Dear Depression

Simply put, I fear you. Not in the obvious way, where I'm afraid that one day you'll essentially kill me, but in the way that I can't remember living without you.

You've been such a big part of my life, and not in a good way, for so long. I'm used to you, like a chronic migraine that I've learned to deal with. I know you inside and out; what you do to me, how you effect me on different days, and what kind of moods you put me in. I'm only nineteen, and I can't remember a time without you.

I'm obviously not the only person in the world who deals with you, but I feel like the only one who is afraid of living without you. It's a horrible feeling, constantly wishing to be happy and live a life I love, but in the back of my mind I wonder if it is possible? It terrifies me. I fear that maybe you are such a big part of me that if one day I'm able to rid myself of you, I won't be the same person.

Is it you that gives me my lighthearted sense of humor? Does your darkness, nestled deep in me, give me my kind heart and soul? Do you make me feel the need to give people kindness and happiness because I have so little myself? If you left, would I still be the woman I am?

Don't get me wrong, I want more than anything to be free of you. I look at other people, so happy and carefree, and wonder how they can do it. How they can wake up and smile, when I wake up and sigh. But then, I look over my shoulder, and there you are, and I remember why I can't do those things. I can't cheer up, or look on the bright side, or just decide to be happy. You won't let me.

I want to make friends without fearing what they'll think when they meet you. I want to make plans, and go through with them, without worrying that you'll hold me back. I want to live without fearing you, one day.