I don’t know when it clicked.
When did my brain become wired to worry, to stress, to constantly question if I was making good decisions? When did I start thinking that everything I did, no matter how many achievements or pats on the back, was not good enough, and possibly never will be? When did all I see for my future become a black hole? I am not exactly sure, but I know now that it isn’t healthy.
In eighth grade year, I tested out of my ninth grade English class. From then on, I attended Summer School in hopes of getting ahead completely. I ended up graduating early, and am happy that I did. In the beginning, I was relishing in the little things I achieved. But it escalated as the stress of high school continued.
I was overcompensating for everything I was not.
High school achievements:
The National Honors Society, The National Thespians, The French National Honor Society, Suma Cum Laude, VP of The French Club, and a tutor. I also had a 4.4 G.P.A and had recently joined the golf team. For some reason, at the time, it wasn’t enough. My mindset was, and maybe still is:
"I’m only number fifteen in my class out of two hundred thirty people, I didn’t get a principal’s award, and I never reached my goal of a 4.7 G.P.A. Nobody will remember me, I will never succeed. I will never be the best.”
I was happy with all my accomplishments, but I wasn't satisfied. I was left with intense feelings of shame and worthlessness. With the stresses of leaving home and entering the world at seventeen because of my said over-achievement, I was stuck in a limbo where I was an adult, but I wasn’t, and it was a drastic change I decided to take on by myself.
That’s when over-achieving started consuming my life.
I am in the constant state of calculating my life, adding the numbers of my G.P.A again and again and again, analyzing the percentages of my success. I am afraid that amount will be zero; that I will amount to nothing. I plan so far ahead and hope that everything will work out. When something is seemingly hopeless, I search frantically for a solution because I think I should be able to control, or at least fix the problem. But I know now that there isn’t a solution for everything, and that if I raise my expectations too high, they could crush me like an anvil.
Like anyone, I want to be happy. Still, the need for approval is a constant, at least from those I care about. When people rally behind you and support you in the most fundamental ways, wouldn’t you want to see their pride the most?
Happiness lies in the most idealistic bones in my body. I’m also a dreamer, so when I set my heart on something, and someone I care about disapproves, it is an angry sea of conflict. What would you pick; what makes you happy, or those who have always supported you throughout your life?
There is a need to overcompensate for all those times I’ve disappointed myself and others. To be so stressed, feeling I have to deal with it by myself; it is hard. I have high expectations. And when the stress isn’t there, it’s an incompleteness, because there is a fear that I am forgetting something and that the consequences will be horrible.
Dear Over-Achiever,
You are working so hard for your family and you want them to revel in your success. You are motivated, but being as motivated as you are, you run yourself ragged and set yourself up for failure. Don’t do that, or the resentment for everything you care about will set in.
Align your expectations with reality.
Other people’s accomplishments don’t overshadow your own because you are actually the one casting the shadow. You have no expectations to live up to but your own. Work hard for the life you want, and don’t be afraid to take a little risk. I am slowly learning to approach life this way, to enjoy it with other people, and I hope you’ll take that notion away with you! In addition, there is such thing as thinking too big, too idealistic, and the goals you set for yourself can be your emotional downfall. If you can lift thirty pounds one day, it is unrealistic to think you can lift a hundred and fifty the very next day, even with a large amount of ambition.
Take the guilt trips in your stride.
Everyone makes mistakes, and when your family says something about you “not doing something” and it is giving you grief, take a few breaths. Everything they are saying is coming from their hearts. They make it about them, and it is your responsibility to realize it is still about you. Choose your battles, because it is possible to please yourself and others, just remember that you are now independent and must fulfill your needs first.
Stop and smell the roses.
People tell you various versions of this all the time, but this is your reality check from a fellow Over-achiever. It’s true, and the sooner you learn to stop and breathe and count sheep, the sooner you can be healthier in all aspects. Being a hard worker is a gift all your own, and you’ve honed it, but to perfect it, you need to realize that you’ll never be perfect. It is okay to treat yourself once in a while, and I am saying this in reference to a passion. Write, dance, play cards, do something that you know for sure you will enjoy.
You are good enough, and it is time to realize that.
Love,
Gabby
