two weeks later...
The first thing I see is you in a relationship with someone else.
Here I am not surprised one bit, but feeling a great mixture of sadness, disgust, and disappointment.
Sadness because just a month ago you wanted to be with me, disgust because you had someone else while talking to me, and disappointment because it was all a joke to you. My feelings were nothing but a game for you. A long endless game.
I just wish it didn't take me so long to see this because I was so into deep that I'm surprised I made it out alive and can experience reality for the first time in years.
You took away my happiness for so long; that know that I have control over it, I don't know how to use it. I was deprived of my happiness for so long because of you because I was sad all the time.
You took it away and gave it back to me in shredded pieces. And now I have to use those shredded pieces and plan out how to put it back together.
I have every right to despise and by mad at you, but I don't and I'm not.
I wasn't put on this earth to waste my time hating people, and I don't have to.
I am NOT a victim of our emotional abuse, nor do I want to be. The things you put me through is not a painful reminder; it's a joyful reminder of what I survived.
And for that, I could not thank you enough. Thank you for teaching me that I cannot always let people back in when they were the one's who left in the first place. Thank you for showing me that I shouldn't always invest your time and energy into someone who isn't willing to or that doesn't do the same for me. And thank you for showing me the difference between what you are and a real man. I think you made it easier for me to see the signs for when a guy is trying to play me, so thanks for those helpful tips.
Most importantly thank you for making me a stronger person, and opening my eyes. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be the strong young woman I am today. The one who is who was and still is too naive and sensitive for this world, and to the one who is trying to find her way to the right path to healing and detox from the pain.
I know that someday in the future you will regret what you did, but its a shame I will no longer be interested in giving a shit. Maybe you figure out that I was the person that could've been that "enough" for you, but is too late because I'm already gone.
Best of luck in life!
The girl you have hurt for six years