Dear Anxiety,

I want to start this letter off by telling you one thing I know to be true: I have never hated something or someone more than I hate you. I loathe that you have somehow managed to fill every empty hole in my body, every crevice. You always find a way to get into my brain and add more to it when I could have almost sworn that I maxed its storage out long ago. You own me. My thoughts are not my own. My actions are not my own. My friendships are not my own. I share them. I share everything with you, not by choice, but by your forceful nature. I hate you. When you’re not manipulating me from the inside out, causing my chest to tighten, my heart to race, my stomach to twist and my breaths to be come shallow, you stand over my shoulder, reminding me of the past and the way things used to be. You whisper in my ear the most hurtful of words. You know too much. You know my every flaw, my every weakness, my every worry and my every fear, and you utilize that at any chance. But I want to say thank you.

Thank you, anxiety, for making me realize my need for God. Without you, I don’t think I would have even half of the relationship I have with him. You haven’t made it easy by any means. In fact, I think it’s fair to say that you have made my life as difficult and dark as possible. But without that extreme darkness, I don’t think I ever would’ve noticed how bright the light can be. I experience the highest of highs and the lowest of lows, the latter being seemingly omnipresent in hindsight. This world is such a dark place, one of the main reasons being you, anxiety. But because of you, I see the light of the Lord. I’ve realized my constant need for someone as loving and amazing as God.

Thank you, anxiety, for teaching me that everyone is not as happy as they may look. Thank you for enlisting a fake confidence in me, when a real confidence is unachievable. I commend you, anxiety, for bringing me to such a low point that I can never imagine doing that to someone else. You have instilled me with compassion and an unconditional love for anyone dealing with you. Because of you, I never forget to remind anyone, even those I’ve never approached, of their importance. I remind them of why they matter and that they are unconditionally loved because no thanks to you, you and I both know I will never feel that way, at least in this life.

Everyday you wake me up in the wee hours of the morning, starting the marathon my mind attempts to race for the duration of the day. You make lists in my head of all of the things I must accomplish, all of the people who hate me and all of my flaws. You begin to plan out my day. You prepare me to worry about the way I stand, the amount of time I make eye contact with someone, the way I talk, the way I look, the list goes on. The panic never stops because I know somehow I’ll screw something up at one point or another. I can’t even sit still, fearing that if I pause for even the shortest period of time I will go into a full fledged panic attack in public.

Thank you, anxiety, for the days when getting out of bed is both physically and mentally challenging. Thank you for making me realize how lucky I am to have the ability to stand up and get out of bed, some people don’t have that opportunity. Thank you for making me learn to celebrate the little things. If I make it out of bed that morning, I start the day off with a win.

You keep me up until the dead of night, anxiety, with your horrid whispers that turn into shouts that echo off of the walls of my brain until the negativity tries to take over my body yet again. But thankfully, my God is stronger. My God has pulled me out of the deepest ruts, the biggest storms and the hardest situations and reminded me of the beauty of life when I needed it most. My God has pushed me to my limits over and over again with the sole purpose of revealing his power. My God makes it clear that He loves me, even when I can’t find it in my heart or my head to love myself. Anxiety, your power may be able to change my mind, but my God can move mountains. He will always be stronger than anything you throw my way.

Try me.

With the utmost amount of respect,

Another one of your undeserving victims