To this day, I'll never understand why I was such a huge target to you.
I don't understand because I never did anything to you. I never spoke a harsh word to you, and I never physically harmed you. I suppose it was my glasses, my chubby frame, and the gap between my two front teeth that made me an irresistible target for your constant harassment.
I didn't even have to do anything.
I never drew attention to myself. I would step into class and sit down, and from then on your eyes were on me. You were waiting for me to scratch my nose so that you could laugh and say I was a nose picker. You waited until I took out a snack to eat so you could laugh and say I was so fat that I couldn't wait until lunch to eat and to make pig noises while I ate. You waited until a friend told me a joke and I laughed, so you could loudly mock me from across the room. I never even said I word to you, I didn't even look at you; you just watched me.
The teachers told me to get over it, to be a bigger person, or to stand up to you.
When I tried to defend myself, you laughed even more.
My parents said, "They probably just really like you and don't know how to express it."
When she told me that, I tried to be nice to you. You laughed even harder.
When I starved myself and passed out in class, you called me stupid. When I wore black to make myself appear slimmer, you called me "emo." When I cut myself, you called me a faggot.
Your actions, though seemingly innocent, resulted in who I am today.
Today, I skip meals when I feel I'm getting chubby again. Today, I find a room by myself to eat, because I'm afraid someone will judge me or think I'm a pig. Today, I see someone looking at me and my heart starts to race because I'm sure they're making fun of me in their minds. Today, when I talk to someone and they're texting, I'm positive they're texting their friends saying how annoying or stupid I am. I'm a senior in college, and I resist raising my hand to answer a question in class for fear of being mocked. I take a pill every morning so I don't become a slave to my anxiety and depression. I've learned to act strong and confident in front of everyone I know so I don't get taunted for being weak. Every move I make is scrutinized in my brain for hours after I make it. I'm terrified of not being enough.
However, today I am also an educator. I'm a coach at a high school, and I help my students overcome problems they have with their bullies, just as I had with you. Today, I am a senior in college, working towards a bachelor's degree in music education, so that I can provide an outlet to students like me, because music was the only place I knew to escape to. Because of my experiences, I chose to become a person other children can trust and look up to, someone to come to for advice, and someone to come to for knowledge. I am doing this because of you. The words you said affect me daily, even now over a decade later, but I am stronger than you. I know this because I never had to stoop so low to make someone else feel so small and insignificant to make myself feel better.
For the longest time, I blamed your actions on myself, and I know now it wasn't me. Now, I feel sorry for you, bullies. I feel sorry that you were so low, you needed me to feel worse than you just to boost your self-confidence. For what it's worth now, I hope it worked.
You did one thing for me, bullies, and that's making me sure of my career choice. Becoming an educator is partly thanks to you. Having a safe educational environment for students that desperately need it is the most rewarding job I could ever have.
So, thank you.
Sincerely,
Your favorite target.
