Dear Matt,

Yeah, I addressed you. It’s not even a fictitious name. I finally gained the courage to say your name without throwing up a little bit in my mouth.

My therapist told me to write you a letter about six months ago now and I wasn’t able to then; and while it’s hard even now, I finally know what to say.

You were wrong, absolutely, 100% wrong. You hurt me in a way that I never even knew was possible. You wronged me in a way I wish never had happened to me. You stripped me of more than just my clothing; I lost more than just my virginity that night and I’m here to tell you that you were wrong.

First, you took my faith. I believed so strongly in God and when you took this from me, my faith wavered. I sat in the shower and cried my eyes out because I didn’t understand why I was bleeding so much or why God would ever let this happen to me. When I went as a chaperone to a leadership retreat with my church, I released my anger towards what happened and I was told that I had to go to confession, for something you did, not something I did. How screwed up is that?

Then, you took my friends. Maybe I should really be thanking you for this because I now know who my true friends are because the ones who left clearly didn’t care about me at all. But that made me hurt because people blamed me for what happened, as if saying, “No,” or “Stop,” didn’t count for anything. I was told by someone I thought was my best friend, which I could’ve prevented what had happened. Another friend, at countless events for my fraternity, talked bad about me behind my back.

While you took countless other things, the most important one was my chance of finding someone; someone who wouldn’t take me for granted or advantage of me. You took away my chance at happiness and my happily ever after. While I’m no princess, you surely are no Prince Charming and that made me feel like I was never going to find anyone to love me besides my family and friends.

But.

Nearly two and a half years later, I’m able to say these three things:

1. My faith is stronger than ever. I'm a very spiritual person and while I still don’t agree I should have to go to confession, I know there is a reason for everything that’s happened to me in my life

2. I know that the people who stood by me throughout the trial and throughout every up and down are my true friends and those who left or essentially degraded me with every breath are not my friends at all.

3. As the wise Taylor Swift said, “I’m gonna find someone, someday, who might actually treat me well.” And it’s true. You may have hurt me, but I’m going to find someone to love me for who I am.

Finally, the biggest breakthrough: I know now that what we had was not sex. It wasn’t love. It was absolutely nothing to you. And while I wish my first time would’ve been full of love and trust, it wasn’t. And that’s okay because it made me realize what I want in the future from a man.

I’m stronger now and I won this battle, Matt, and that’s something you now have to live with every single day of your life. Sucks, doesn’t it?

Sincerely,

The Girl Who Lost One Thing but Found Herself